Mara's Worst Nightmare
by kb9vcn
Summary: Originally written from 2002 to 2005.  Revised and republished by request.
1. Mara's Worst Nightmare

**NOTE:** Part One was written back in September 2002 as a one-off joke, partly as a typical adolescent-male fantasy, and partly as a parody of some other OMG! stories that I'd read, as well as a parody of OMG! itself. But I was encouraged to continue the story, and I got to part 22 before I had the problems with Fan Fiction dot Net early in 2005.

I was surprised and honored when I was asked to republish the story. I'm too old for a SI now, and so I renamed the male lead and turned him into a Gary Stu. And I've given up anime and got into Vocaloid, but I will try to finish the Peorth arc someday. I still have a half-completed draft of part 23 and an outline of 24 around here somewhere...

* * *

><p>Rick Anthony returned to his residence hall room. He took off his coat, walked up to his desk, and stood over his portable CD player. He hummed to himself as he opened a small package. "New CD, new CD, I've got a new CD..."<p>

He put the CD in the player, and held up the case in one hand. He held the fingers of his other hand over the "Play" button. "Hmm... let's try 'My Evil Twin'."

He pressed "Play." But, instead of music, he heard a "ftoomsh" sound. He scratched his head. "Huh. That's strange, even for a They Might Be Giants song. "

"Hey! Uh, excuse me?"

Rick turned around, and saw Mara standing behind him.

"AAUGH!" said Rick. He didn't know that she was a demon yet. But the simple shock of seeing a girl in **his** room was more than he could take. He fell back and sat heavily on his bed.

They stared at each other, for a moment that seem to last for hours.

Mara sighed. "The client usually says 'who are you' now."

Rick stammered. "Huh— who— uh— are— who are—"

Mara took her cue. She raised her arms theatrically. Bolts of lightning seemed to arc behind her. "I am the demon Mara! A sorceress with a first-class license with no restrictions!"

She pointed at Rick. Her finger nearly beeped his nose. "And I have come to grant you a wish!"

Rick gaped at her. "A demon!" he cried.

Mara sighed again. "Oh, relax, kid. I'm not a Judeo-Christian demon. See? No horns, no bat wings, no pointy tail. I'm more of a wacky trouble-maker than an actual demon, to be honest."

Rick continued to gape at her. "Yeah... but... I've never seen a girl with face tattoos and fangs before."

Mara eyed him. "Yeah, well, you're no Sean Connery, pal."

Rick hung his head and sighed.

Mara turned to his window. "And where are we, anyway? Central Illinois?" She made a face. "BORE-ing..."

She turned back to Rick. "So. Like I said. I'm here to grant your wish."

They stared at each other, for a moment that seem to last for hours.

Mara sighed yet again. "The client usually says 'why me' now."

Rick took his cue. "Why me?"

Mara assumed another dramatic pose. Cherry blossom petals seemed to float around her. "Because you have a good heart, and a deep sadness in your soul, and... yadda, yadda, yadda." She smirked.

"In other words?..." Rick said.

"Yup," Mara said. "You're a pathetic loser who couldn't get a date in a calendar factory."

Rick hung his head and sighed again.

"But," he suddenly said, "If I have a good heart— why are **you** granting me a wish? A demon's a demon, wacky trouble-maker or not..."

Mara smiled slyly. "You **were** on Belldandy's case schedule. But she was, uh, detained by another case. And Yggdrasil is under-staffed. So I, uh, 'borrowed' the Yggdrasil case list. Besides that, CDs are my specialty, and you practically live in the campus-town CD stores..."

"Why did you come from this CD?" Rick asked. "I thought demons hid their messages in Judas Priest albums, or something..."

Mara sighed. "Look, kid. **You** bought this CD. And I don't go around questioning **your** taste in music."

She turned to his wall, and looked over a shelf full of CDs. "Although that's obviously a subject wide open to ridicule."

Rick hung his head and sighed yet again. "I wish I could have been visited by an angel, or a goddess, or someone **nice**..."

Mara's face went white. "OH NO!" Obviously panicking, she shouted at the ceiling. "YOU KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN **THAT**!"

Rick also looked up at the ceiling. "Who are you talking to?" he asked.

Mara screamed wordlessly as she was struck by heavenly lightning. She disappeared in a brilliant flash of warm golden light.

Rick gaped at the empty space where Mara had stood. Then he looked down at a scorched spot on the floor, and frowned. "Well, **that's** coming out of my security deposit...

"Oh well. I don't know what happened, but I hope she's alright." He stood, walked up to his CD player again, and held his fingers over the "Play" button.

"Hello? Um, excuse me?"

Rick turned away from the CD player again, to the dresser mirror by the door to his room.

Mara was leaning "through" the mirror. "May I come in?"

"AAUGH!" said Rick. He fell back onto his bed again. "Fer cryin' out loud! I only wanted to buy a new CD!"

Mara growled as she fully entered his room. "Yeah, and ***I*** only wanted to grant a wish. Just **look** at what you've **done** to me!"

Her dark cape, blouse and tight leggings had been replaced by ethereal blue and white robes, and her leather neck and wrist straps had turned into colorful bracelets and gold ornaments.

And her red demon marks had changed into blue goddess marks.

Mara turned, and looked at herself in the mirror from which she had just emerged. "Oh no. It's worse than I thought. I'm so sweet, it gives me a sugar rush, just **looking** at myself."

She fell back on Rick's bed, beside him, and held her face in her hands. "I'm gonna need **years** of therapy to deal with this..."

Rick looked at her with equal parts concern and confusion. "Uh, I'm sorry... but... what happened to you?"

Mara looked up at him. "Isn't it obvious? You wished that you had been visited by a nice angelic goddess instead of a demon." She gestured to herself. "Well, here I am. I'm a goddess now. All sweetness and light. I think I'm going to be sick..."

Rick was still confused. "You were... transformed? Why didn't they just send someone else, instead of transforming you?"

Mara rubbed her temples. "Yggdrasil is under-staffed, remember? And God has... a strange sense of humor. Didn't you know that? Honestly. Nothing ever makes any sense if you don't know that."

She stood again. "Anyway. I had to come back because I have to grant you a wish. **Again**."

Rick was even more confused. "Another wish? I didn't wish for more wishes. And I thought I wasn't allowed to do that."

Mara grinned. "I do have to congratulate you on that, kid. You found a loophole. No one's done that for years.

"When you transformed me, you wiped the slate clean. I don't exist as a demon anymore, and so the wish that I granted as a demon doesn't count, even though it's still in effect. And no one ever wished for this before. The lawyers are still trying to work out all the ramifications. But they decided that the best immediate course of action was to grant you another wish, and to get you back on the books as having been served."

Rick whistled. "Wow. I annoyed the lawyers? I guess something good came of this, after all."

He looked at Mara again. "But... I **am** sorry that you were transformed against your will. Is it permanent?"

"Yup," Mara said. "You can't even wish me back. You can't wish to undo your previous wish. And even if you could, I'd have to come back to you **again**, as a demon again, and grant you **another** wish. We'd be in danger of falling into an infinite loop. It gives me a headache, even thinking about it."

Then Mara smiled, almost sweetly. "But hey, don't sweat it, kid. This is hardly the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I guess I can learn to live with it. And I guess this means I can go drinking with my old friend Urd again... If she ever stops laughing, when she sees this..."

"Well," Rick said, "for what it's worth, I think it's definitely an improvement. But I'm glad you were allowed to keep the fangs. They're cute."

Mara looked down, and blushed just a little. "Um... thanks."

She suddenly looked up at him. "Hey, you're not getting any 'ideas' about me, are you? I know lots of goddesses and demonesses who got turned into girlfriends. That's mostly why Yggdrasil is so under-staffed. Too many goddesses got stuck in 'girlfriend contracts'. I mean, it always works out. They always... fall in... love. But, still... girlfriend contracts are... kinda... creepy..."

"Don't worry," Rick said. I don't want to make things any worse for you than they are. I've already been a lot of, uh, trouble for you, right? I really am sorry about that.

"Anyway. I know you can't just wish for a perfect girlfriend, and fall in love, and live happily ever after. Real life isn't like that. It's not like a movie, or a TV show, or a comic...

"I wish it **was**, but—"

Too late, Rick clapped a hand to his mouth.

Mara hung her head and groaned. "Aw, **man**..."


	2. The Ultimate Farce

Mara slowly opened her eyes and looked up from her bed. _Huh_, she thought. _An unfamiliar ceiling._

She smiled to herself. _Girl_, she thought, _this reckless living is going to be your undoing. Maybe it's time to find yourself a nice guy, and settle down..._

Then she smiled wider. _Listen to yourself_, she thought. _Why, you must still be confused from that nightmare you just had... Me. A goddess. And stuck in a girlfriend contract. Heh._

Mara yawned, holding her arms out and stretching her entire body until she squeaked. She folded her arms under her head, looked up at the ceiling again, and then she sighed.

One of her bracelets was in an uncomfortable position under her head. She shifted slightly, to let it slide back down her arm.

_Wait a minute_, she thought. _I don't remember having a bracelet like that._

Mara held her arms up, over her head, and stared dumbly at the goddess bracelets hanging above her eyes.

Her eyes widened. She gasped, and slapped her hands to her face. She couldn't feel the emblems on her face, as such, but she could still tell that they had... changed.

She suddenly felt a terrifying weightless feeling in her stomach. She felt like she was just past the first and highest peak of a long roller coaster ride, about to plummet wildly in strange new directions, beyond her control.

Mara turned her head, so slowly, and looked across the room.

Rick was still asleep in a second bed, snoring lightly, tangled in his blankets, in an awkward position with one arm hanging off the bed and one leg propped against the wall.

The nightmare was real. Mara's worst nightmare had come true.

Mara screamed like a lost soul. It was ironic, since she was actually screaming because she **wasn't** a lost soul any more.

Rick broke several laws of physics as he spun around, bolted up from his bed, and fell to the floor, all at once.

* * *

><p>Mara sat alone on her bed in Rick's room, half-heartedly brushing her teeth, but careful as always to brush her fangs properly.<p>

_At least I still have the fangs_, she thought. But then, she whimpered pathetically. _Oh no_, she thought. _He __**likes**__ the fangs..._

Rick came back into the room, from the bathroom down the hall, fully dressed, carrying a small plastic bucket of toiletries in one hand and a large mug of water in his other hand. "Feel better now?" he asked quietly.

Mara looked up at him glumly, still brushing her teeth, making no vocal response.

"Look," said Rick. "I don't want you here against your will. And I don't care what you say— you shouldn't be here when you wake up screaming like that. Please, Mara. Go home."

Mara mumbled through a mouthful of toothpaste. "Thish ish home."

Rick frowned. "Pardon?"

Mara saw the mug of water. "Oh. Thanksh." She took the mug from him, took a mouthful of water, tilted her head back and swished, spat back into the mug, and handed the mug back to him.

Rick looked down at the mug. "Uh... that was my drinking water."

Mara slumped on her bed. "I said, this is home. It's official. My change of residence has already been filed. Hey, if you don't believe me, read my new card." She took a business card from her robes and handed it to him.

Rick read it aloud. "The goddess Mara. Probationary first class license. Care of the residence hall system, Western Illinois University, Macomb, Illinois, USA, Earth, Mortal Plane."

He breathed out heavily. "Alright. If you say so. Do you, uh, have a lot of things? This **is** a single room, but I've got a lot of junk in here. I guess I could take some of it home—"

Mara held up her toothbrush and grinned. "This is it. My pay as a demon was based on performance, and my resume is kinda short on successful projects."

The smile fell from her face. "Yeah, that's me. Good ol' Mara, the perpetual screw-up..."

Then she hung her head again, and put her hands over her face, and rubbed her eyes. "Ngh... I need a drink."

Rick looked at her with concern, and then he turned to the door. "Of course. Let me rinse out this mug and—"

Mara looked up at him irritably. "No. I need a **drink**."

Rick was flabbergasted. "It's Sunday morning! And— you're a **goddess**! If anything, we ought to be in church—"

Mara rolled her eyes as she stood up. "Fer cryin' out loud. Where is it? You're over twenty-one. No need to hide it..."

She kneeled in front of his mini-refrigerator and opened it. "Soda... A couple wine coolers... Ah. Here we go."

She pulled out a bottle and grinned. "A Southern Comfort man, eh? It's not _sake_, but it'll do."

Mara opened the bottle, and took a long pull directly from it. She lowered it, and breathed out, relaxing. "That's better."

Then she looked at Rick, and raised an eyebrow. "What? Haven't you ever seen a goddess drink whiskey from the bottle before?"

Rick picked his jaw up from the floor. "Uh... **no**."

Mara returned the bottle to the refrigerator, and stood back up again. "So, what do you want to do now? This is the first day of the rest of our lives."

Rick was thoughtful. "It'll be lunch time soon. But... we had better not eat lunch in the cafeteria. I don't think either of us are ready to reveal you to anyone else I know, yet...

"Say, want to go out for lunch? We could walk to the pizza place for the lunch buffet. It's not that far, but it'll be lunch time by the time we get there."

Mara moved towards the door. "That sounds incredibly tedious, dull and boring. Let's go."

Rick reached for his coat. "Uh, listen... I think your clothes are beautiful, but they could draw a lot of attention, and..."

"Yeah, I'm sick of 'em, myself," Mara agreed. "Hang on..."

Rick turned several shades of red as Mara's robes dissolved in a flash of light. "WHOAH!" He spun around and looked away.

Mara spoke while her clothes transformed. "Oh, come **on**! Guys love 'Magical Girl Transformations'! With that kind of attitude, it's no wonder you— AAUGH!"

Rick turned back to her, and smiled. She was now wearing a white blouse, pink slacks and light boots, under a long pink coat and a **very** long white scarf.

But Mara wasn't pleased. "**LOOK** AT THIS! It's— **CUTE**! I can't even conjure up a decent leather jacket!"

"I think it looks great," Rick said. "You look just like the second Romana in 'Destiny Of The Daleks'."

Mara groaned as she opened the door and left the room. "And now I find out you're a 'Doctor Who' fan, on top of everything else? What a complete nerd!"

Rick hung his head and sighed as he closed the door behind them.

* * *

><p>The two room-mates had left the hall. They were out walking towards the pizza buffet, along the edge of a road with no sidewalk, with empty football and soccer fields to one side.<p>

"Uh, rewind," Rick said. "Did you say 'The Ultimate Farce'?"

Mara rolled her eyes and sighed for the gazillionth time. "No. I said, 'The Ultimate **Force**'. The Ultimate **Farce** would be what my life has become in the past twenty-four hours...

"The Ultimate **Force** is a power so great that even... ugh... we goddesses cannot oppose it. Our contract has been made, and the Ultimate Force will not let it be broken... damn it."

"So what happens if we try to break it ourselves?" Rick asked.

Mara suddenly smiled slyly. "Try it. Say, 'I'm leaving you, Mara,' and walk away from me."

"Uh, okay," Rick said. "'I'm leaving you, Mara.'" He turned away from her, and began to walk away from the road, into the soccer field.

He was suddenly struck by a bolt of heavenly lightning. "EEYOWTCH!"

A smirking Mara walked up to where Rick had fallen. "Does **that** answer your question? You wished for me, and now you're stuck with me. So don't you ever try to walk away from this mess."

Then she leaned over him. "Hey, you alright?"

Rick drooled. "The colors... The... pretty... colors..."

Mara grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "Aw, come on. Pull yourself together. That lightning bolt was only set on 'stun', and if you can't handle **that**..."

Rick didn't reply. As soon as he came to his feet, he looked back down. Mara looked at him, then followed his gaze down.

They were still holding hands. He was looking at her hand, in his hand.

Mara pulled her hand away, but slowly, and only after a moment that seemed to last for hours. "Uh... you said something about pizza, right?"

Rick smiled nervously. "Yeah... straight ahead." And he began to walk on again.

Mara fell slightly behind him, jamming her hands in her pockets, blushing lightly, despite herself, and muttering to herself. "I can't **believe** this. It's kicking in already. Damn girlfriend contract..."


	3. I'm Going To Kill Him

Rick and Mara stood at the cash register, just inside the door of the restaurant with the pizza buffet.

Rick handed money and a coupon to the attendant. "Two, please."

Mara smirked. "Using a coupon at a pizza buffet? You sure know how to make a girl feel special."

"What do you expect?" Rick said irritably. "I'm a college grad student."

They took up plates and napkins, and helped themselves to a few slices of pizza. Then they retired to a booth towards the back of the restaurant, and took off their coats. Mara sat down.

Rick started to sit down, but stopped himself and stood back up. "Oops. Drinks. What do you want to drink, Mara?"

Mara looked up at him and blinked. "Uh, just water? Thanks."

She watched him walk away. _Huh_, she thought, with an unreadable expression on her face. _That's handy. I could get used to this kind of treatment—_

She suddenly grimaced. She pushed her plate aside, and beat her head against the table a few times. _No no __**no**_, she thought. _Don't let the Ultimate Farce, er, Force pull you in like this. At least, not without a fight..._

Mara sat back up, and looked at the table. A few condiments sat on the table, against the wall. She grinned malevolently, took up a small shaker of hot pepper flakes, and vigorously shook it over Rick's pizza.

She returned the shaker, just as Rick returned with the drinks, and with straws in paper wrappers. "Here we go."

After he set the drinks down, he took up one straw, tore the wrapper open at one end, and blew the wrapper across the table.

Mara raised an eyebrow. "**That's** mature and sophisticated."

Rick grinned. "It's all fun and games, until someone's eye is put out... Then, it's hilarious."

Mara took up her straw, imitated Rick and tore the wrapper open at one end, and then aimed it at Rick's face and drew breath.

Rick ducked and covered. "That was a joke!"

Mara giggled as she pulled the straw wrapper off and crumpled it up. "Haven't you learned how literally we goddesses take everything, yet? You gotta watch what you say, from now on."

She pulled her plate back in front of her. "_itadakimasu_."

Rick froze, holding a slice of pizza up, with his mouth hanging open. "Huh?"

Mara sighed. "It's Japanese. It's what you say, before you eat, to be... polite..."

She suddenly held her face in her hands and whimpered. "Polite? Since when have ***I*** been **polite**? Ngh..."

Rick smiled. "Oh. Okay. 'Eat a talking mouse.'"

Then he tucked into his pizza. "C'mon, let's eat. Maybe you'll feel better after you've had some warm food. And the pizza here is good..."

He set his pizza down, tugged at his collar, and took a drink. "Although, it's more hot and spicy than I remembered...

"Oh well. I **like** hot food." He picked up his pizza again, and took another big bite.

Mara watched him eat the pizza she had peppered. Then she stared at the table, with a pained expression, and rubbed her temples.

Resigning herself to her fate, or, at least, to her lunch, she picked up a slice of pizza and nibbled at it. _Eh_, she thought. _Not bad. I've had worse._

She looked up, and saw Rick smiling at her. She sighed. "What?"

Rick's smile became apologetic. "Sorry. Didn't mean to stare... But... I like watching you eat."

Mara rolled her eyes. "Oh, **please**."

"It's the fangs," Rick said. "But they must be hard to eat with, huh?"

"You have no idea," Mara said. "I can't tell you how many times I've almost pierced my own tongue."

"Ouch," said Rick, out of sympathy.

Mara took another bite of pizza herself. "Y'know... you're the first guy who's ever asked me about eating with my fangs..."

They ate for a minute or two, in an increasingly uncomfortable silence.

Rick finally broke the silence. "Uh, Mara?... Is it true, what you said about us being stuck together?"

"And how," Mara said. "When you made your second wish, you might as well have just covered me in glue and..."

She trailed off, as a distant yet strangely unsettling look came to Rick's face.

Mara rubbed her temples again. "Okay... that was a mental image that I shouldn't have planted in your head."

Rick came to himself. "I've got to come up with a plan."

Mara blinked. "Why?"

"You're a goddess," Rick said. "You deserve better than living in a college residence hall."

Mara hung her head. "Uh... I'm not, really... and... I don't, really..."

"Oh. Well, okay. If you say so." Rick returned to his pizza.

Mara looked at him, and then hung her head again. _You might have at least put up a token argument_, she thought.

* * *

><p>Rick and Mara returned to Rick's room in the residence hall, and took their coats off.<p>

"Well, that was a nice walk, and a nice lunch," Rick said, trying to be friendly. "Don't you think so, Mara?"

Mara slumped on her bed, and looked up at him glumly again.

"Uh... yeah," Rick said. "Ohhhh-kay... Well, I have to do a couple loads of laundry this afternoon. We can't all just summon up new clothes in Magical Girl Transportations—"

Mara rubbed her temples yet again. "Trans-_formations_, Rick."

Rick laughed as he drug his laundry out from his closet, and set loose notes and a couple of textbooks on top. "Right. Well, you don't have to sit around and watch me load laundry, and study. Why don't you watch TV, or play a CD. Or I've got a few books—"

Mara had turned away to stare vacantly through the window.

Rick sighed. "Or, you could just sit there and stare vacantly through the window... Well, I'll be back in an hour or two. The laundry room is on the second floor, if you need me."

He picked up his precariously balanced load of laundry, and struggled with the door, closing it behind him.

After a few moments, Mara's gaze came back to Rick's shelf full of CDs. _Hmm_, she thought. _Guess I might as well take a closer look, and see how wide open to ridicule those CDs really are._

She scanned the CD jewel boxes, and raised an eyebrow as she pulled out a selection. _The Pet Shop Boys?_, she thought. _If he listens to them, why did he wish for a __**girl**__-friend? Oh well, I guess that's another stereotype proven false._

_Huh_, Mara thought. _I wonder if I still dance uncontrollably to disco music, now that I'm a... ugh..._

Letting her curiousity get the better of her, she put the CD in Rick's player. She switched on the speakers connected to the portable player, and started the CD.

Mara's arms immediately flailed wildly as she began to dance in place. _Well, she thought, that answers __**that**__ question._

She grimaced again. _Well, __**that**__ was incredibly stupid, she thought. I'd give myself a dope-slap, if I could stop flailing my arms. How am I going to stop the CD now?_

_Oh well. I should be able to stop the CD between songs. And I wasn't going to do anything else, the next few minutes, anyway._

* * *

><p>Rick opened the door, just as the first song on the CD began to fade out. "Sorry, I forgot quarters for the washing machines."<p>

He smiled. "Dancing? I didn't know you were a dancer."

Mara was out of breath by now. "Can't— stop— music—"

Rick went to the CD player. "Oh. You must be doing an exercise routine, right? And you don't want to interrupt it. Okay."

Just as the song faded out and stopped, Rick pressed the fast-forward button, skipping the two-second pause between songs, and starting the next song immediately. "There you go."

Mara glared at him as she gasped for breath. "Hah— hah— hah—"

Rick opened his desk drawer and got some quarters, and went back to the door. "Okay. Don't let me distract you." He left.

_I'm going to kill him_, Mara thought. _I'm going to stop this CD after the second song, and then I'm going to hunt him down and kill him. Slowly and painfully. Girlfriend contract be damned. I'm going to KILL HIM!_

* * *

><p>The elevator doors facing the laundry room opened. Rick looked up to see Mara awkwardly stumble toward him.<p>

"Mara?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

Mara was still desperately out of breath. "Guh— nuh— uh—" She began to flail her arms again, trying to communicate her anger any way she could.

Rick blinked. "Uh, okay. Five words. First word, one syllable. Time? Prime? Lime?"

Mara gave up, and slumped to the floor in exhaustion, next to Rick, staring vacantly at the ceiling.

After a minute or two, she finally got her breath back. "So... this is the laundry room. Is there anything to do down here?"

Rick sighed, closed his textbooks, and put his notes away. "Not much. There's an old piano, and a pool table. Oh, and a ping pong table—"

Mara suddenly smiled.

"Oh," Rick said. "Do you like ping pong?"

Mara smiled wider and wider. A manic gleam came to her eye.

Rick gulped. "Uh, Mara? You're scaring me."


	4. Mara vs Mara

The ping pong table was on the same floor as the laundry room, but it was in a different wing of the residence hall, away from the elevators.

Rick had gone to the front desk on the first floor, to check out the paddles and a few balls. He came into the room from around the corner. "We're lucky. There's usually a waiting list on a Sunday afternoon..."

He trailed off when he saw Mara standing at the ping pong table.

She had transformed her clothes again. She was dressed like a professional tennis player. She was wearing a white headband, a white collared shirt, an almost-but-not-quite indecently short white skirt, and long white socks and tennis shoes.

Rick walked towards her, and handed a paddle and a ball to her. "Wow. You're really taking this seriously, aren't you."

Mara grinned as she took the paddle and ball from him. "Most Japanese inns have ping pong tables. And I spent a lot of time in resorts, as a demon, uh, recuperating from, uh, work-related injuries."

She balanced her paddle on one finger, flipped it around, caught it behind her back, and then scooped up the ball and kept it in the air with her paddle, twisting around as she bounced it against her paddle with perfect control.

_Wow_, Rick thought. _She's like one of the Harlem Globetrotters. That is, if the Harlem Globetrotters played ping pong. Oh, and if they were blond women with fangs..._

_Oh well_, he thought. _At least she's not sulking any more._

He walked round to the other end of the table. "Okay. Well, I'm not much of an athlete, but I'll try to keep up with— URK!"

Mara had just served the ball— **hard**. She stood up, and frowned, and looked around the room. "Don't tell me you've lost the ball already?..."

Rick dropped his paddle, put both hands to his throat, and made a pathetic gargling noise. His face started to turn blue.

Mara smirked as she set her paddle down and went to him. "Oh. I gotcha now. I should have warned you not to play with your mouth open."

She went behind him, and put her arms around his stomach. "Don't get the wrong idea, here. I'm just saving your life."

She Heimlich maneuvered him, and he spat the ping pong ball out. He fell forwards, gasping for breath.

Mara walked back to her end of the table. "That's my point."

Rick backed away from the table unsteadily. "Uh, Mara? Uh, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to forfeit. I'm not used to being in mortal danger when playing ping pong."

Mara looked genuinely sad. "Aw, but I was just getting into it." She started to whine. "C'mon, Rick. PleeeeeeEEYOWTCH!"

Rick looked at her with concern. "Mara? Are you alright?"

Mara had slapped a hand to her mouth. "I tried to stick out my bottom lip and pout. I never did cute things like that when I was a demon. I think I just sprained my face."

But then, she smiled. "Say... I **am** a goddess now. I should be able to do **this**..."

She closed her eyes, and concentrated. Reality seemed to blur around her, for a brief moment. A strange low-pitched humming sound filled the air.

After reality was restored, there were two Maras.

Rick stumbled back. "WHOAH! I didn't know you could do that!"

The first Mara leaned on the ping pong table for support. "Yeah. Urd does it... all the time. But she usually... does mini-Urds. It's harder to do a... full-sized duplicate. It takes a lot... out of you..."

The second Mara grinned. "It took fifty percent out of you, to be precise."

The first Mara stood back up, and also grinned. "Anyway. I've got someone closer to my skill level to play against now. Uh, no offense, Rick."

Then both Maras looked at Rick, and they both frowned.

Another distant, yet strangely unsettling, look was on Rick's face. He talked out loud to himself. "Two Maras... or maybe even more... and they're **mine**... all mine!..."

Mara-1 held a hand over her eyes. "Yeesh. Even you nice guys are perverts..."

But Mara-2 grinned again, and walked up to Rick. She put an arm around him, and tickled his chin with one finger. "Aw, don't say that. He's kinda cute when he's like this."

Rick suddenly came to himself. "Eh?"

Mara-2 suddenly grabbed his face, hard enough to pucker his lips. "And who could resist a face like this?"

Rick rolled his eyes to her. "Uh... Woubould youboo plebease nobot doboo thabat?"

Mara-1 scowled. "What are you trying to do, put me off my game?"

Mara-2 smiled slyly, and released Rick's face, and patted his cheek. "Say, I've got an idea. Care to make this interesting?"

Mara-1 raised an eyebrow. "What, exactly, did you have in mind?"

"A wager," Mara-2 said, "on the game. Say... the loser has to show lover-boy here a good time?"

Rick's face went red. "Hey, wait a minute!..."

Mara-1 crossed her arms and regarded Mara-2 skeptically. "And the winner?..."

"The winner **doesn't** have to," Mara-2 said dryly.

Rick frowned. "Hey! **Wait** a **minute**!..."

Mara-1 rolled her eyes. "As tempting as that bet is, I think..."

Mara-2 grinned maniacally. "What's the matter? You chicken?"

Mara-1 suddenly stiffened. "What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

Mara-2 began to strut around, making clucking noises. "Chicken!"

Veins began to pop out on Mara-1's forehead. "LISTEN, you! Er, I mean, me! I don't have to stand here and take that from me! Er, I mean, you!..."

Rick cleared his throat. "Uh, don't I get a say in this?"

Both Maras turned on him, and angrily shouted in unison. "NO!"

Rick hung his head. "I just thought I'd ask."

Mara-1 walked round the table, towards her duplicate. "FINE! The bet is ON!"

Both Maras spat in their hands, and shook on it. Then they both looked at their hands, and grimaced.

Mara-1 sighed. "That's really disgusting... even when it's your own spit..."

She reached for the ping pong ball. It was sitting in the middle of the table, next to the net. But Mara-2 suddenly reached out and whacked Mara-1's hand with her own paddle. "What makes you think **you** get to serve first!"

Mara-1 nursed her hand. "Because I **am** first, you idiot! **You're** the duplicate!"

Mara-2 stuck out her tongue. "That's age discrimination!"

The two Maras growled at each other. They suddenly shouted in perfect unison, as they held their hands out toward each other. "PAPER-ROCK-SCISSORS! GO! TIE! TIE! TIE! TIE AGAIN! TIE! TIE! TIE!..."

Rick groaned, and fished in his pocket for a quarter. "Oh, fer cryin' out loud. Let's toss a coin."

He flipped it in the air. "Call it for first serve."

Both Maras called out in unison. "EDGE!"

Rick looked at them, letting the quarter fall to the floor. "Oh, come **on**! First of all, you can't both make the same call! And second, you can't call eh— eh—"

All three of them looked down at the floor. The quarter had landed on its edge.

Rick sighed, bent down and scooped up his coin. "Tell you what. I'm going to go check on my laundry, and then I'm going to go get a soda. I'll come back after you're done bending the laws of probability."

Mara-1 watched him leave. "Huh. What's eating him?"

Mara-2 grinned yet again. "Oh, don't worry. He must be overwhelmed with anticipation of your sweet sweet love."

Mara-1 shuddered. "Would you please STOP that!"

* * *

><p>Rick returned, a few minutes later, carrying three cans of soda, for the two Maras and himself.<p>

He whistled softly as he watched them play. The ball was moving almost too fast to see, and the sound of it against the table was like automatic gunfire.

He walked a little closer. "What's the score?" he asked quietly.

One of the Maras (he had lost track of which was which) answered him, without turning away from the game. "It's still nothing, nothing."

"Oh," Rick said. "Who's winning?"

He ducked as both Maras threw their paddles at him.

The Maras turned back to each other, and spoke in unison, in agreement. "Interference."

Rick chuckled as he handed their paddles back to them. "Sorry. If I'm a distraction, I'll go back to the laundry room. Anyway, I really should be studying for—"

"Oh, don't go," one Mara said.

"Yeah," the other Mara said. "It's... nice... to have someone to... show off... to..."

The two Maras looked at each other, in surprise at each other. Then they both looked down, and stared at the ping pong table.

"Oh. Well, okay," Rick said. "Play ball."

He fetched the ping pong ball, and tossed it onto the table, and the two Maras immediately resumed their high-speed play. Then he fetched a chair, and pulled it up to one side of the table.

He sat down, and opened a can of soda. It made a loud fizzing noise, and soda sprayed into the air. "Aw, nuts," Rick said. "Must have shaken up the can— OUCH!"

He hadn't thought to duck from the thrown paddles, this time.


	5. You Really Are An Idiot

Rick and Mara returned to Rick's room again.

Mara slammed the door shut behind her, walked into the room and collapsed on her bed with a sigh. "Whew. What an afternoon..."

She came to herself when she heard a dull thumping noise at the door, as if someone was beating their head against it.

A confused Mara went back to the door and opened it, to see Rick still holding his laundry up with both hands. He grinned at her. "Uh, my hands are kinda full here."

"Oh. Sorry." Mara reached for the laundry baskets. "Um, here. Let me take care of that."

A surprised Rick let her take the laundry from him. "Oh. Okay. Thanks, Mara."

She set the baskets down by the dresser, and pulled drawers open until she found one that was empty. Then, she turned the laundry baskets upside down over the open drawer, and dumped them out. She set the baskets down, and then whacked the unfolded laundry with her open hands, to get it to fit. And then, she pushed the drawer shut with her bottom.

Rick pulled a face. "Uh... thanks. I guess I'll fold it later."

Mara collapsed on her bed again, clapping her hands together as if to clean them, and breathed out heavily again. But then, she looked up at Rick again, and spoke. "Um, Rick? About that bet..."

"Oh, let's forget about that," Rick said nervously. "The score was still nothing, nothing, when you quit. And there isn't any winner or loser now, anyway, since you've, uh, recombined.

"Besides, I wouldn't want to do... that... on a bet. I mean, this must be bad enough as it is... Oh, no, I mean, this is great, and I'm happy to have you here, and I'm sure that **that** would be...

"Aw, nuts. I don't know **what** I mean. Let's just forget it, okay?"

Mara smiled wryly. "Yes. Let's... So, what now?"

"Dinner?" Rick suggested hopefully.

Mara sighed. "Is food all you think about? I'm the one who ought to be hungry. All you did was sit and watch me play."

Rick looked down at his belt. "Yeah, well, I **have** lost **some** weight, since high school. But, yeah, I guess..."

Mara stood up again. "Oh, relax. I don't expect you to renounce the hypocrisy of the female body image in the media. Anyway, you may not be a Sean Connery, but you're not **that** bad. I've seen worse..."

Then Mara sighed again. "Oh, let's go eat, before I say something even more stupid. Um, I guess I should change for dinner... You might want to turn around again."

Rick turned around, but noted the bright light that marked Mara's transformation, reflecting off the walls. She spoke, as the light faded. "Okay... Hey, **this** didn't come out too badly, if I do say so myself."

Rick turned back, and he made no attempt not to stare.

Mara now wore a long, tight, green, tight, and simply stunning, and tight, dress, cut in a vaguely Japanese style, under a dark jacket. Her hair was done up in an elegant braid, and her face was made up as if she was a movie star sitting for a portrait.

She smirked. "I'll take that blank stare as approval... Yeesh. I guess I'd better not model any swim suits for you for awhile. I might warp your fragile little mind."

Rick gulped. "Uh... you didn't have to do... that... just for me. I thought we'd just go to the cafeteria for dinner. It's always quiet on Sunday evenings."

Mara winked. "Oh, don't worry about it. That's one thing about Magical Girl Transformations. This is about as easy to conjure up as sweats and sneakers."

* * *

><p>The cafeteria was on the top floor of the residence hall, but it was only one floor above Rick's room. The stairwell was closer to his room than the elevators, and so Rick guided Mara to the stairs.<p>

This didn't keep Mara from complaining loudly, as they came out of the stairwell, into one wing of the cafeteria.

"I told you that you didn't have to wear that," Rick said. "But you can't just go flying through the stairwell."

"Yeah?" Mara said. "Well, **you** should try climbing steps in a dress like this."

They both froze in their tracks, and looked at each other.

Mara shuddered. "No. You shouldn't. In fact, **please** don't."

They began to walk again, crossing the mostly empty wing of the cafeteria, making their way towards the serving area. But they were distracted by half a dozen students seated at one of the cafeteria tables, watching them walk past, with a shared look of complete astonishment.

Rick gulped. "Oh boy. My friends."

As they came to the table, Mara grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop, then leaned against him slightly and smiled. "Why, Rick! Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

Rick gulped again, and smiled nervously. "Uh... everyone... this is Mara... Uh?..."

Mara whispered in his ear.

Rick continued. "Mara de Yggdrasil. My, uh, well, I guess she's my girlfr—"

WHOMP!

Everyone seated at the table had fallen backwards in their chairs in a dead faint, unable to believe what they had seen and heard.

Mara giggled. "Your reputation precedes you, I see."

Rick hung his head and groaned. "Aw, **man**..."

* * *

><p>Rick's friends had left by the time he and Mara returned from the serving area with their food. It was late evening by now, and the dining area was empty. A few students came and went, via the stairwell, but they took their food away, to eat in their rooms.<p>

The cafeteria was on the top floor of the residence hall, and tall wide windows allowed for a fine view of the college campus. The sun had set, and the campus was lit up like a small city.

Rick and Mara sat at a table in a corner, next to the windows, and ate, and talked quietly. They looked out at the street lights that marked the layout of the campus, and the light from the windows of the other campus buildings.

"It's very... flat," Mara noted.

"Yeah, that's the Midwest United States for you," Rick agreed. "I guess this really is boring, for a goddess..."

He turned to her. "Uh, Mara? You were a demon... So, I guess you were originally... from?..."

Mara smiled. "Not really. I wasn't part of the Judeo-Christian pantheon, remember? Or, at least, not a fundamentalist reading of it. It's not 'hell' as you'd think of it. Actually, it's more of a Norse underworld. It's called Nifelheim."

"So... what's it like?" Rick asked.

Mara was thoughtful. "Well, actually... it's a lot like this campus. Flat, featureless, and... boring. But there's never enough parking. Lots of large old buildings. Lots of bureaucracy. No one ever seems to know what's really going on..."

Still smiling, she changed the subject. "But that's neither here nor there. Literally. Tell me more about yourself. I promise to try to stay awake."

Rick shrugged. "What's to tell? I was born and raised not far from here. I was a near-straight-A student in high school and college. I got my bachelor's degree in computer science, because I didn't know what else to do, and now I'm getting a master's degree, because I don't want to look for a job yet...

"What else? Not much close family. Not many close friends. I watch 'Doctor Who', but I don't really like science fiction that much. I read, but not enough to be taken seriously. Uh, I listen to weird music..."

Mara grinned at Rick. "The compleat social outcast, eh? I'll bet you were even in the high school marching band."

Rick grinned back. "All four years. Y'know, I should have played trombone. The girls loved the trombone players."

Mara paused to finish her food before asking her next question. "Mind my asking why you didn't have a?..."

Rick smiled sheepishly and rubbed his neck. "No good reason. All of the above. I keep busy. I have a rich and varied, and socially awkward, fantasy life...

"And... I've always been a little embarrassed by my weight. I have lost a lot of weight since high school, but... Yeesh. I sound like a teenaged girl...

"And... Well... Oh, do you really want to hear this?"

Mara smiled warmly, so warmly that she surprised herself. "Sure. Why not? I'm not going anywhere..."

Rick sighed deeply. "Okay. Well... there was a girl. I knew her since kindergarten. We were in the same class, more often than not. And we were pals. Maybe even best friends.

"She was sweet. I guess she had to be, to put up with a weirdo like me. She was pretty smart, too. And she was as cute as a button. A real girl-next-door type.

"But after sixth grade, just before junior high school... Just before we were old enough to... be more than friends... She moved away. Out of state.

"We wrote some letters to each other, and I saw her once or twice when she came back to the area for a visit, but we fell out of touch after a few years. And I all but forgot about her.

"And... junior high school was hell, and high school wasn't much better. I know this is completely backwards, but the only part of school that I liked was the classes. A social life was out of the question. I'm not saying I couldn't have tried harder, but I don't think it would have mattered much...

"And I was stupid enough to start college with another major. By the time I switched to computer science, I had part time jobs, and then my graduate assistantship. I like college, but I never had much time for a social life here. And I was so messed up, after high school, I didn't want to try...

"And then, not too long ago, here at college, I got a phone call from that girl. The one that had moved away after sixth grade. I hadn't heard from her for years, by then. She was visiting friends here, and she wanted to see me again. We arranged a time and place to meet.

"I thought about what good friends we'd been, when we were so young. How well we'd got along. How well we knew each other. And I got some stupid ideas in my head. Possibilities that I'd never thought about much. I didn't expect us to fall in love at first sight, or anything like that, but I let myself hope for... something...

"But she never showed up. And I haven't heard from her since.

"I try to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I figure it was most likely one of two things. Either she had... changed... and she was having fun with me, and she never had any intention of meeting me... Or she saw me before I saw her, and she took one look at me, and she turned around and walked away.

"I know I'm too sensitive, and I know I over-reacted. But... that was it. That was the end. That was when... I gave up."

Rick stopped talking, and stared through the windows, into the dark.

_And that was when you were added to the Yggdrasil case list_, Mara thought. _Everyone's got a sob story... But still... I asked for it. And you were willing to tell me..._

_Well, I'm the girlfriend now. Now is when I say, don't be sad. Forget about all that. I'm here now. I'm here... for you..._

_I don't know if I can do this_, she thought. _I've never done anything remotely like this before now. But I guess I should try to say something. And I think... I want to..._

Mara opened her mouth to speak.

Rick stood up. "Are you done? We probably ought to head back to my room, if you're ready. I've really got to start studying for my classes tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Mara turned in her bed, and grumbled to herself. <em>It's gotta be past one in the morning<em>, she thought. _Time for all good little goddesses to be asleep. Why is the light still on?_

She sat up, to see Rick still at his desk, poring over his books. She opened her mouth to complain, but then she caught herself, just in time.

And then, Rick turned back to her. "Oh. Sorry. Want me to go to the lounge?"

"No, no," Mara said. "You're up this late because of me, right? Because you spent all day with me, instead of studying."

"Yeah, well," Rick said, "only an idiot would waste his first full day with a goddess studying. Especially when it was his fault that she was—"

Mara sighed, but smiled. "You really are an idiot, you know? This is probably the girlfriend contract talking, but... you can stop apologizing for that, now..."

They stared at each other, for a moment that seem to last for hours.

Mara sighed again, and flopped back down. "Good night, Rick."

"'Night," Rick said, as he turned back to his books.

Mara turned to the wall, and closed her eyes. But she smiled to herself.

_We're both idiots_, Mara thought.


	6. Video Girl Ai Yi Yi part 1

**NOTE:** 'Phil, Prince Of Insufficient Light' is an old _Dilbert_ character.

* * *

><p>Mara screamed.<p>

After she caught her breath, she propped herself up on one elbow, in her bed, and looked across the room. "Morning, Rick."

Rick blinked a few times, in his bed, and turned to her. "Hey, that scream was even shorter than yesterday morning's scream."

Mara grinned. "I guess I'm getting used to this. I'll have been here a week, tomorrow. Maybe, after another week, I can wake up with a mere terrified gasp."

Rick shook his head to clear it. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "Uh, 'Ohio goes the mouse.'"

The smile fell from Mara's face. She put a hand over her eyes. "Three things. One, it's 'ohayou gozaimasu.' Two, just because I forget myself, and still use Japanese now and then, it doesn't mean you have to use it. And three, it's way too early in the morning for 'Japengrish'."

"Duly noted... Well, I'm glad that you're adjusting." Rick held up his watch. "Even if it means that I'll have to start using my alarm clock again, after you've stopped..." He trailed off, and stared at his watch.

Rick screamed.

Mara broke several laws of physics as she spun around, bolted up from her bed, and fell to the floor, all at once.

"Ngh!" said Rick, as he fumbled with his blankets. "You screamed about an hour late! I've only got five minutes to get to my exam this morning!"

"Aw, relax," Mara grumbled. "It's not as if your master's degree depended on it..."

Rick glared at her. "This course is required! And this exam is thirty percent of the course! If I get a zero on this exam, the best I can get for the course is a borderline C-minus, even if I ace all the coursework and... aw, nuts! Where's my other shoe!"

"I said, **relax**," Mara said. "I walked through that hall with you a couple of days ago, and I used the restrooms there. The restrooms have nice big mirrors on the wall. And I can do both CDs and mirrors, now. Remember? I can teleport you there in an instant."

Rick dropped his other shoe, and just after he'd found it, too. "Oh, Mara! I could kiss you!"

Mara grimaced as she went to his mini-refrigerator. "Would you mind not saying things like that before I've had my breakfast?"

She pulled out a nearly empty bottle of Southern Comfort. "Hey, we need to go grocery shopping this weekend."

Rick glanced at her as he buttoned his shirt up wrong, then undid the buttons and did them again. "I'll buy you a case of whiskey, if you can get me to the exam on time!"

Mara drained the bottle, and then dropped it into the waste can. "Any chance of finding some _sake_ around here? Mmm, probably not. How about some cheap vodka? Or—"

Rick scrabbled at his desk, throwing paper and pencils into his book-bag. "Mara! **Please**!"

"Oh, **alright**," Mara sighed. "Climb up on the dresser, and I'll give you a push through the mirror."

Rick cleared the top of the dresser, and climbed up, but paused. "Hey, wait a minute. Is this safe?"

Mara gave him a wink. "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

* * *

><p>Several people screamed.<p>

Explanations and apologies were ignored.

Hard slaps, and a few punches, were thrown. Some of them landed.

Threats of further bodily harm, and legal action, were made, in between the sustained screaming.

And then, Rick struggled out of the bathroom, and staggered down the hall, towards his classroom.

_Memo to self_, he thought. _Before you let Mara send you through mirrors again— take her on a tour of the campus, and walk her through all the buildings, and sneak her into the __**men's**__ restrooms, so she can memorize some __**safe**__ mirrors for you to use._

Rick walked into the classroom, slinking to an empty chair in the back row. His bottom hit the seat, just as the period bell rang.

The professor stood at the front of the room, but he didn't have any test forms to distribute. "I have an announcement to make," he said. "I'm afraid that I'll have to postpone today's exam—"

He was cut off by a collective sigh of relief, some whispers, and the sound of one head beating against a desk.

* * *

><p>After a mercifully otherwise uneventful day, Rick walked through the college campus, musing to himself, lost in his thoughts.<p>

It was Friday evening. It was his first Friday night with Mara. Heck, it was a Friday night with a girl, period.

And, during lunch, Mara had said that she had good news for him. It was a surprise. She had even promised it wouldn't be painful.

He felt like they should celebrate— do something special.

He was grateful that Mara didn't seem interested in the local bar scene. And her alcoholic consumption to date had been limited to her liquid breakfasts.

Well, what, then? Maybe a nice dinner at a good restaurant, and then a first-run movie...

Rick paused, reached for his wallet, pulled it out and opened it. He counted the money in it. And then, he counted the money that **wasn't** in it.

He sighed. Take-out sandwiches and video rental, it was.

* * *

><p>Rick wandered through a near-by video store. He often wandered through video stores for a long time, sometimes for half an hour or more, trying to decide what to rent— and that was when he was only renting for himself.<p>

_A Three Stooges marathon is probably not the best choice for a romantic Friday night_, he thought.

Being a sensitive kind of guy, he had a passing acquaintance with the Chick Flick section of the video store. But then, he didn't know if recently-converted Norse demons liked romantic dramas.

Rick finally gave up, suppressed his male instincts further, and walked to the front counter to ask the attendant for help. _Maybe she'll have a good suggestion_, he thought. _She looks like a nice young lady._

Then, he got a good look at her, and he decided to make an appointment with an eye doctor.

Mara grinned at him. "I wondered when you'd see it was me."

"You're... working here?" Rick asked. It was painfully obvious, and yet so completely and utterly inconceivable.

"Yeah, well, you get tired of playing ping pong against yourself, after a few days. And, with my resume, it was this, or flipping burgers. I guess I ought to think about going to college..."

Rick stammered. "Yeah... but..."

"Don't **worry**," Mara said. "The work sucks, and the hours suck, but at least it doesn't pay very well. And the boss says I have excellent customer service skills."

"He **what**!" Rick said. "That's what I was worried about!"

Mara winked, as another male customer walked up to her counter. Rick knew that you shouldn't judge people by their looks, but the guy looked about as dumb as a bowl of wet mice.

"Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year?" the dumb guy asked.

Mara snapped her fingers, and the dumb guy was struck by a bolt of heavenly lightning.

The dumb guy picked himself up from the floor, and stumbled away. "Uh... okay. I'll go look for it again."

Rick gulped, and spoke out loud to himself. "Man... I've got to make sure I always rewind the tapes I rent from this store."

Then he spoke to Mara. "Are you allowed to do things like that? Now that you're a, uh, 'oddess-gay'?"

Still grinning, Mara turned back to Rick. "He was a dumb guy. He's annoyed countless hundreds of people throughout his life. One of the perks of being an 'oddess-gay' is the privilege of dispensing karmic justice."

Then she sighed. "Hey... you weren't planning anything for us tonight, were you? My shift runs til midnight. Why don't you just order some take-out sandwiches, and watch a Three Stooges marathon, or something."

Rick couldn't hide his look of both relief and disappointment. "Well... okay. Uh, you wanna do something together tomorrow?"

"Sure," Mara said warmly. "Well, anything except video rental."

* * *

><p>Just as Rick left the video store, Mara heard a sepulchral voice behind her.<p>

"Mara."

"EEP!" Mara said. "Boss! Don't scare me like that! At least, not unless you're gonna offer health insurance to cover my heart attack!"

"That young man was your boyfriend, wasn't he?"

The word "boyfriend" had to bounce around Mara's brain two or three times before it connected. "Uh... yeah. I'm afraid so. But don't worry. I didn't give him any free rentals, or—"

"Mara. I know about his contract."

"Well, **yeah**. He said he's been renting videos from this store since he started college, about five years ago. And his last name is 'Anthony', so you've probably seen it near the top of—"

"No, Mara," the video store manager said. "His **other** contract. His contract with **you**."

"Hey!" Mara said. "Just **what** kind of a girl do you think I **am**!"

"A localized manifestation of a 10-dimensional Yggdrasil goddess, and a former Nifelheim demon, transformed by the Ultimate Force, serving the terms of a girlfriend contract on the mortal plane."

Mara looked at him blankly, and blinked a few times. "Uh... yeah," she said slowly. "That about covers it."

"And you are a most valuable young lady to have in my employ. I can put you to good use, indeed. Heh heh heh. Mwah ha ha ha!"

"Look!" Mara said indignantly. "I don't know what you're getting at, but I told you before, and I'm telling you again! I don't do bathrooms! I'm not your slave, you know!—"

The video store manager held up Mara's job application, bearing her signature, and pointed out one section, written in almost invisibly tiny print.

Mara squinted to read the fine print. She sighed. "Aw, nuts. Apparently, I **am** your slave. Where's collective bargaining when you need it?...

"But you're messing around with the Ultimate Force! I think I'm about to be outwitted again, but just who do you think you are?"

"Why, Mara," the video store manager said. "Don't you recognize me? I run the dimension next door to Nifelheim, after all. Allow me to take you to your **new** home, where I shall reveal my true form to you."

The video store vanished, and Mara found herself in a horrible place— a cold silent gray world, where lost souls restlessly wandered through a senseless maze, without purpose, without end.

Mara looked around her. "What are we doing in this large office building? Look at all those cubicles. They seem to stretch out forever. And there's... insufficient... light..."

"Yes, Mara. This is **my** domain. Welcome to... heck."

Mara turned back, and instantly recognized the true form of the video store manager. "Oh," she said sadly. "Hey, Phil. Nice spoon."


	7. Video Girl Ai Yi Yi part 2

**NOTE:** This part and the next part have several scenes that are direct parodies of _Video Girl Ai_. (I'm not sure why I did that, since I only ever watched it two or three times.)

* * *

><p>Rick had returned from the video store. He sat on his bed, and then pulled the video tapes that he had rented from a plastic bag.<p>

He sighed. "Aw, **man**... These aren't the Three Stooges tapes that I rented. Mara must have given me the wrong bag."

He held up one video tape. "'Goddess Films: Sexy Dynamite! Part Two'? That sounds like some cheesy late-night cable-TV soft-porn flick— or some weird anime show. I'm not gonna watch **that**."

Then he held up the other tape. "Huh. The cover is fading. Oh well. Let's see what it is. Maybe it is a Three Stooges tape, after all."

He turned on his television and VCR, and started the tape. Then he turned away, to open up his take-out sandwich, allowing the tape to play through the FBI warnings that no one ever watches.

The movie began. But something was wrong with the tape. Static both filled the picture and obscured the sound.

Rick fidgeted with the tracking buttons on his remote control, and sighed again. "Must be an old tape. Well, I wasn't going to ask for a refund, or a free rental in exchange, but I can't let **this** go."

The picture cleared up enough to reveal the silhouette of a young woman's head and shoulders. And the sound cleared up enough to allow her voice to be heard.

"Hello. What's the matter? You don't seem so happy. Oh, I see... you lost your love. Hey, don't look so sad..."

Rick took a bite of his sandwich, and spoke to himself again, through a mouthful of food. "This is the worst Three Stooges episode I've ever seen."

The woman spoke again. "Am I not good enough to fill the role? But, I'll do my best to cheer you up... So, you really need me sincerely?"

Rick sighed yet again. "Man... this is really creepy..."

The woman also seemed to sigh. But then she spoke once more. "Fine! From now on I'll always be with you. I'll be with you!" And she seemed to reach forwards, through the screen.

Rick whistled. "Wow. I wish the picture was better. It looks like she's reaching forwards, through the screen..."

Despite himself, he leaned forwards, and brought his face close to the television. Soft warm hands slowly extended from the static-filled screen, and lovingly caressed his face.

Then, they suddenly grabbed his head, and pulled it forwards, whacking his forehead against the glass of the screen, making a dull pinging noise.

Rick fell back, flat on the floor, dropping his sandwich. "OW!"

"Aw, nuts," the woman said. "I was hoping that I could download myself out of here, through this virtual reality link."

Rick looked up at the screen again. It suddenly cleared up, and he gasped. "Mara? What's going on? Why are you—"

"There's no time to explain," the TV image of Mara said. "Let's just say I didn't read the fine print. But I'm in trouble, Rick. I'm so deep in hoopla that you're the only one that can save me, from a terrible fate worse than—"

"Can I finish my sandwich first?" Rick asked, as he stood up. "It's Italian beef and sausage. They're a lot better when they're still warm."

Mara scowled. "HELLO! Damsel in distress here! Remember the last time you tried to walk away from the girlfriend contract!"

Rick wrapped up his sandwich and put it in the mini-refrigerator. "Okay, okay. But where in the heck are you?"

Mara blinked. "How did you know I was in heck?"

Rick blinked. "Huh?"

Mara sighed. "Oh, never mind. Just look for the inconceivably beautiful blonde with face tattoos and fangs when you get here."

"But I can't go through the television," Rick said. "And I can't teleport through mirrors or CDs, you know—"

He looked down, in front of the television. He leaned over and picked something up. "Mara? Is this your bracelet?"

Mara grinned when she saw it. "Yeah! That's one of my goddess bracelets! It must've gone through, after all. You can use that to find me. I can download the coordinates into it from here."

Mara seemed to concentrate, and a small bolt of electricity flew from the television to the bracelet. Rick winced, and held the bracelet in his other hand, and shook his fingers. "Ouch! That stung! Hey, is this thing properly grounded?"

"Never **mind**," Mara said. "This link is about to fail. Just come and get me, quick. It's incredibly dull and boring here, even more so than it is there."

The picture and the sound began to fade to static again. "Mara? MARA!" Rick called out. "What am I supposed to do?"

Mara's voice came through, one last time. "Use the bracelet. And use your head."

The picture and the sound faded away completely. And then, the VCR spat out a plume of unwound video tape, and shut itself off.

Rick looked at the loose video tape with a worried expression. "I hope I won't have to buy a replacement for that tape...

"Now, let's see. 'Use the bracelet, and use your head.' Okay."

Rick stood in front of the television, held the bracelet in both hands, closed his eyes, and concentrated. Then he leaned forwards, throwing himself at the television.

He whacked his forehead against the glass of the screen, making a dull pinging noise.

He fell back, flat on the floor, dropping the bracelet. "OW!"

Rick sat back up, and picked up the bracelet. "Well, that didn't work... oh. Of course."

He put the bracelet on. "Don't use your head. Use your **head**. Well, let's try again."

He held his bracelet-ed hand up, to the television screen. He closed his eyes and concentrated again, and touched the screen.

As his hand went through the screen, and as Rick was pulled out of the mortal plane, his eyes widened, and he clenched his teeth. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! PINS AND NEEDLES! PINS AND NEEDLES! MAN, THIS STINGS! THE MIRROR WASN'T NEARLY THIS BAD!"

* * *

><p>As the link to Rick's television failed, Mara sat back from a computer on the desk in front of her with a worried sigh.<p>

It was the only movement she could make. She was bound to a rolling office chair with dozens of computer power cables, bundles of loose wires, and hundreds of meters of phone line. Only her head was visible above the tangled mess.

She heard an evil chuckle, and turned her head to see Phil, standing at the entrance to her cubicle. His spoon gleamed at his side, even in the insufficient light.

"And so it begins," he said, smirking in an annoying way.

"Aw, nuts," Mara said again. "You let me make that link, and that download, didn't you? You've set this whole thing up."

"Indeed," Phil said. "You've saved me the trouble of bringing your young man here."

Mara sighed. "Well, in that case, the least you could have done is to have left my hands free. You have no idea how hard it was to type all of that with my nose."

She squirmed in the rat's nest of wires. "And you didn't tie me up right, anyway. You've cut off the circulation in my arms."

Phil raised an eyebrow. "How would you know? Have you been tied up regularly?"

Mara blushed heavily, and stammered. "Yeah— well— never mind that! Just tell me how you've managed to tie down a first-class goddess! I ought to be able to—"

Phil held up her job application again. "Why, Mara. You signed your job application. And this document is—"

Mara groaned. "Oh, **no**. Here it comes—"

Phil completed his thought. "—legally **binding**."

Mara hung her head. "Well, I just **asked** for that one."

Phil continued. "Unfortunately, your girlfriend contract is legally binding, as well. Both your young man and I have a valid claim of ownership."

Mara groaned again, still hanging her head. "Aw, **man**... I might be a post-feminist goddess with low self-esteem, but I **am** a person. At least, Rick doesn't treat me like an object..."

"Ah, but he won't not do it for much longer," Phil gloated. "I've elected to resolve our conflict of interest with a test of his devotion. It was that, or throw this mess at the lawyers...

"If he passes the test, your employment contract with me will be voided, and you can return to your happy life with him—"

He was interrupted by a derisive snort from Mara.

"But," Phil continued, "if he fails the test, your Yggdrasil girlfriend contract will be voided, and you shall serve **me**. Forever.

"And I shall win. My domain is one of annoyance, and tedium, and incomprehensible boredom. The only way to overcome these terrible forces is to employ imagination, and silliness, and an incomprehensible sense of humor.

"Only one with a fantasy life rich and varied, to the point of social awkwardness, may have any hope of defeating me."

Mara let this sink in, and then she remembered her evening talk with Rick in the cafeteria. She remembered what he had said.

"Oh, you're goin' **down**, Spoon-Boy," said Mara, with a big silly grin on her face. "You're goin' down **hard**."

* * *

><p>Rick fell, and screamed as he fell.<p>

He continued to fall, and continued to scream.

He finally ran out of breath, and stopped screaming.

He pondered his current situation. _It sure is a long ways down to wherever I'm going_, he thought. _It takes a long time to get there, even falling at terminal velocity._

There wasn't anything else to do, after Rick got his breath back, so he decided to scream some more.

* * *

><p>Somewhere, in a place that wasn't a place, the pendulum of a huge clock stopped swinging.<p>

Time had stopped for Rick. The visual metaphor had been shown.

* * *

><p>Rick sat up. He opened his mouth to scream again, but then he realized that he must not be falling, since he had just sat up.<p>

He looked around him, and saw a slightly out-of-focus replica of the college campus. It was eerily silent and still.

He spoke out loud to himself. "What's this? Where am I?"

"It's the world of your imagination. The one you, yourself, created. When you followed her into the video, your desires inspired it."

Rick looked around again, to see who had spoken. He found a man standing beside him. The man wore a short scarf and a light jacket over a sweater covered with question marks. He also wore a banded light straw hat, and he held an umbrella in one hand.

"Doctor Who?" Rick gasped. "Er, I mean, the Doctor? The Seventh Doctor?"

Then he sighed. "Is this an out-of-context fantasy sequence? I **hate** it when they ruin a story with—"

"The one you seek is near," the Doctor said. "Mara is near."

Rick gasped again. "How do you know that? I never told you—"

"That's she's a Yggdrasil goddess? Well, I **am** the Doctor!" The Doctor dope-slapped Rick with the shaft of his umbrella.

"Do you know where she is?" Rick asked, wincing and rubbing the back of his head.

"Of course." The Doctor smiled an enigmatic all-knowing Season-26 manipulative-Doctor smile. "You never asked."

* * *

><p>Phil and Mara watched Rick on the monitor of the computer on the desk in Mara's cubicle.<p>

"Interesting," Phil said. "A human has never entered the video world before. And you made it happen."

"So what do you intend to do?" Mara asked.

"Indeed," Phil said. "What do I intend to do?"

Mara sighed. "I just asked you that."


	8. Video Girl Ai Yi Yi part 3

**NOTE:** In case you don't follow _Doctor Who_, the three women in the second scene are characters from the "classic" series. Again, the scenes are direct parodies of _Video Girl Ai_.

* * *

><p>The Doctor spoke again, in a menacing voice. He suddenly seemed much more menacing than a slight middle-aged Scottish man might first seem to be.<p>

"Out-of-context fantasy sequences don't last forever. I'd move on, if I were you."

He pointed his umbrella down, and stabbed at the ground with its tip. A wide chasm opened, spreading impossibly fast.

"Which is it to be? It's time for you to decide, Rick. You can only go after one of them. Why not let your heart choose?"

Rick fell into the chasm. He screamed again as he fell again.

* * *

><p>Rick sat up. He didn't almost scream again. He was starting to get a handle on the way this place worked.<p>

He found himself in a gently rolling landscape of pink blossoms. "Now where am I? What is this place?"

He stood, unsteadily. "Wow. Look at all these cherry blossoms. Maybe this is Washington D.C."

"Rick?"

Rick turned to the vision of feminine beauty that had called to him. She walked towards him slowly, through the cherry blossoms, arms outstretched, smiling sweetly.

"Nuh— Nyssa!" Rick gasped. "Nyssa of Traken!"

Nyssa came closer. "Know what? I'd like to go home— with you. It's your girlfriend contract, so you can do it. Right? If you think about it... really... hard."

Rick simply gaped at every Doctor Who fan-boy's dream come true. And suddenly, the dream got even better.

"I love you," Nyssa said.

Rick drew back in shock. "WHAT!"

"I love you," Nyssa repeated. "Aren't you happy? I'm the tragic lone survivor of a destroyed world, a lovable young woman searching for a place in the cosmos. I'm a brilliant bio-chemist. And I'm cuter than cute itself."

"AAUGH!" said Rick. "It's a trap! The 'real' Nyssa wouldn't be so forward! At least, not before she contracted Lazar's disease, and wandered around Terminus in her underwear! STAY BACK!"

Nyssa sighed. "How about this, then?" And she changed.

Rick gasped again. But then he sighed, and smiled sadly, at the same time. "Nope. Sorry. Leela's nice, but the whole primitive huntress in animal skins thing never did that much for me. Uh, no offense."

The woman changed once more, apparently deciding to play her trump card. Rick's face went red, and he stammered. "Puh— Puh- - Peri... In the buh— buh— bikini from 'The Planet Of Fire'..."

"Feelings do change over time, you know," Peri said with her fake American accent. "How can you be sure it'll last forever? Wouldn't you much rather go for the sure thing?

"Well? I'm waiting."

"But..." Rick said. "But... I CAN'T SWIM!"

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't do this. Stay back! I said, STAY BACK! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

He opened his eyes, and everything had changed. He stood in a desolate sun-baked desert of caked mud. A dried-mud statue of Peri stood before him, arms still stretched out towards him.

Rick frowned. "Look how dry her skin is. She should have used some sun-screen. Or maybe a moisturizing cream. That's what happens when you spend too much time out in the sun..."

He reached out, and poked at the mud statue. It crumbled.

Rick drew back in shock. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!—"

And then, the desert world crumbled under his feet, and he fell away, screaming yet again. "AAUGH! AGAIN WITH THE FALLING!"

* * *

><p>Rick sat up. He knew by now that the falling didn't hurt him, but he screamed at the horror of his latest surroundings anyway.<p>

He had found himself in a small office cubicle. Disorganized papers filled with incomprehensible marketing terms in illegible handwriting were strewn across a desk. An obsolete computer sat in the middle of the desk. Poorly drawn cartoons depicting stale office humor were thumb-tacked to the cubicle walls.

And a wheeled office chair sat in the middle of the cubicle, and a huge tangled mess of cables and wires sat in the chair, and it was calling his name. "Rick! You took your own sweet time getting here! Get me out of this, wouldja?"

Rick stood up from the floor, and noticed that the tangled mess had a familiar head sticking out of the top of it. "Mara? Oh, MARA! Am I glad to see you!"

"Yeah?" Mara glared at him. "Well, you didn't have to stare at the chick in the bikini for so long before you rejected her."

"Aw, give me a break," Rick sighed, as he reached for the wires. "It **was** Peri, after all— EEYOWTCH!"

He staggered back. "Those wires are live! How am I gonna—"

He fell back against a cubicle wall, and it collapsed. The other walls of Mara's cubicle fell outwards, and then, the cubicles all around them also collapsed, falling over like dominoes.

Rick panicked, and he tried to pull the closest cubicle walls up from the floor. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!—"

Beams of light erupted all around Mara's chair. Rick was thrown back onto one cubicle wall as the floor of the office space bore Mara up.

"Aw, nuts," Mara said, as she was carried away from her would-be rescuer.

And then, the office collapsed, folded in on itself in some mind- bending manner, and disappeared. Rick found himself floating in deep black space, still crouching on the cubicle wall, as Mara came to a stop many meters above him.

"Man," he said out loud to himself. "You push over one cubicle wall, and **this** happens. They sure don't build buildings like they used to."

A long wide stairway, made of glass, appeared between Rick and Mara. It glimmered with reflected starlight.

"More of the same," Rick said to himself. "That doesn't look strong enough to hold up a cat. Why didn't they use concrete—"

A mysterious figure appeared, larger than life, like an astral projection. It was the image of a vaguely ominous man, dressed in strange red clothes. He looked down upon Rick, and Mara, with a malevolent smile. And he held a strange object.

_That's the biggest spoon I've ever seen_, Rick thought.

He stammered. "What am I supposed to—? What—? Who **are** you?"

"Think of me as her manager," the man said. "The middle manager of her worst nightmare. And a part-time video store manager."

"I see," Rick said. "So you're the one who did this to her. And those 'Doctor Who' girls, too. You pretended to be them, just to mess with me. And... **you're** the one who separates the movies by category! Don't you know how **annoying** that is! Why don't you just arrange **all** the videos alphabetically by title—"

"ENOUGH! You have seen through my earlier deceptions, and you have intruded further into my domain than any human before you. But now, you must face your final test. You must climb to Mara, or lose her forever!"

Rick gulped. "Climb? Oh boy..."

"At last," Phil smirked. "Do you see how fragile she is? This love..."

Mara gulped. "Love? Oh boy..."

Rick gathered up all his courage, and shouted. "It **wouldn't** be fragile, if it wasn't for **you**!... I'm coming, Mara! Don't worry!"

Rick went to the edge of the cubicle wall, and raised his foot to take the first step. He set his foot on the fragile glass steps, and put the tiniest part of his weight on his outstretched leg.

The entire glass staircase immediately shattered and fell away.

Rick gasped, pulled his leg back, and fell back on the cubicle wall, rather than risk losing his balance. "Aw, **man**," he groaned. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I am doing nothing to you. The pain is completely your own."

Rick glared at the astral projection. "What?"

"The fragility. The pain. Your love has created them both."

"So that's it! What you're saying is, I'm overweight? I know that! You don't have to rub it in!"

The astral projection hung its disembodied head. "No, you idiot! I'm not saying that at **all**! 'Love equals pain'! **That's** what I'm saying!"

"I know that too!" Rick shouted back. "It **is** Mara, after all!"

He stood up again. He breathed out heavily and composed himself. Then he walked to the edge of the cubicle wall. But he didn't look down. He looked up at Mara, and smiled, and called to her.

"It's time to make a leap of faith, Mara. It's time to take that first step... even though it is a 'lulu'. I'm coming, Mara. Don't worry, okay?"

He strode forwards, walked over the cubicle wall's edge, and fell away like a rock.

Mara gasped. She hung her head, cursing herself for caring.

"MWAH HA HA HA!" said Phil. "MWAH HA HA HA HA HA! MWAH HA HA HA! MWAH HA HA— eh?"

A glimmer of starlight shone from the depths below Phil and Mara.

The reflected light grew, to reveal a square shape zooming back up towards Phil and Mara at an incredible speed.

A Great Glass Elevator came to a smooth stop, level with Mara's office floor. It made a pleasant 'ding' sound as its doors opened. Rick stepped out of the glass elevator, bowing. "Locks, socks and bedroom clocks. Watch your step, please."

Mara smiled a big silly grin, and, despite herself, a single tear ran down her cheek. "RICK!"

Her tear fell on the wires that bound her, and shorted them out. They all fell away, and she jumped up from the chair. "How!—"

Rick explained himself. "Well, I finally caught on after I'd fallen the first two or three times. The rules don't apply here, wherever this is. And I don't like breaking the rules, but I finally learned that sometimes you have to make your own rules. And after I broke those glass steps... I took the pieces, and made my own path."

"You're insane!" Phil noted, with remarkable accuracy. "All this effort for a mere girlfriend contract. Why do you bother?"

"What can I say?" Rick said. "I've started falling for her..."

He cut himself off, as everything around him and Mara vanished, into a blizzard of static, like an enormous TV screen. "MARA! What's happening!"

Mara grabbed him. "It's the Ultimate Force! Phil's contract is void now! The Ultimate Force will tear this place apart! We've gotta get out of here! Let me hold you, and I'll—"

Then she grimaced. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! PINS AND NEEDLES! PINS AND NEEDLES! I **told** Phil he cut off the circulation in my arms!— AW, NUTS!"

Rick fell from her numb arms, and then Mara fell after him.

But Rick smiled to himself, even as he fell through nothingness, and as Mara fell, above him, screaming herself silly.

It's true, he thought. What does come with a guarantee? For me, though, if only just for now, or even just a minute... I've got Mara, and—

* * *

><p>Mara walked up to the huge clock, and pushed its pendulum, and started it up again.<p>

She turned and looked at the reader. "What! It was stopped!"

* * *

><p>Rick gasped, and sat up in his bed, and stared into the darkness.<p>

He looked across his room in the residence hall, and saw Mara in the other bed, also sitting up, with a startled expression.

She turned to him. "Rick? Are you alright?"

He slumped back. "Yeah. Sorry. I just had a bad dream. You know, the kind where you keep falling and falling, and you wake up just before you—"

He gasped again, as Mara sat on his bed, beside him. "Wha— what are you doing?"

"My job," Mara said, as she embraced him. "I'm the girlfriend now, remember? Besides, I just had a bad... experience, too... I would never have admitted this, only a week ago, but... I want some comfort, too."

She snuggled up beside him. "Three things. One. If I feel your hands on anything besides my back or waist? I'll spend this weekend finding new and exciting ways to hurt you."

Rick gulped. "Duly noted."

"Two." Mara searched for Rick's hand, and held it. She pulled a goddess bracelet from his wrist, and slipped it back on her own. "That wasn't a dream. It was real— or whatever passes for real, around here.

"And three..."

She squeezed his hand. "Thanks."


	9. I'm Bugged part 1

Rick slouched on his bed, not really reading a book, while Mara sprawled on her bed, not really watching television.

It was another Friday evening, and Rick couldn't have been expected to concentrate on his course work. But he wasn't exactly just thinking about how to spend the weekend.

He had more important matters on his mind. He was preoccupied with one of the great mysteries of the universe, an existential quandary that had perplexed men since Adam first met Eve.

_I wonder if Mara and I should be, like, making out, or something_, Rick thought.

_I mean, it's been a month now. Well, almost. Tomorrow will be four weeks. And I think she's dropping hints._

_For one thing, she hasn't screamed in terror, the first thing in the morning, for a couple of weeks now._

_And I haven't been struck by lightning for almost that long. I haven't been sucked into the television, or fallen through extra- dimensional voids, or anything, for quite a while now._

_And still, at the same time... she's been kinda moody lately. Well, even more moody. I wish I knew how much of it was Mara's natural personality, and how much of it was the transformation, and the girlfriend contract, and how much of it was... is... me._

Rick sighed. _I sure wish I knew what she was thinking now, he thought. I wish I knew what was on that 10-dimensional Yggdrasil goddess mind of hers..._

_Well_, Rick thought, _she's probably thinking about things that a mere mortal couldn't begin to comprehend. Yggdrasil goddesses must ponder the secrets of the universe, and stuff like that. She wouldn't be thinking about anything silly, like me._

* * *

><p><em>I wonder if Rick and I should be, like, making out, or something<em>, Mara thought.

_Yeesh. I wish these girlfriend contracts came with step-by-step instruction manuals, or an educational video, or something._

_I just don't want to foul __**this**__ one up. I should be grateful. I've got a second career now, and a fresh start. I don't want to foul up my very first assignment as a Yggdrasil goddess._

_And he __**is**__ a nice guy, in a nerdy college grad student kind of way. I've got to admit, I could have something special, here. I don't want to foul it up._

_Mara sighed. I sure wish I knew what he was thinking now, she thought. I wish I knew what was on that nerdy little college grad student mind of his..._

_Well, of course. He's a __**guy**__. I have to __**ask**__. I __**am**__ the girlfriend. This is part of my job, isn't it?_

_Oh boy. I never thought I'd hear myself say this..._

"Rick?" asked Mara, without moving from her bed. "Are you busy?"

Rick looked up from his book. "Uh, well, um, that is, I, uh—"

"Good. I'm going to ask you a question, Rick. And I know you're a sensitive kind of guy, but— you **are** a **guy**. And I know that this question terrifies men. So, try not to freak out, okay?"

Rick gulped. "Uh, okay..."

Mara sighed again. "I never thought I'd hear myself say this...

"Rick? Can we talk about our relationship?"

"AAUGH!" said Rick.

Mara sighed yet again, and turned in her bed. "Aw, c'mon..." She trailed off, as she saw the real reason for Rick's scream.

Rick had fallen back on his bed, flat on his back, dropping his book, clutching at the sides of his bed in terror, at the thing that had suddenly appeared in his lap.

It was about the size of a cat, and it was covered in short white fur. But it had long ears, bulging cartoon eyes, and buck teeth, like a rabbit. And it had eight legs.

"Guh— nuh— uh—" Rick said. The thing crawled up his stomach, and rubbed its face against his chest, like a friendly kitten.

Mara raised an eyebrow. "What in Nifelheim is **that**?"

Rick turned to Mara, in sheer panic. "What! I was kinda hoping **you** could tell **me**!"

Mara got up, and went to the side of Rick's bed, and leaned in to take a closer look. "Looks harmless enough. Why, it's acting like a friendly kitten. That is, unless it's lulling you into a false sense of security, so that it can take you by surprise when it plunges its long razor-sharp teeth deep into your—"

Rick glared at her. "Not helpful!"

Mara stood up, and rubbed her chin. "There aren't any nuclear reactors near here, so it's probably not some horrific mutation. Maybe it's extra-terrestrial."

She walked around Rick's bed, and reached for the phone. "Well, **I'm** stumped. Guess I'd better call it in."

Rick gulped. "Do you have to? Pets aren't allowed in this hall."

"**No**, Rick," sighed Mara. "I'm calling in to Yggdrasil. Uh, better cover your ears. This'll be in Yggdrasil code-speech."

As Mara raised the receiver to her ear, and dialed a very long number at superhuman speed, Rick put his fingers to his ears.

Mara stood still, holding the receiver, drumming the fingers of her free hand against her other arm, waiting to be connected. Then, she suddenly began making horrible screeching noises into the phone.

Rick sighed. _Well_, he thought, _a horrific yet cute critter is rubbing its face against my chest, like a friendly kitten. And my Yggdrasil goddess girlfriend is making horrible screeching noises into the phone, like a cross between a modem and a whale with a sore throat._

_Nope_, he thought. _Not weird enough yet. It's gonna get worse._

Mara hung up the phone, and at the same time, the air above her bed began to glow. Two strange objects materialized in her bed. They were a pair of light safety glasses and a long red hammer.

Mara spoke as she went to her bed. "Sorry. This is my fault, sort of."

Rick sighed again. "Not surprising."

Mara put the glasses on, and picked up the hammer. "This is a Yggdrasil bug. Mostly harmless. But we've gotta, uh, debug it, before it multiplies."

Rick gulped again. "What are you going to do with that hammer?"

Mara rolled her eyes. "Why, I'm going to build it a doghouse... What do you **think**! I'm gonna whack it!"

Rick looked down at the bug. It made big sad shiny eyes at him, like a puppy, or a baby seal. "But... Do you **have** to?..."

Mara hung her head. "You were just screaming in terror at it, a couple of minutes ago... Look. Just think of this as a video game. It's quick and painless, and there won't even be a sad little body to dispose of afterwards."

Before either Rick or the bug could react, Mara swung the hammer down and debugged the bug. It went even more cross-eyed, rapidly deflated like a balloon, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Mara tossed the hammer on her bed, turned back, and grinned. "See? Quick and painless."

Rick didn't reply. He had gone slightly cross-eyed, and slightly deflated, himself. He gasped for breath, and brushed tears from his eyes.

Mara grimaced. "Oops. Sorry again. Quick, but not painless. I should have knocked it off you first, huh?"

Rick beckoned to Mara. He was desperately trying to form words.

Mara leaned over him again, with a worried expression. "What? Did I seriously hurt you? What is it?"

"I juh— just nuh— noticed," Rick rasped. "Yuh— you're really cuh— cute with guh— glasses."

Mara whipped the glasses off, rubbed her temples and groaned. "Ngh... I never **asked** for **any** of this... And yet, I get **more** of it...

"Look, just forget I asked about the R-word, okay? I was never into all of that touchy-feely crap, anyway. Let's just skip it, and, like, make out, or something."

Before Rick could sit up, or otherwise react, again, Mara threw herself on top of him. She quickly put her hands in places that a girlfriend generally shouldn't put her hands, even after almost four weeks of co-habitation.

But then, before Mara actually commenced with the making out, she froze. They both heard a squeaky toy sound from in-between them.

Mara sat up from Rick, and pulled another bug up by the nape of its neck. "Eww. Eww, eww, eww. Oh well, I guess we should be grateful that it didn't materialize inside our clothes."

Rick stammered. "Muh— Mara? Yuh— you spoke too suh— soon. Thuh— there's a Yuh— Yggdrasil buh— bug in my puh— pants."

Mara grinned. "That's the worst come-on line I've ever heard."

Rick sighed. "Just let me get it out of there, before you whack me **there** with the hammer."

* * *

><p>Rick and Mara had pulled the two beds closer together, away from the walls of the small room. They sat on the edges of the beds, directly across from each other, and said the very least romantic words they could think of.<p>

"Rutabaga," said Rick.

Silence.

"Road kill," said Mara.

Silence.

"Republican," said Rick.

Silence.

"Relationship," said Mara.

*_pouf_*! *_pouf_*! *_pouf_*! *_pouf_*! *_pouf_*!

"Ack eep," said Rick, as five bugs crawled all over him.

Mara whistled. "Yow. Five, this time... Well, I think we can call this test conclusive. If we try to discuss our reh— our R- word... or if we try to, uh, consummate it— or just make out a little... Instant bugs."

Rick made sad whimpering noises, as the bugs continued to crawl all over him. "But why are they only crawling on **me**?"

"Dunno," Mara said. "I've got a good head for mad science, but this is out of my league. I don't know enough about Yggdrasil yet even to make an educated guess.

"And my goddess license is still probationary. I don't have, uh, administrative rights. All I can do is whack 'em after they're created. And if this keeps up, there'll be too many to whack."

Mara stood, pushed back her bed, put on her attractive safety glasses, and took up her hammer. "Wanna shake 'em off for me? The one is a little too close to your head for **my** comfort."

Rick pulled the bugs off, one by one, and spoke as Mara whacked each one in turn. "So what are we going to do now? You know I have a gift for saying, and doing, the wrong things. Why, if I **didn't**, none of this would have ever happened at **all**."

"Don't remind me." Mara whacked the last bug, and sighed. "I've already used up all my personal support line time for this month. And this is out of their league, too, anyway. They've just got a bunch of kids working the phones now, what with Yggdrasil being so under-staffed.

"I guess we'll have to call in the professionals—"

Mara suddenly hung her head and groaned. "Oh no."

"What is it?" Rick asked with concern. "Are they really expensive? Is it hard to get an appointment with them?"

Mara fell back and sat heavily on her bed, and held her face in her hands. "Oh, no. They'll be **glad** to come. Right away. And pro bono."

Rick gulped. "Are they demons? Or something worse?"

Mara whimpered. "No... well, maybe they **are** something worse. They're childhood friends of mine."

Rick grimaced. "Oh, Mara. I'm **sorry**. They haven't?..."

"Yup. You got it," Mara said, in a sad little girl's voice. "They haven't seen me since your first wish."

She stood back up. "I've been dreading this... but I guess it had to happen eventually. Just when you think the humiliation might be over for a little while..."

She went to the phone, and picked up the receiver. Then she looked at Rick with one eyebrow raised. "What are you doing?"

Rick had stuck his fingers in his ears. "Uh, aren't you going to start screeching again?"

Mara smiled wryly. "Oh, I might, before this is over. But no, I'm not calling Yggdrasil. They're on the mortal plane too."

She spoke into the phone. "Operator? Get me Nekomi, Japan."


	10. I'm Bugged part 2

The next evening, Rick and Mara stood before the dresser mirror, awaiting their visitors' arrival.

Rick glanced at Mara, and smiled. "I haven't seen you wear the goddess outfit for awhile."

Mara sighed. "Yeah, well, it seemed the thing to do, what with me being **polite** and all, now, and my having asked them here."

Rick glanced at his closet. "Should I have worn a coat and tie?"

"Nah, don't— well, it's too late, anyway. Here they come."

Rick looked back to the mirror, and he saw it ripple with light, as if it was water under a skipping stone. Then a woman emerged from the ripples, and leaned "through" the mirror, into the room.

Her hair was straighter and darker than Mara's, and her face was more... naturally... angelic. And she didn't have fangs. Otherwise, she looked very much like Mara. Mara's heavenly robes and face tattoos were almost identical to hers, Rick thought.

The woman saw Rick first, and she smiled, and spoke to him. Her voice was light and musical, a delight to the ears of a mortal.

But he didn't understand a word of what she said.

"_konnichi wa. gomen kudasai_."

Rick blinked. "Huh?"

Mara sighed, and answered the woman. "_ano... koko wa beikoku da. koko ni nihongo o hanasanai_."

The woman in the mirror smiled sheepishly. "_aa, mochiron desu. aa, shitsurei shimasu_..."

The woman shook her head, as if to clear it, and she spoke again. "Is this better? I'm sorry, I was so eager to come see you both, I forgot myself."

The woman fully emerged from the mirror, then turned to help someone else come through behind her. It was a slight young Japanese man, about Rick's age, or a year or two older. Unlike the woman, he was dressed just like a college student, wearing a light jacket over a sweater, jeans and large tennis shoes. He was carrying a small lunch-box thermos.

As soon as he had also fully emerged, the woman put a hand in the middle of his forehead, and mumbled something under her breath.

The man rolled his eyes up to her fingers. "Eh?"

The woman took her hand away, and smiled again. "I've performed a translation casting for you. It will terminate automatically when we go back through this mirror."

The man also smiled. "Thanks, Bell... Whoah. This is weird. I'm thinking in Japanese... but talking in... English?..."

Then the woman turned to Rick. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the goddess Belldandy."

She offered Rick an oversized business card, with both hands. He took it with a nervous smile. "Uh, thanks."

"And this is..." Belldandy had begun to introduce the man, but she trailed off. She had turned to Mara, and got a first good look at her.

Belldandy gasped, and clapped both hands to her mouth. Her eyes widened, and went all shiny.

Mara grimaced, and tensed. "Oh boy. Here we go..."

Belldandy suddenly flew to Mara, arms outstretched, smiling wide, as sweet tears of pure joy began to flow down her cheeks.

She embraced Mara, laughing and crying all at once. "OH, MARA! Just LOOK at you! You're so BEAUTIFUL! I'm so HAPPY for you!"

Mara raised her arms hesitantly, and patted Belldandy's shoulder. "Uh... yeah... nice to see you too, Bell. Thanks for coming..."

Belldandy was crying so loudly that she had difficulty speaking. "And— we don't have— to fight— any more!— We can— all be— friends!— And—"

Mara grimaced again. "C'mon, Belldandy. I'm still not entirely adjusted to being a goddess, you know. I'm just not emotionally equipped to deal with... this kind of..."

Belldandy clung to Mara tighter, and sobbed into her shoulder.

Mara sniffled and bit her lip. "Belldandy... **Please**..."

She suddenly wailed. She hung her head and began to cry loudly into Belldandy's shoulder, in turn.

Rick and the other man watched the goddesses embrace each other, and cry into each other's shoulders, for a long awkward moment.

Then Rick turned to the man, and held out a hand. "Rick Anthony. How's it goin'?"

The man shook his hand. "Keiichi Morisato. Pleased to meetcha."

They both turned back to the two goddesses, and watched them cry for awhile longer.

"So..." Rick finally said. "Is Belldandy always..."

Keiichi sighed. "Nah. Sometimes, she gets **really** emotional."

Rick glanced back at the mirror. "Mara said there would be four of you?"

"Oh! Right! Thanks." Keiichi held up the thermos. "They'll be wondering what's holding things up. Excuse me."

As Belldandy and Mara finally parted, and began to compose themselves, Keiichi opened the thermos, and set it on the floor.

"Oh, I remember," Rick said. "Not all goddesses use mirrors."

"Right," Keiichi said, as the thermos roiled and shook. "I need to turn on your television. Oh, and if you have a camera lying around, let's put it away, just to be safe."

A pre-teen girl with long black hair suddenly appeared above the thermos. Her goddess clothing was adorned with colorful ribbons, white lace, and her own long red hammer.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then she saw Mara, and gasped. "EEEEEEEE! KOWAIIII!"

Keiichi was walking round to Rick's television, but the girl almost knocked him over as she dashed to Belldandy's side.

Belldandy sniffled, but held an arm around the girl and gently admonished her. "Now, Skuld. Be polite. Mara is our friend, now... And our co-worker."

Skuld clung to her. "But— Belldandy! You've been crying! She must have scared you too!"

Keiichi turned the television on. "C'mon, Skuld. ***I*** wasn't..."

He trailed off, as two impossibly long legs began to emerge from the television screen.

Mara turned to Rick, and saw him staring at the television, with the same distant expression as Keiichi. She sighed again, and spoke out loud to herself. "Well, Urd, you always knew how to make an entrance to get their attention."

A tall dark platinum blond super-model pulled herself out of the television. She crouched in front of the screen, pulling her short cape down around her shoulders.

Then she stood, with a dramatic flourish, and smiled like a girl about to open a birthday present. "Alright. Where is she? Oh, I can't **wait** to see—"

Urd turned, and saw Mara.

Urd froze.

Her eyes widened.

She put a hand to her mouth.

Her eyes widened further, and the corners of her mouth turned up.

She bared her teeth in a manic grin, and brought her other hand to her mouth, covering her mouth with both hands.

She began to make strange guttural noises. "Mmmph. Mmmgh. Ngh! Mmmph! MMMGH! MMMPH! NGH!"

Then she began to tremble with the effort to restrain herself.

And then, Urd fell to her knees, beat the floor with her fists, and cut loose. Tears of mirth poured down her contorted face. "BWAH HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA!"

Mara sighed. "C'mon, Urd. Remember to breathe."

Rick turned to Keiichi. "Well, at least she remembered to speak English. Although, I think I could have understood **this**."

Urd struggled to her feet, still shaking with after-laughs. "Aw, Mara *_snicker_* you know *_snort giggle_* you'd do exactly *_snicker_* the same thing *_giggle snort_*"

She went to Mara and hugged her. "And I'm happy for you, dear. I really am—"

Then she stood back, with another big silly grin, and stared at Mara again. "Why, Mara! You've gained weight!"

Mara hung her head, and seemed dangerously close to tears again. "**Ouch**! Kick a goddess when she's down, why don't you!—"

Belldandy still held Skuld with one arm, but she reached out and consoled Mara with her other arm. "I noticed it too, Mara, but it can't be more than one or two kilograms. And it suits you. You look... healthier. Happier. You know the Ultimate Force wouldn't have let you gain weight if it wasn't for the best."

Then Urd gave Mara another friendly hug. "Yeah, c'mon, Mara. It looks good on you. You've gone from emaciated to merely skinny."

And then, Urd stood back again. "Where's the chunk of stunning masculinity that's responsible for this wondrous transformation?"

Keiichi nudged Rick with an elbow. "I think she means you."

"Huh? Oh." Rick stepped forwards. "Hello. I'm—"

Urd took one look at Rick, and fell to the floor again, not even trying to hold it back this time. "BWAH HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA!"

Rick pulled a face. "She has a way with people, doesn't she."

Keiichi grinned. "Oh, you have **no** idea."

Belldandy moved away from Mara and Skuld, and came to Rick's side to reassure him. "Please don't take offense. It's not the size of the body that counts— it's the size of the heart. And Mara is bringing out the best in **you**. You've **lost** some weight, haven't you?"

Rick grinned. "Oh, a little, I guess. Trying to keep up with a Yggdrasil goddess will do that to you."

Mara looked up at Belldandy. "Eh? How would **you** know that, Belldandy?"

Urd nudged Mara with an elbow. "What's the matter? Jealous?"

Mara growled. "Don't **push** it, Urd."

Belldandy smiled sweetly. "He was on my case schedule, Mara. You know that. And I took the liberty of running an updated status report on him before we came. It might be of use to us."

She reached into her robes, produced a massive sheath of papers held together with an alligator clip, and handed it to Mara.

Mara whistled as she flipped through the first few pages of the report. "I've got to hand it to you, Belldandy. Always the consummate professional. If I ever get administrative rights, you've got to show me how to run one of these."

Rick watched Mara read all about him. "Uh... what, exactly, is in that report?"

Belldandy replied, still smiling a sweet Belldandy smile. "Oh, **everything**."

Rick gulped heavily. "**Everything**?"

"Of course," Belldandy said. "But don't worry. We have strict confidentiality rules in place. And I can personally assure you, there's nothing there that a young man with a rich and varied fantasy life, to the point of social awkwardness, should be ashamed of...

"Although..." Belldandy took the report back from Mara, searched for a page in the middle, and pointed something out to Rick. "You might consider doing **that** less often."

Rick gulped heavily again. "You ran a color bar graph on that! Aw, **man**..."

Mara grinned. "You should see the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photos, with the circles and the arrows—"

Rick put a hand over his eyes. "I don't have to. I was there. Remember?"

Skuld cleared her throat. "Can we please get started now!"

Everyone turned to her, to see her holding a thing that vaguely resembled a metal detector. She had produced several strange machines, out of nowhere, and set them on the floor around her. "I'm ready to take a reading."

Belldandy turned to Mara again. "Would you be a dear, and—"

"In front of everyone?" Mara sighed. "Yeah, alright."

She grabbed Rick by the collar and dragged him in front of Skuld's detector. Then she leaned in, and whispered a sweet nothing in his ear.

Rick was suddenly covered with bugs. "Give a guy some warning, would you!"

Mara started whacking the bugs again. "There's gotta be at least a dozen this time. Did you get what you needed, kid?"

"Yup." Skuld set her detector down, and ran a lead to one of the other machines. "I still have to set some of this up, and open a link to Yggdrasil. Can I use your computer?"

"Uh, sure," Rick said. "But it's only a Tandy 1000. Why—"

"We only need a dumb terminal," Belldandy explained.

Skuld sighed as she switched the computer on. "With an emphasis on **dumb**."

Urd turned to Rick and Keiichi. "This'll take a little while to set up. Why don't you boys run along, and let us women work?"

Rick pondered this, with an unreadable expression on his face. "Well. If **that** isn't a perfect turn-around of a misogynistic line."

"Don't worry," Keiichi said. You get used to it."


	11. I'm Bugged part 3

Rick and Keiichi had gone to the ground floor of the residence hall. Rick had bought sodas for them both, and then they had taken seats in an open lounge area near the elevators. They had begun to compare notes.

"Phone call," Keiichi said. "How about you?"

"Compact disc," Rick said. "Uh, it's none of my business, but... If you only contracted with Belldandy, why did the other two goddesses come to you too?"

Keiichi explained. "They're her sisters. Well, Urd is her half-sister. Urd came for a visit, and got stuck on the mortal plane. Then Skuld came to help with some bugs, but she was also lonely, and she stayed here too."

"Huh," said Rick. "Not that I'm complaining, but... that doesn't seem quite fair. I only got one."

"I wouldn't ever want to lose any of them, for anything," Keiichi said. "They're like family to me now. But ask yourself this—would you **really** want three of them?"

Rick gulped. "Point taken."

"Anyway, I'll bet the one you've got is all that you can handle," Keiichi said. "Just between us?... I'd sure like to thank you for what you've done. Things have been a lot quieter for us, since you took Mara out of circulation... so to speak."

Rick smiled. "It's hard to believe, she was your enemy, the way they greeted each other just now. What did she do to you?"

"She turned me into a lizard," Keiichi said, counting on his fingers, "and she turned my sister into a car... oh, and she helped nearly to destroy the entire universe, once or twice."

Rick gulped again. "The lightning bolts don't seem so bad, now."

Keiichi turned and glanced at the elevators. "Whoops. Speak of the ex-devil..."

Rick also turned, to see Mara lead the other three goddesses from an elevator. She was wearing her long pink coat and white scarf, and the other goddesses had also changed their clothing into less conspicuous coats and jackets. Mara had brought Rick's coat, and Belldandy had produced a heavy overcoat for Keiichi.

"Everything's fine," Belldandy said, as they all met. "The tests will take an hour or two to run. Um, Mara said you hadn't eaten dinner yet? Oh dear. It's almost eight o'clock. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, no need to apologize," Mara said. "Nekomi is, what, fifteen hours ahead of here? It's almost lunch time for you."

She turned to Rick. "Mind driving us all to a restaurant? It's dark now, and it's a bit cold to walk. And they just came from Japan, and they're not used to early spring in central Illinois."

Rick frowned. "All six of us? I've got a large old car, but it'll still be a tight fit."

Urd winked. "Aw, what are you worried about? Two guys stuffed in a car with four gorgeous goddesses? Sounds like fun to me. Too bad we're wearing these heavy clothes..."

Skuld rolled her eyes, stuck a finger in her mouth, and made a choking sound, as if she were about to be sick. Keiichi and Mara scowled at Urd. Even Belldandy raised an eyebrow in annoyance. And Rick was simply embarrassed.

Urd sighed. "**Man**, you people are uptight."

* * *

><p>Rick had driven them all to a fast food restaurant, since all the others hadn't given him any other suggestions on where to go.<p>

Mara walked from the counter to a table off to one side. Urd followed her. The others were already seated at the table.

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen," Urd said, grinning. "A few weeks ago, you were trying to chase us off the mortal plane... and now you're buying us lunch."

"Disgusting, ain't it?" Mara said. "I swear, I don't know which way is up, any more..."

Rick glanced up as they both came to the table. "I wish you had let me pay—"

"Don't **worry** about it," Mara said. "They wouldn't have come, if it weren't for me. And I can handle it. I've gotten a couple paychecks from the video store now, and my breakfast drinks are my only regular expenses."

Rick sighed. "I still can't believe you're still working at that video store, after what happened—"

"What are you complaining about?" Mara said. "I got promoted to manager-in-training, after Phil resigned from the mortal plane. And you've got a life-time free rental membership at that chain of stores, in lieu of punitive damages for pain and suffering."

Urd smiled slyly. "Video store manager, eh? You got a nice big adults-only section at your location?"

Mara rolled her eyes. "Don't get your hopes up. This is central Illinois... In fact, you'd better watch your step around here. People get arrested for indecent exposure for wearing the clothes that you wear in public in Japan."

"You're one to talk," Urd said, still smiling slyly. "Say, what happened to your leather straps and spandex? Why, with that pink coat and white scarf, you look just like the second Romana in 'Destiny Of The Daleks'."

Mara closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Ngh..."

While Urd and Mara talked, Rick had turned to Keiichi and Belldandy. "Uh, it's none of my business, but... does she usually eat that much ice cream? And nothing else? That looks awfully unhealthy, even for a fast food meal."

Skuld pulled her tray of ice cream closer to her, scowled at Rick and growled, as if she were a junkyard dog, and he had tried to take her food dish away from her.

Belldandy smiled sweetly at everyone. "Now, Skuld, he only asked a question... We Yggdrasil goddesses don't actually have to eat. But ice cream is Skuld's favorite. And it's also her alternative energy source."

Rick brightened. "Oh... like Mara's drinking hard liquor, first thing in the morning? She always seems to have more energy after she does that."

Belldandy frowned. "That sounds more like a trait borrowed from Urd... but, yes... something like that."

Rick continued. "And Mara started traveling through mirrors, after she changed. That must have been borrowed from you, Belldandy... right?..."

Belldandy and Urd both turned to Mara in surprise. "Why, Mara!" said Urd. "I didn't know you'd changed mediums. And— mirrors! Just like Belldandy! Isn't that just the **cutest** thing **ever**!"

Mara held her face in her hands and whimpered. "When does the hurting stop?... Just for the record, I can still use CDs too."

Rick was still intrigued by his previous train of thought. "So, what trait did Mara copy from Skuld?"

Everyone turned to Skuld again. She had just put a big spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. She scowled at everyone, and growled again, with the spoon still in her mouth.

"I'd guess, Skuld's cheerful disposition and good manners," Urd said, "if it weren't for the fact that Mara was always like that. Of course, Mara always liked to drink heavily, too..."

"I thought you were all old friends, and family," Rick said. "Are your dinner conversations always this full of insults and sarcasm?"

Keiichi grinned. "If this were back home, at the temple, we'd have moved on to lightning bolts and Skuld-bombs by now."

"Oh well," Rick said. "Let's eat." He raised a few french fries to his mouth. But then, Belldandy suddenly reached out and held a hand over the fries.

She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. We haven't run a scan on your food. And... Urd carried your food tray. Skuld? Would you be a dear?"

Skuld sighed, set down her spoon, reached into her impossibly deep pockets, and produced a small metallic wand with a digital readout screen set into its base.

She waved the wand over Rick's sandwich and fries, and nothing happened. But when she brought it near his soda, it began to click loudly, like a Geiger counter.

"Potion detected," Skuld announced, as she walked round the table to Urd. "C'mon, Urd. You know the drill..."

Urd sighed, but grinned. She stood up from the table, shuffled her feet to spread them wide, and leaned on the table with both arms. She leaned towards Keiichi, and Rick, to give the two of them the full benefit of her low-cut blouse, and they both promptly turned red.

"Honestly," Urd said, still grinning, as Skuld brought the wand over her arms and legs. "This isn't any fun at **all**. Why can't you hire some nice big strong man with a uniform and a badge? Someone properly trained to do long slow full-body searches..."

The wand began to click again. "Got it," Skuld said. She put the wand away, fingered a hidden pocket in Urd's blouse, and pulled out a tiny glass vial that was half-full of a brilliant pink liquid.

Mara put a hand over her eyes. "The other half of that was for me, wasn't it? Urd! Can't you ever give it a rest!"

Belldandy explained to Rick. "I'm so sorry. My sister dabbles in love potions. I'm afraid that they often have unpredictable results. If you fell under their influence, there's no telling what might happen to you. You'd better throw that soda out and get another one yourself."

Rick gulped again. "Urd? Like, 'Just Say No'."

* * *

><p>Rick and Mara had returned to Rick's room. The others followed them into the room, and they all let Skuld past them, so that she could sit at Rick's computer. Belldandy and Urd stood behind her and looked over her shoulders at the monitor.<p>

Skuld typed at superhuman speed. "Analysis complete. Downloading program trace from Yggdrasil. Here it comes...

"Uh oh."

Mara tried to get a look at the screen from behind Belldandy and Urd. "Huh? What do you mean, 'uh oh'?"

Urd looked closer at the screen. "Aw, relax, Mara. It's only— Oh. Uh oh."

"What!" Mara said. "What is it!"

Belldandy put one finger to her mouth, in thought, as she stood back, away from the monitor. "Please don't worry, Mara. It's not serious. In fact, the solution to your bug problem is incredibly simple. As it turns out, we didn't even need to perform most of these tests. It's just..."

"WHAT!" Mara yelled.

"Well... you're not going to like it," Belldandy said quietly.

"I'm **used** to that!" Mara snarled. "I haven't liked **anything** that's happened to me, my whole life in general, and this past month in particular! So just tell me what it is! It can't be **that** bad!"

Belldandy frowned. "Well..."

Mara held her arms up, clenched her teeth, and looked as if she were about to jump in six different ways, all at once.

Belldandy grimaced. "You're **really** not going to like it."

"AAUGH!" said Mara.

Rick cleared his throat. "Uh, could I ask a question? Why are the bugs attracted to me? They ignore Mara, but they crawl all over me, like kittens."

"That's simple, too," Belldandy said. "You're a graduate student in computer science. And you're a good student... but everyone makes mistakes as they learn. You've created many bugs on your own. And so..."

Rick grinned. "I get it! They think I'm their daddy!"

Belldandy smiled sheepishly. "Something like that, yes."

Then she turned to Skuld. "But there's something about the bugs that ***I*** don't understand. When **we** had bugs, we also had wild side-effects. Astro-physical anomalies, and dimensional portals, and Keiichi finding himself in Urd's bath..."

Rick glanced back at Keiichi. Keiichi made a face, as if to say, _Don't ask._

Skuld was deep in thought. "These aren't the same kind of bugs that we had... Even though their physical manifestation is identical... But yes, there should have been **something**..."

Urd grinned. "Aw, come on! That's an easy one! Of course, the bugs have weird side effects. But the signal-to-noise ratio was far too low for them to be noticeable."

"Huh?" said Belldandy, Skuld, and Rick, in perfect unison.

"**Think**," Urd said. "The bugs were in close proximity to something so amazingly weird that their weirdness was overwhelmed."

"But..." Skuld said. "But... that's inconceivable! What could **possibly** be **that** weird?"

"She's standing right behind you," Urd said smugly. "Why, her transformation was one of the most unbelievable, improbable, and amazingly weird events in the history of the known universe."

Everyone turned to stare at the goddess Mara.

Mara stared back at them, and blinked a few times. Then she hung her head and groaned. "Aw, **man**... I **hate** it when the universe mocks me..."


	12. I'm Bugged part 4

Rick finally broke the silence. "So... what's actually causing this to happen? And why now, after four weeks?"

Belldandy grimaced again. "It was your second wish, Rick. Don't worry, you didn't actually do anything wrong. But... it would have been helpful if you had been more clear. Your choice of words was, um, open to interpretation."

Rick was thoughtful. "Uh... I said something like, I wish life was like a movie, or a TV show, or a comic... Where you could just wish for a perfect girlfriend, and fall in love, and live happily ever after..."

Then he grimaced. "You know... that was a slip of the tongue, to be honest..."

Belldandy shook her head. "A Freudian slip, maybe. But it was an honest wish. The Ultimate Force wouldn't have granted it if it hadn't come from your heart."

"And I was the one who was caught in the cross-fire," Mara said impatiently. "We **know** that. What does that have to do with the bugs?"

"It was a heart-felt wish," Belldandy said, "but still, it wasn't clear that you had Mara in mind. In order to grant your wish, but still to allow for misinterpretation, and to minimize the consequences if it didn't work out...

"The Ultimate Force had to implement a thirty-day trial period."

"WHAT!" Mara yelled again. "Do you MEAN!— to TELL me!— that MY CONTRACT!— is **SHAREWARE**!"

Belldandy sighed. "I told you that you wouldn't like it."

"WHY didn't SOMEBODY TELL ME before **NOW**!" Mara demanded.

Urd shrugged. "Dunno. Bureaucracy, I guess. Yeah, with only a probationary license, there's no way that you could have known."

Rick guessed the rest. "And the trial period is about to expire, and the force of the contract is failing, and bugs manifest when the failing contract is referenced. So we've got two days left?"

Belldandy shook her head again. "No. It expires at midnight."

Rick glanced at his watch. "But... that's less than two hours from now! And it's only been twenty-eight days!"

Urd explained. "Mara must have set certain processes in motion when she first, uh, stole the case list. And it must have taken her about two days, Earth-time, to get around to you."

Rick felt for his wallet. "Well, let's hurry up and make the payment, before the trial period expires. I just hope we've got enough—"

Belldandy smiled. "You're on the right track, dear. But this contract can't be paid with money. It was made for the heart, and it has to be accepted with the heart."

Mara held her face in her hands. "Oh, **no**... You mean—"

"All you have to do," Belldandy said, "is to say, 'I love you'. But you both have to say it. And mean it."

Mara looked up. "But I tried to talk about our relationship, just yesterday! And then I tried to, uh—"

Belldandy shook her head yet again. "Neither of those will do. Love comes from the heart. You can't express it by talking about a relationship, or consummating it. You simply have to say it."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Urd said. "Do you mean to say, you've been living with him for four weeks, and you only just put the moves on him yesterday! Why, you've had affairs that were shorter—"

Mara hissed. "URD! Not in front of the client!"

Urd crossed her arms and smiled sweetly at Mara. "But the question remains. Why didn't you make **your** move sooner? The 'client' doesn't **have** to make the first move. And he's no Sean Connery, but he's not **that** bad."

Mara hung her head. "Because... I... *_mumble mumble_*..."

Belldandy frowned. "Pardon?"

Mara put a hand over her eyes. "Because I *_mumble mumble_*..."

Urd grinned, held an open hand behind one ear, and leaned in. "Sorry? Didn't quite catch that..."

Mara suddenly looked up and glared at them both. "Because I thought I could have something special, and I didn't want to foul it up! There! I said it! Are you happy now!"

Then she hung her head again. "But... Aw, nuts!... Rick... It looks like I've fouled up again. I can't expect you to... uh... eh?..."

Rick had walked up to Mara. He stood in front of her, and took up both of her hands, and held them in both of his hands.

"I love you, Mara," he said.

"!" said Mara.

Rick smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry I had to say it like this. Not very, uh, romantic, huh?

"I know it's only been four weeks. And I'm not asking you to marry me... but the contract is as good as marriage, I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing, or what I'm getting myself into. It might be better, that I don't know.

"But I know that I would miss you terribly if you weren't here. And I think I must be the luckiest guy in the world, to have been visited by a demon, and to have fumbled two wishes, and still... I've ended up with a goddess like you.

"This is all my fault, for not being clear, so I'll say it again. You're the perfect girlfriend... at least, for me... and I've fallen in love... and now I want to live happily ever after."

Then he looked around the room, and saw five astonished faces, with eyes wide and mouths hanging open. "What? Didn't I say that right? Oh no, don't tell me I've made things worse!"

Belldandy sniffled, and smiled sweetly. "Oh no, Rick. That was wonderful. You are full of surprises, aren't you?"

She turned to Mara. "It's all up to you now, Mara. You don't have to say it like he did. Just three little words will do it."

Mara gulped. "Uh... er... um..."

She let Rick hold her hands, but she looked around her. She saw everyone watching her, waiting on her, rooting for her. The ones that she had tortured for so long were all around her now, hoping for her happiness.

Mara suddenly went white, and froze, as if she were a deer in the headlights of an oncoming tractor trailer. Then, she pulled away from Rick, spun around, flew up, and dived into the dresser mirror head-first.

Belldandy sighed. "Oh dear. That was wonderful, Rick, but it might have been too much for her. But don't worry. You've done very well. You're both doing the best that you can."

She turned to Urd. "I have to go after her. Can you watch over things here, while I'm gone?"

Urd nodded solemnly, and spoke quietly. "You bet. Better hurry. There isn't much time left."

As Belldandy drifted up, flew to the mirror and disappeared into it, Rick fell back and sat heavily on his bed, and held his face in his hands. "Aw, **man**... and women wonder why men don't like to talk about their feelings..."

Urd grinned. "Aw, buck up, little camper. You've got Team Yggdrasil on your side. We're the best at exactly whatever it is that we're doing here."

Skuld smiled too. "I still don't understand why you want **her**, but we'll get her back for you. **We** sure don't want her back."

And then, Keiichi put a hand on Rick's shoulder. "Don't worry. It's like they said. Belldandy's on the case, and she's never let any of us down."

* * *

><p>Belldandy went through the looking-glass.<p>

She came into a dark empty space. The only source of light was a pane of silver, the shape and size of the dresser mirror, suspended behind her at eye level on a featureless black wall.

She lit on a featureless black floor, and walked a short distance along the wall. Her shadow grew long as she moved away from the silver pane.

She found Mara sitting against the wall, knees drawn up, resting her head on folded arms, and making sad little sniffling noises.

Belldandy kneeled besides Mara, and spoke. "Mara? I know you probably want to be alone, now, but—"

Mara suddenly looked up at her. "Belldandy! Thank God you came! This really sucks! You gotta help me! What'm I gonna do now!"

Belldandy didn't skip a beat. She smiled warmly. "You can do anything you want to do, Mara.

"You don't have to accept the contract. You know that Yggdrasil won't force it on you, if you **truly** don't want it. You know that I've chosen to accept **my** contract, and spend this mortal life with Keiichi, of my own free will.

"You can go back to Yggdrasil, if you want. I can help transfer you to another office, one that has nothing to do with the mortal plane. You wouldn't ever have to see him again. You wouldn't even have to see me, or my sisters, ever again.

"You could defect from Yggdrasil, and return to Nifelheim as a free agent. You'd lose all your powers, and I don't know if Nifelheim would take you back, but you'd be free to try.

"Or you could go anywhere. The number of dimensions is virtually infinite. I could help you find a random dimension, and send you there through a one-way portal, and you'd be free of all of this forever. Even my Father couldn't find you, if we did that.

"You could even stay here. I could seal you here, just like you tried to seal me and my sisters, so many times. You'd never have to see, or hear, or do, or say, or feel, anything, ever again.

"But you don't really want to do any of those things. Do you?

"You could have something special. You said so yourself. Even if you didn't realize it, at first... something made you stay. Something more than just the contract. Remember that, Mara.

"You've come so far. And you're so close. Don't give up now."

"But..." Mara sniffed. "But... I've already... run from him... How can I... go back now?"

"He loves you, Mara," said Belldandy. "Forgiveness is part of love. And you've already done much worse to him than **this**."

Mara half-chuckled, half-sobbed. "I'm beginning to think... this was all set up... from the beginning... You probably... even **let** me... steal that case list..."

"***I*** didn't," Belldandy said. "But... even if that were so... Would it matter? You know Yggdrasil works in mysterious ways. Do you still doubt that Yggdrasil would allow something to be, if it wasn't for the best?"

Mara hung her head again. "I sure as hell can't doubt **you**, Belldandy. Here you are, and after all I've done to you..."

Belldandy stood. "I'm a goddess. It's my job. And now, you're a goddess too. You're my co-worker. And... my friend."

She turned away from Mara, and walked back to the silver pane. "You've got some time to think about it, Mara. But not much. There's only about an hour left. You could just let the clock run out...but I think you owe him an answer, at the very least. Think about it, Mara... but think about him, too."

Mara didn't answer. She was resting her head on her folded arms again. But she wasn't crying any more.

Belldandy gazed into the pane of silver light, and looked through it, into Rick's room. She saw Rick sitting on the bed, with her sisters and Keiichi around him.

She bowed her head, clasped her hands, and silently prayed.

_Please, Mara_, she prayed. _Make the right choice._

* * *

><p>Urd and Skuld looked up at the dresser mirror. Keiichi and Rick looked up after them.<p>

Belldandy came back through the mirror first. She was smiling. And she was holding Mara's hand. Mara came back through, just after her.

Rick stood up, as Mara came to him. The others stood back.

"Um, Rick?" asked Mara, with an un-Mara-like sad, shy little smile. "That stuff that you said before? Do you still mean it? Even after I panicked and ran away from you?"

Rick grinned. "Of course. I'm sorry. That was an awful lot to unload on you, all at once—"

Mara put her arms around him. "I love you too. Now shut up and kiss me, before this nightmare gets even worse."

They kissed. And as they held each other tightly, the emblem on Mara's forehead glowed, and shimmered in place.

Belldandy saw Mara's emblem glow, and clasped her hands happily. "Their contract is accepted. Oh, Keiichi, isn't it wonderful?"

Keiichi smiled and held an arm around her. "It's wrong, in **so** many ways... But, yeah. It's great."

Skuld was holding up her detector again. "Zero bugs manifested. No irregularity in the Ultimate Force. Looks like that worked."

Urd grinned and held up an ornate hourglass. "And we still had twenty minutes to spare. Why, that wasn't close at **all**."

* * *

><p>Skuld sighed, and bowed politely. "I, um, hope you'll be, like, happy, and stuff."<p>

Mara grinned back. "Thanks, kid. I owe you one."

Rick also smiled. "Thanks for your help, Skuld. We wouldn't be together, now, without your help."

Skuld rolled her eyes, put her finger in her mouth, and made a sick choking sound again. Then she stepped up over her thermos and disappeared.

Urd grabbed Mara and gave her a hug that almost cracked her ribs. "You take care, now. And come see us, okay? I've got a few barrels of _sake_ with your name on them."

Then she gave Rick a hug that was only a little less crushing. "You better be good to her, pal. If you think **her** lightning bolts are bad, just wait until you experience **mine**."

Rick gulped. "Yes, ma'am."

Urd winked as she disappeared into Rick's television. "Now, now. You can call me Urd. _Ciao_."

Then Rick shook Keiichi's hand again. "Uh, thanks—"

Keiichi grinned. "No, Rick. Thank **you** for keeping her. Thank you, thank you, **thank** you..."

Mara and Belldandy also embraced. "Any little thing," Belldandy said. "You know our number. Any little thing, anything you want to talk about, be sure and give us a call."

Mara sighed. "You're one in a million, Bell. You know that?"

Belldandy stood back, and smiled at Mara. "So are you, dear."

Rick and Mara watched as Keiichi and Belldandy went back through the dresser mirror.

Rick also sighed. "Nice people, huh."

Mara smiled. "The nicest... Hey, you mind if we call it a day? It's past midnight, and it's been a rough day."

"Sure." Rick turned, and pulled his bed out, and sat on it, as Mara turned off the room lights.

Mara sat on her bed, but then she bit her lip. "Um, Rick?... I don't **believe** this... Would you mind?..."

Rick smiled. "Of course not. It **has** been a rough day."

But then, as Mara came to his side, he gulped. "Uh, Mara?... I know you've slept next to me, just for comfort... But... are you?... are we?... do you want to?..."

Mara raised an eyebrow. But then, she giggled. "Ah. No. Well, you can disregard the rule about your hands... especially after I broke it myself, yesterday.

"But it really has been a rough day. And there's plenty of time to do **that**... if you really do want me to be with you, always.

"I still can't believe you said that, after the way I've treated you, the past four weeks. You really **are** an idiot, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Rick said. "But it's worked for me, this far."


	13. Rick's Worst Nightmares

\Ma"ra\, n. (Norse Myth.) A female demon who torments people in sleep by crouching on their chests or stomachs, or by causing terrifying visions. —Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary

* * *

><p>Mara wriggled in her bed. She had been lying half-asleep for a minute or two, but she was in an uncomfortable position, and she found herself unable to fall asleep again.<p>

_What is with this pillow?_, she thought. _It's as hard as a rock, and as lumpy as gravel. And it's almost as if it's attached to something..._

_Oh_, she suddenly thought. _It's not a pillow. It's Rick's face._

She half-wriggled, half-rolled back, so that Rick could breathe. *_SNORE_*, said Rick.

_I just slept next to __**this**__?_, Mara thought. _His hair is sticking out all over the place, and he needs a shave, and he's drooling. He's actually kinda gruesome, isn't he._

_Oh well_, she thought, _he cleans up pretty good. And I probably don't look that hot, myself, first thing in the morning._

Rick suddenly grimaced, and clenched his teeth. He mumbled something incoherent under his bad morning breath.

Mara raised an eyebrow, and grimaced herself. _The poor guy, she thought. He's having a bad dream again. It seems like he has a lot of bad dreams... even when no one's been lying on his face._

_He worries too much_, Mara thought. _Sometimes I think I make him worry, just by being here. I guess it'd be good if I could help him relax and sleep better._

Then she smiled. _Maybe I __**am**__ a goddess_, she thought, _and maybe it __**is**__ against the rules... but I still have most of my demonic abilities too... and I've never been one to play by the rules..._

_Well, my little friend_, she thought, _let's see exactly what's on your subconscious mind, shall we?_

Mara propped herself up on one elbow, and held her head in one hand. She brought her other hand over Rick's face, and laid it across his closed eyes.

Then she frowned in concentration, and her eyes began to glow.

* * *

><p>Mara had inserted herself into Rick's dreams.<p>

She found herself standing in an impossibly long crowded hallway lined with school lockers on both sides. Students hustled past in both directions, on their way to their next class.

Rick suddenly came up to her, with a look of sheer panic on his face. She grabbed his arm before he passed by, and she pulled him back, and held him by his shoulders.

"Hey! What's wrong?" Mara asked.

Rick didn't seem to recognize her. He was back in high school, before he had met her. "It's the first day of school, and I've lost my class schedule! I don't know where my next class is!"

Mara grinned. "Aw, that's an easy one." She produced a small slip of paper, with a list of courses, and handed it to him.

Rick took the paper, and looked at it. "AAUGH! I can't read this! The words don't make any sense!"

Mara sighed. "Ah. Nightmare-induced dyslexia. Okay..." She pointed along the crowded hallway. "See the second doorway on the left? Go through there, and take the stairs to the second floor. Then, go three doors down, and—"

"AAUGH!" said Rick again. "I won't be able to remember all of that! And I'll never get there in time! It's too far, and the hallway is crowded, and the period bell is about to ring—"

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud!" Mara grabbed Rick by the collar, and pulled him into the middle of the hallway. Then she screamed at the top of her voice. "GET OUTTA THE WAY!"

The students in the hallway parted, like the seas before Moses. Mara flew through the open area, dragging Rick along behind her.

She drug him around the corner, up the stairs, and along a second hallway, to an open classroom door. Then she picked him up, and threw him into the classroom, just as the period bell rang.

She turned away from the classroom door, smiling to herself, and clapping her hands together, as if to clean them. But then, she heard Rick's voice again. "AAUGH! I don't have a textbook, or a notebook, or pens and pencils, or—"

Mara grimaced and slapped a hand to her forehead. "NGH!"

She turned back and walked up to a closed locker next to the open classroom door. She pulled the locker door off its hinges, and threw it aside. Then she grabbed a textbook, an empty notebook, and a few pens and pencils from the locker.

And then, she stepped into the doorway, threw the supplies into the classroom, in Rick's general direction, and slammed the door shut, without bothering to see if Rick had caught the supplies.

Mara stepped back, and breathed out heavily. As she looked up, she read a small sign mounted on the door, roughly at eye level.

_'Japanese'?_, she thought. _I thought Rick told me that he took Spanish in high school. They didn't even offer Japanese at his high school, did they? And he doesn't know a word of Japanese—_

She suddenly sighed, hung her head, and held up one hand. She counted down out loud, and put her fingers down as she counted. "Five. Four. Three. Two. One—"

Rick screamed, from inside the classroom. "AAUGH! When will this nightmare end!"

Mara held her face in her hands. _I wish I knew_, she thought.

* * *

><p>The nightmare hadn't ended... but it had changed.<p>

Mara found herself standing on a sidewalk in a suburban paradise. The street was lined with large new houses and immaculate lawns. A few children played in a yard one or two houses down and across the street. Sprinklers ran in one or two other front lawns.

Then Rick drove up in a typical Midwestern fuel-inefficient SUV. He parked it in a driveway, opened its door, and climbed down. He wore a coat and tie, and he carried a fine leather briefcase. He whistled as he walked to the front door of the closest house.

Mara grinned. _Huh_, she thought. _The last dream was in Rick's past, so this one must be in his future. Well, this isn't so bad, besides being incredibly tedious, dull and boring. Maybe this won't be a nightmare..._

The front door opened, just as Rick came to it. He stood in front of it, perfectly still, for a moment.

Then he spun around, and ran from the front door screaming.

Mara gulped, as Rick ran past her without noticing her. _That wasn't like the last dream_, she thought. _That was a scream of pure terror. And I've got to admit, he really isn't a coward, when it really hits the fan. I wonder what he saw at the door?_

_Well, there's only one way to find out._

Mara frowned in concentration. Her manifestation blurred and changed. After a moment, she had copied Rick's appearance, including the coat and tie that he had worn in this dream.

She gathered up all her courage, and walked to the front door. It slowly swung open, just as she came to it. Mara stood in front of it, perfectly still— frozen in pure terror.

She stared dully at a nightmarish version of herself— a Mara so sick and twisted that it made her blood run cold.

The dream-Mara wore a scarf over her hair, a spotless white apron with little pink hearts around her waist, and heavy oven mittens on her hands. She was holding up a perfectly cooked casserole. She smiled a sickeningly sweet smile, and spoke in a sing-song voice.

"Welcome home, darling. Would you like for me to mix you a drink before dinner?"

Mara spun around, and ran from the front door screaming.

* * *

><p>The dream changed again. Rick was sitting in a college lecture hall, following the lecture closely, and carefully taking notes.<p>

Mara had inserted herself in a chair just behind Rick. She was still trying to calm herself after the horror of Rick's previous nightmare.

_Well_, she thought, _we're back to the present. And I don't care what happens next— it can't __**possibly**__ be more creepy than—_

Rick's pen suddenly stopped writing. He scribbled with it, to try to get it to write again. It still wouldn't write, so he reached down to get another pen from his pants pocket. He felt for his pocket— and suddenly realized that something was horribly wrong.

"Aw, nuts," he said to himself. "I'm not wearing any pants."

Mara sighed. _That's it_, she thought. _You're on your own, pal._

* * *

><p>Rick finally began to wake up. He breathed out heavily, and held a hand to his face, to rub at his eyes. But he found Mara's hand on his forehead. "Eh?"<p>

"You were having bad dreams, weren't you?" Mara asked quietly.

Rick opened his eyes, and turned to Mara with a sheepish smile. "Yeah... I just— AAUGH!"

He had turned to see Mara's eyes still glowing with demonic red light. Mara blinked, and the light faded from her eyes. "Oops. Sorry about that."

Rick sighed. "Oh well. At least you've scared me awake."


	14. Fruit Batskette

Mara came into the room she shared with Rick, after stepping out for a few moments. She softly closed the door and locked it from the inside. Then she flicked the light switch by the door. The sun had just set, and the room went mostly dark.

Rick was sitting on his bed. He was wearing a fuzzy blue bath robe, and smiling a nervous smile. Mara had left the room to allow him to change into the robe.

Mara walked up to their mini-refrigerator and opened it, and pulled out two large oranges. She winked as she closed the refrigerator, and set the oranges on the floor, at their feet. "Just a little snack," she said. "For— after..."

She sighed. "You know, that robe is just going to get in your way, in a few moments. And there's no need for modesty now..."

Rick gulped, and smiled even more nervously. "Yeah, I know—"

Mara put her hands on Rick's shoulders, and looked into his eyes. "We don't have to do this now. I just thought, with your final exams coming up and my managing the video store now, it might be a good way for both of us to relax, and forget about everything else for a little while.

"And I know... this is your first time... but there's nothing to be ashamed of... and if you'd rather wait... that's alright with me, too..."

Rick looked down and breathed out heavily. Then he put his arms around Mara's waist, and looked back up, into her eyes. "No... This is something I've always dreamed about. It's something all humans dream about, I guess. And I'd be a fool to turn you down. Living with a goddess like you, it'd be a waste **not** to do it.

"It's just... I know you're so much more experienced than ***I*** am. And **that's** alright with **me**... But I hope that I'll know what to do... and how to do it..."

Mara smiled sweetly. "Don't worry. And don't **think** so much. Just do what comes naturally. And just remember... We're going to be together for the rest of this mortal life. We can do this as much as we like... and it'll only get better.

"Ready?"

Rick smiled, and nodded.

Mara brought her face closer to Rick's face, and she whispered. "Then get ready for a night of magic."

And then, reality seemed to blur around them both. Rick's senses were overwhelmed with strange new stimuli. It was terrifying and exhilarating, all at the same time.

Suddenly, he and Mara were tangled up in blue, writhing against each other wildly, and shrieking like rabid monkeys fighting over their last banana. After falling back on Rick's bed, they rolled over each other and bounced to the floor.

Mara fought her way back, away from Rick, and out from under the heavy blue covering. She staggered back clumsily, and shook her head, as if to clear it. "Damn it, Rick! I **told** you that robe would get in your way! And you didn't have to pull me down too!"

Rick peeked out from under the heavy blue covers, at Mara, in a rather cute way, and blinked a few times.

Mara sighed. "Well, c'mon, you hideous freak of nature. C'mon out and take a look at yourself."

Rick shrugged off his heavy blue covering, as he realized that it was actually the robe he had been wearing. It seemed much larger and heavier to him, now.

He looked down, and saw fur.

He spread his fingers, and felt wings.

Then he breathed out heavily again. "Whoah. I'm a bat."

Mara grinned at him. "We're both bats. Fruit bats, to be more precise. Family Pteropodidae. Native to the forests of Africa, Europe, Australia, and Asia— but we should be alright here, as long as we don't let ourselves get caught and tagged."

She watched Rick continue to examine himself, with some concern. "Um, Rick? Remember, this is your first transformation. Humans aren't exactly meant to do things like this, so this might be a bit overwhelming—"

Rick laughed with glee. "Oh, this is just so amazingly **kewl**!"

Mara sighed again. "Or, it might **not**."

Rick suddenly swept one wing over his face, crouched down, danced in place, and hummed a familiar TV theme song. "NUH-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH-nuh-nuh-nuh NUH-nuh-nuh-nuh—"

Mara hung her head. "Oh no..."

Rick swept both his wings out, like a hero's cape. "BAT-MAN!"

Mara held a wing over her face and groaned. "Are you done now?"

Rick smiled sheepishly— or, rather, battily. "Uh, yeah. But this **is** a lot of fun. I'd always thought bats were weird and scary, but we're kinda cute, aren't we? And you're especially cute, Mara."

Mara winked again, and struck a pose. "Hey, they don't call us fruit bats 'flying foxes' for nothing, you know."

Then she grimaced, as Rick stared at her, with a distant, yet strangely unsettling, look in his eyes. "Um, Rick? I know I'm standing naked in front of you... but would you mind not staring at me like that? You're kinda creeping me out."

Rick shook his own head to clear it. "Sorry. So, what now?"

"Well," Mara said, "we could sit here on the floor of your room, and have a philosophical debate on the true nature of existence. Or, we could go out flying."

Rick gulped. "Fuh— flying? But— how—"

Mara scowled. "**How**! We're **bats**! Mammals that can fly! That **was** kind of the point of the whole thing! Honestly, if you just wanted to hang around here, I could have turned us into three-toed tree sloths."

Rick blinked. "Tree toad three sloths? I mean, free-throwed—"

Mara sighed yet again. "Do us both a favor, and don't try to say that until you get used to having a fruit bat tongue."

Then she gestured to the open window. "Anyway... it's simple. Two or three flaps to lift off, then a little dive down and through the open window, and up into the friendly skies."

And then, Mara flapped her wings, and smoothly took to the air. She drifted towards the window, folded her wings up enough to fit through it, and half-coasted, half-fell out of the room. Then she spread her wings wide, and rose up and out of view.

An enthralled Rick watched her fly away. Then he spoke out loud to himself. "Well, if that's all there is to it..."

He flapped his wings a few times, and he disentangled himself from his robe. And then, he rose up from the floor.

"Whoops, there's the ceiling— OUCH! Oh no, the room light!" CRASH! tinkle tinkle. "Uh, is that the dresser mirror or the window?— NGH! Must have been the mirror. Aw nuts, too low— OOF! **Man**, that floor is hard. Well, let's try it again... Whoops, too high again—" WHAM!

Rick had flown into the closed part of the window, full on. He hung spread-eagled against the glass for a moment. Then he slid down the pane of glass slowly, with a disturbing squeaky sound.

His sad little bat body fell from the bottom of the closed pane, bounced against the window sill, and gracelessly flopped out the window. His room was on the eighteenth floor, and his wings were catching some air, but he still fell down and away from the hall with sickening speed.

But then, Rick fell onto something surprisingly soft. "OOF!" He rolled off it, righted himself, quickly spread his wings, and somehow brought himself under control.

A small owl, not much larger than Rick, circled back around, and screeched at him. "OI! What're ya DOIN', ya joik! ***I*** had da right-of-way! Where'd ya loin ta fly, inna bahn!"

Rick smiled in apology. "Uh, sorry about that. But thanks for breaking my fall—"

As the owl flew away, it somehow raised one talon, and made an extremely rude gesture with one claw. "Fall on **this**, pal!"

Mara spiraled down, and circled closely around Rick. "Are you alright? What happened?"

Rick was bemused. "I think a bird just gave me the bird."

* * *

><p>Mara and Rick had been flying high above the college campus, in the clear cool night air.<p>

"Ready for a break?" Mara asked, as she began to circle down.

"Yeah," Rick said, as he followed her down. "Say, how about the bell tower on the Sherman Hall roof? It's right below us now."

Mara frowned, as she let Rick pass her. "Mmm... I don't know. A tree might be better."

"Aw, come on," Rick called back. "What better place for us bats than a belfry?"

Mara smiled sheepishly. "I forgot to mention this. Fruit bats can't land very well. A tree would be better to break our fall."

"WHAT!" Rick said, just before he slammed into the bell.

Mara managed to land on the roof just outside the belfry with a minimal amount of fumbling. She walked up to the belfry, and peeked into it. "Yow. You actually rang the bell. Hey, you alright?"

Rick hung spread-eagled against the bell for a moment. Then he slid down the side of the bell slowly, with a disturbing squeaky sound. His sad little bat body fell from the bottom of the bell and gracelessly flopped onto the belfry floor, at Mara's feet.

Mara sighed, fluttered up, caught the bottom of the bell with her feet, and hung upside-down in the belfry. "C'mon. Pull yourself together. Now that we're here, we might as well enjoy the view."

Rick peeled himself up from the belfry floor, and fluttered up, and managed to catch hold of the bell next to Mara.

"Whew," he said. "So... here we are. I never thought I'd find myself hanging upside-down naked on the roof of Sherman Hall."

Mara grinned at him. "And you didn't even have to go drinking at a fraternity party first."

"Mara?" said Rick. "This is seriously weird— but it's been a blast. Thanks."

Mara turned away, to look into the distance. "No problem. It's about time I did something for you, after... everything that you've done for me..."

"I turned **your** world upside-down, too." Rick said. "But... I changed you forever. At least, this change is temporary..."

Then he gulped. "Uh, Mara? This **is** temporary, isn't it?"

Mara reassured Rick with another amused expression. "Oh, don't worry. It'll wear off by tomorrow morning, if I don't cancel it first. I could cancel it now, but I don't think you'd want the fire rescue squad to find you here tomorrow morning, hanging upside-down naked."

Rick agreed. "I'm sure the fire rescue squad wouldn't enjoy that either."

After another minute or two, Mara let go of the bell, twisted around and flew up. "Well, let's head back. I don't know about you, but I've worked up an appetite."

Rick somehow followed her out and up. "Yeah. Say, what are we doing for dinner tonight? It's kinda late."

"Oranges, remember?" Mara said.

"Just one orange?" Rick asked. "They were big oranges, but—"

Mara grinned again. "I thought we'd eat before we transformed back. Believe me, you haven't enjoyed an orange until you've eaten one as a fruit bat."


	15. Let's Fall In Love!

**NOTE:** If you haven't read the OMG! manga— the plum tree spirit guy was in the "Miss Keiichi" TPB.

* * *

><p>Urd lay in her bed, in her room in the temple. She was awake, but she hadn't gotten out of bed yet. She was gazing through an open window in the opposite wall.<p>

_What a beautiful morning_, she thought. _There's a nice breeze, but it's not chilly. And the sunlight, filtered through the leaves of the trees... the fresh air, as sweet as the air after rain falls... It's about as beautiful as a morning could be._

_The only way it could be even more picturesque is if—_

A small colorful songbird lit on Urd's windowsill, and chirped at her. Then a honey bee came into view, lazily buzzing in the air, just outside the window.

Urd grinned, despite herself. _Well, there you go, she thought. The birds and the bees. Even they're enjoying this morning..._

_Birds do it_, she thought, in an oddly detached way. _Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it._

_Let's do it. Let's..._

She shook her head, and grimaced. _If you're not going to sleep in this morning, she thought, you'd better find something to do, instead of lying here and thinking about... things like __**that**__._

* * *

><p>Urd came into the kitchen, and found a breakfast waiting for her, as usual. Skuld sat at the table, just finishing her breakfast.<p>

Belldandy and Keiichi had already eaten. Belldandy was working at the kitchen counter again, and Keiichi kneeled at the doorway leading to the front door, folding a blanket into a shoulder bag.

"'Morning," Urd said. "Whatcha doin', Belldandy?"

"Packing a lunch basket," Belldandy said. "It's such a beautiful morning. Keiichi and I both took the day off. We're going to take a motorcycle ride in the country, and have a picnic lunch by the lake."

Urd sat down at her breakfast. "That sounds like fun," she said. "It **is** a beautiful morning. Let me eat my breakfast, and—"

Belldandy and Keiichi glanced at each other. Belldandy turned back to Urd, and bit her lip. "Um... Urd, dear? We weren't planning to... That is, you usually sleep in later than this, and... Not that you wouldn't be welcome, but..."

Urd giggled, and waved a hand to dispel any concern. "Gotcha. S'alright. You two have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. But do **something**, for once, why don't you..."

Keiichi sighed and shook his head, as he stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder. But Belldandy missed, or ignored, Urd's innuendo. She took up a large picnic basket, and came to Urd's side. "You're sure you don't mind, Urd?"

Urd grinned again. "Nah. G'wan. It's about time I gave you a day to yourselves, huh?"

Belldandy smiled sweetly, and gave Urd a brief sisterly embrace. Then she followed Keiichi out of the kitchen, and out the front door. She called back over her shoulder as she left. "We'll be back later this afternoon."

Urd watched them leave. Then she picked at her breakfast, ate a bite or two, and sighed. And then, she looked up at Skuld, as Skuld stood up from the table.

_Aw, why not_, Urd thought.

"Hey, Skuld?" she asked. "It **is** a beautiful morning. Y'wanna go for a walk, or something? Maybe we could go by the ice cream parlor, or..."

Skuld turned back back to her, and blinked in surprise. "Uh... Gee, Urd... Um, I'd like to, but I'm going on a bike ride with Sentaro this morning, down by the river..."

Urd blinked back. But then, she smiled again. "Oh. 'Kay. Well, you two have fun too."

Skuld grinned back, and ran from the room. "Thanks. See ya!"

"Yeah..." Urd said to herself, as the smile fell from her face. "See ya..."

She heard Skuld slam the front door. And then, she heard Keiichi start up his motorcycle. She sat silently, and listened to it, as it pulled away from the temple, and faded into the distance.

Urd stared blankly at the table, picking at her breakfast again. She heard a faucet drip, once or twice, in the silent temple.

Then she suddenly shuddered, despite herself. The morning air somehow seemed colder, now.

And then, she produced a single mini-Urd.

"Say... Urd?" the mini-Urd asked. "It **is** a beautiful morning. Y'wanna go find a nice quiet bar, and sit in a dark corner, by yourself, and get very very drunk, and feel sorry for yourself?"

Urd re-absorbed the mini-Urd. She talked to herself— again. "Yeah. That sounds good."

* * *

><p>Urd slouched at a table in the corner of a bar. She was drunk, but she wasn't completely bombed yet. She was gazing across the empty tables in the small dark room.<p>

_What a cliche of a bar_, she thought. _The heavy wooden tables, well scrubbed, but still a little sticky... the cheap plastic decorations on the walls... the television mounted in one corner, playing something no one is watching. It's about as cliched as a bar could be._

_The only way it could be even more ridiculous is if—_

A small jukebox near Urd's table came to life. It began playing a song at random. Urd didn't turn to the jukebox, but the words of the song caught her attention. "This ain't no party... It ain't no country club, either..."

Urd grinned, despite herself. _Well, there you go_, she thought. _One of the best songs ever written for a morning in a bar._

Then the first verse started. "All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die..."

Urd dropped her head to the table, whacking her forehead against it hard enough to rattle the small group of bottles on her table. She snorted and giggled to herself, in a muffled way that could have been mistaken for crying.

_You and me both, sister_, Urd thought.

Then she heard a voice. "Well. If **this** isn't about the most pathetic thing I've ever seen."

Urd looked up, a little hazily, and saw a familiar face. "Oh. Hey, Mara," she mumbled.

She sat up, and sat back heavily, as Mara sat beside her. "How did you know I was here?"

"I had a day to myself, so I teleported to Nekomi for a visit," Mara said. "And no one was home. But I saw the note you left, and came back here from there."

Mara looked around her. "So, why did you come all the way from Japan to the States, just to sit in a bar, by yourself, and get drunk, and feel sorry for yourself?"

Urd gestured to the nearly empty room. "Ambiance, m'dear. Atmosphere. You can't find a bar like this in Nekomi."

Mara sighed. "You say that as if it were a **bad** thing."

She looked at the bottles in front of Urd. "It's a little early in the evening for that, isn't it?"

"You're forgetting the time difference," Urd said. "It's still early morning in Nekomi, my time. And it's like the song says: 'I like a good beer buzz, early in the morning.'"

Urd had managed to quote the song lyrics in time with the song on the jukebox. Mara blinked. She shook her head and sighed again. "Alright. What's going on here, Urd?"

Urd giggled drunkenly again. "Listen to **you**. Who are you, and what have you done with Mara?"

Mara scowled. "I thought we were past the jokes about my transformation by now. And if you'd rather be alone, I'll—"

Urd put a hand on Mara's arm. "Aw, don't mind me. I wouldn't mind a little company, as long as you're buying the next round."

Mara sighed yet again, and raised her other arm to the bartender for two more bottles. "So, what are we drinking to?"

Urd also sighed. "Well, Belldandy and Skuld are both out..."

"I **know**," Mara said impatiently. "I stopped by the temple, remember?"

Urd grinned at her. "That's the point, m'dear. Belldandy is out with Keiichi. And Skuld is out with Sentaro."

"Oh," Mara said, although she didn't fully understand the point.

"You haven't met Sentaro, have you?" Urd said. "Nice kid. Skuld could do worse for herself..."

Mara raised an eyebrow. "Is Skuld old enough for..."

"Apparently so," Urd said. "I've gotta admit, though, it irks me a little to see even **her** doing better than me..."

Mara thought about this for a moment— and then, she suddenly understood the point. "**Oh**," she said again.

Urd still grinned, though not as widely as before. "Silly, isn't it? Here I am, the self-proclaimed 'goddess of love'... But now they're all out having fun, and I'm sitting in a Father-forsaken bar, pouring my heart out to **you**."

Mara also smiled. "Well, you could always put in for a shift at the Yggdrasil relief office. Maybe you could get yourself stuck in a girlfriend contract too."

Urd toyed with her bottle, and sighed. "Y'know, it's scary, but I've been seriously considering that lately..."

She turned, and eyed Mara. "And it seems to have worked out for you pretty well. I take it **your** special little friend is busy with something today?"

"Final exams," Mara said. "I thought I might cause less trouble for him if I was on the other side of the planet, visiting you."

Urd shook her head in disbelief. "You mean, I've even fouled up **your** plans? Sometimes I feel as if I was born to be the comedy relief of the universe."

Mara opened her bottle, and raised it in a toast. "Well, here's to us. The goddesses of comedy relief."

The two goddesses drank. They breathed out and sat silently for a moment or two.

"Y'know..." Mara suddenly said, "just because we're all falling for mortals, it doesn't mean you have to. Say, what about that plum tree spirit? He was—"

"A **jerk**, Mara," said a suddenly scowling Urd. "He was a first-class, twenty-four carat, 180-proof jerk."

"Well, yeah," Mara said. "I know he walked away from you, way back when. But maybe he's changed..."

Urd hung her head. "C'mon, Mara. You know people don't change that much. Uh, present company excluded... Did you know that he came by the temple, not too long ago?"

"No, I didn't," Mara said quietly.

"Yup," Urd said. "And it was just like before... or even worse. He used me, Mara. Maybe he did care about me, but he still used me. Then he walked away from me, again. And I didn't like it."

"Sorry," Mara said, quietly again.

Urd slumped forwards further, and rested her head on folded arms on the table. "S'alright. You didn't know."

Mara took another drink. Then she looked at Urd, and grimaced. "Aw, nuts! Urd, are you crying?"

"No..." Urd sniffed. "I mean, yeah..."

"Me and my big mouth," Mara said. "You want to be left alone?"

"Yeah..." Urd sniffed. "I mean, no..."

* * *

><p>Urd lay in her bed, in her room in the temple, and gazed through the open window again. The daylight was just starting to fade.<p>

She held both hands to her face, and rubbed at her eyes, and she sighed deeply. _It was such a beautiful day_, she thought, _and what did you do? You got drunk in some dive on the other side of the planet, and then you had a nice little drunken breakdown, and __**then**__ you went back to bed, and slept through the afternoon._

_Yeesh. You even missed your soap operas._

She stumbled to her feet, and dragged herself to the temple kitchen. _Drink of water_, she thought. _And then, take a bath, and go back to bed __**again**__. And try again tomorrow, I guess._

She came to the kitchen doorway, and found several people at the dining room table. She blinked in surprise. "Mara? Why are you still here?"

Mara rolled her eyes and sighed. "Glad to see you again too."

Belldandy had come to Urd's side. She gave Urd another sisterly embrace. "Oh, Urd. If you were feeling lonely today, why didn't you **say** so?"

Urd frowned at Mara. "Had to tell her, didn't you? Aw, don't worry, Bell. I just got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

She went to the kitchen sink for a drink of water. "Anyway, if you were all waiting on me for dinner, don't bother. I just—"

Mara cut her off. "Actually, we were all waiting on you, to go out for dinner. If you're up for it, now."

Belldandy smiled sweetly. "And then, Mara's treating us all to karaoke."

Urd raised an eyebrow. "You... all?..."

"It's the least I can do," Mara said with a grin. Keiichi and Skuld both smiled too.

Urd slowly smiled back at them. "Well, okay. If you insist."

Belldandy looked into Urd's eyes. "And the next time you feel lonely, tell us, okay?"

"Yeah, alright," Urd said. "But it's hard to feel lonely for very long in **this** house."


	16. Just Like Heaven part 1

Rick was walking back to his residence hall after taking his last final exam of the semester. He held his head high, walking with the relaxed gait of someone with no more exams left to take.

Rick's last exam had been scheduled for early in the morning. He still had the rest of the day, and another two exam-free days, to pack his things and move out of his dorm room, before the campus closed for the summer.

He even had someone to help him pack. Unfortunately, he learned that this was both a good thing and a bad thing, as he returned to his room, and opened his door. "I'm back... Mara? What are you doing?"

Mara stood in the middle of a complete mess, rolling up a poster in both hands. "I'm packing your room for you. How did you get all of this stuff **in** here, in the first place? It'll take at least five or six dimensions to get it all out of here."

Rick grimaced. "Uh, Mara? Please don't touch the black part of that poster."

Mara held up the rolled-up poster, and pointed at it with her free hand, touching the black part of it with her index finger. "You mean, this part?"

Rick winced. "Fingerprints, Mara!"

"Fer cryinﾒ out loud." Mara snapped a rubber band around the rolled-up poster and tossed it aside. "Frame it if you don't want— Wait! Don't sit on your bed!"

CRUNCH! Rick looked under himself, raising one leg slightly, and whimpered. "Aw, **man**... What did I just sit on?"

"Don't ask. But it's my fault for leaving it there, so I'll buy you another one... Oh, you got some mail. It's on your desk."

"This early in the day? That's strange." Rick reached over to his desk, took a blank off-white letter-sized envelope from the desk, and looked at it. "No address? That's really strange."

Rick opened the envelope, unfolded the paper in it, and read the letter. A bemused look came to his face. Mara raised an eyebrow as Rick held the letter out to her, to let her read the message:

"God grants you an interveiw  
>Today at 11:00 a.m., Room 2701"<p>

"He misspelled 'interview,'" Mara noted.

"Yeah. It's a pretty stupid joke, isn't it? Although, no one I know would go to all this trouble, but misspell a word like that. Maybe someone you know?..."

Mara took the letter from Rick, went to the window, and held the paper up to the light. "Nope. This is the real deal, hon. This paper has a seven-dimensional water-mark. You don't want to know the penalty for unauthorized use of official stationary 'From the Desk of God'."

Rick gulped. "'From The Desk of God'! But— He misspelled 'interview'!"

Mara pulled a face. "Yes, I think I already pointed that out."

"And— Room 2701! This hall only has eighteen floors, plus the cafeteria!"

"Oh, don't worry about **that**," Mara said, as she handed the letter back to him. "If you get into the elevator with this letter, and push the 'Up' button, the rest should take care of itself. With ten dimensions in play, you're just lucky it isn't one of the **higher** floors."

"But..." Rick protested. "But... **you're** the Yggdrasil goddess. Why would **He** want to talk to **me**!"

"God only knows," Mara said. "If He wanted to see you at 11:00, you'll find out in about ten minutes. You'd better get going. It wouldn't do to keep the Man Upstairs waiting."

* * *

><p>One of the residence hall elevators opened on the 27th floor— a floor that didn't exist. A very nervous Rick peeked out, then stepped out and looked around him. The elevator closed behind him, to return to a less fictitious floor.<p>

The 27th floor looked just like all of the other floors between the laundry room and the cafeteria. The bank of three elevators opened on a small square area with three closed doors, one on each side wall and one straight ahead.

The "01" room was behind the door to Rick's left. But he opened the center door and peeked behind it, out of curiosity.

After a moment, a white-faced Rick leaned back and closed the center door. _There are things that mere mortals aren't meant to see_, he thought. He went to the left door, hoping that whatever lay behind it wasn't similarly indescribable.

The open room behind the left door was much more familiar to Rick. It was another small lounge area with a long open hallway on the opposite side. As he crossed the lounge area, he noticed that the tables and chairs looked just like the ones in the open lounge on his own floor. The walls, the carpet, even the trash can, were all familiar to him.

But he also noticed that the 27th floor was eerily quiet. There were no games of hallway Frisbee, no loud conversations or phone calls, and no bad 1980s rock albums being played at volumes that would shake apart a steam train. It seemed as if it was scenery on a stage in an empty theater.

Rick stood just outside the door of room 2701 for a long moment, trying to calm himself. He nervously glanced at his watch.

_11:00 sharp_, he thought. _Time to meet my Maker._

He knocked on the door. "It's open," a distant and muffled voice called out.

Rick opened the door, stepped into room 2701, and looked around. He suddenly felt dizzy.

Room 2701 was large enough to hold at least half a dozen more Higgins Halls. Its walls and ceiling were hundreds of meters distant, and they seemed to defy Rick's vision when he tried to look directly at them. The room was well-lit, although Rick couldn't see any lights or windows at all.

The door that Rick had just closed seemed to be set into a small wooden booth, from inside. Rick was otherwise surrounded by... filing cabinets. Thousands upon thousands of old-fashioned wooden drawers were set into the sides of square towers several dozen cabinets wide, rising hundreds of meters above the floor. A latticework of polished wooden stairways and balconies hung against the towers, and connected them with closed suspended walk-ways every fifty meters or so.

"You're right on time. I like that. Close the door."

Rick did as he was told, very quickly. Then he turned back, and walked further into the room.

He came to a long wooden executive desk, set into an open space under one of the filing cabinet balconies. Both ends of the desk were weighed down with stacks of folders and papers taller than Rick, but the center part of the desk was mostly clear. An ornate wooden and upholstered guest's chair sat on Rick's side of the desk. The chair behind the desk was turned away from him.

The voice spoke again. "Sit down. Relax. Don't smoke. I'll be with you shortly."

"'Kay," Rick said, in an unusually high pitched voice. He sat in the guest's chair, and put his letter on the desk.

The chair sank a little, as if something had just appeared in it. Then the chair turned, and Rick saw the face of God. It wasn't what Rick expected— the face didn't seem Yggdrasil-ian at all— and yet, it **was** what Rick expected, all at the same time.

It was the face of an aged film and TV comedian, with narrow but bright eyes behind thick black-rimmed glasses, and neatly parted gray hair that vaguely suggested a toupee. The Man in the chair wore a lightly-wrinkled shirt, old-fashioned suspenders and a narrow tie hanging loosely from an unbuttoned collar, under a dark thread-bare jacket.

The Man Upstairs smiled in a way that instantly put Rick at ease. "Itﾒs good to see you, my boy. I— oh dear."

He saw Rick's letter on his desk. He reached out, took it up and examined it, and frowned. "I misspelled 'interview' again. It's 'I before E', right? English wasn't one of my more elegant languages. But then, that Tower of Babel and Confusion of Tongues affair wreaked havoc with spelling and grammar..."

The Man crumpled up the letter, and tossed it over his shoulder, into a nearby waste can. "Well, no matter. You're a smart kid. You got the message... Not exactly what you expected? I tried to pick a look that you could understand. But I can do any face, any voice. Would you prefer another manifestation?"

"Uh, no, sir, thank you," Rick said. "This is fine."

"Sorry about the mess." The Man gestured to his desk. "I chose this file room because it was the closest to your residence hall. Of course, the **true** manifestation of this file room would be more than your mind could comprehend. Remember when you looked behind the center door by the elevators, just now?"

"Uh, yes, sir?"

"That area hadn't been 'reduced' for your mortal comprehension. And the true manifestation of **this** room is **much** worse than **that** area."

"Yikes," said Rick.

"Quite. Well, first, I just wanted to see how you were doing. How's the contract working out for you?"

"Don't... don't you... **know**?"

"Only the big picture. I don't get into details."

"Oh. Well, it's fine. Er, no, sir, it's wonderful. I'm very happy. But still, I wonder—"

"Why you?" the Man asked. "You were in the right place at the right time. You're better than some, but not as good as others. But you deserve happiness as much as any of my other children."

Then the Man smiled in a conspiratorial way. "Of course, you've done all of us a big favor, with your two wishes. Your Mara almost destroyed the entire Universe, once or twice— before you took her out of commission, so to speak."

"Yes, sir. So I've heard. Uh, thank you."

"Very good. One other thing, then. I wanted to warn you."

"Wuh— warn me? About what?"

"You will face more Tests soon. In fact, your next Tests will come yet today."

Rick frowned. "No, sir. I took my last final exam, just before I came here."

"No, no. 'Tests' with a capital 'T'. Tests of your faith, and your inner strength."

"Oh." Rick blinked. "Uh, can you tell me more? Can you tell me what I should do?"

"It's up to you. You can't look to me to do it for you."

"Oh," Rick said again. "Well, thanks, I think."

"But I have something to give to you. Rather than work through the Yggdrasil bureaucracy, I decided to issue it to you Myself." The Man reached into his jacket, produced a credit-card sized plastic badge, and handed it to Rick. "This will make it easier for you to be there for Mara, when she needs your help again."

Rick looked at the badge. Its front was covered with a script he could not read, and it had a bar code and a magnetic strip set into the back, like his WIU student ID. "What is this, sir?"

"A Visitor's Pass. Mara can show you how and where to use it. Well, that's everything on **my** agenda, and we've got some time to spare. Care to chat?"

"Uh... about what, sir?"

"Anything. Anything at all. You're a smart kid. I know you must have questions for me."

"Oh. Well... Is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe and Everything really 42?"

"Within a statistical margin of error, yes."

* * *

><p>Mara had continued to try to pack Rick's things. Despite this, the mess in Rick's dorm room was even worse when he returned.<p>

"Welcome back," Mara said, with a big fangy grin. "How'd it go? Didja learn anything?"

Rick collapsed on his bed, thankfully without breaking anything, and breathed out heavily. He was still overwhelmed by all that he had seen and heard. "God is very disappointed in avocadoes," he said.

Mara blinked. "He is? Why?"

"He said that He made the pit too big... Oh, you're going to get an Important Phone Call in a minute or two. And He gave me this, and told me to show it to you." Rick held up his badge.

Mara's jaw fell to the floor with a cash register sound effect. "WHA!— Do you KNOW what you've GOT there!"

"I think He said it was a Visitor's Pass—"

"To YGGDRASIL!" Mara yelled. "That will give you access to the most powerful reality-weaving computer in existence! You've got the security clearance of BELLDANDY, with that thing!"

"Oh. Is that good?"

"Is that GOOD! You're granted a PRIVATE 'INTERVEIW' with THE ALMIGHTY HISSELF, and He gives you an ALL-ACCESS VISITOR'S PASS to YGGDRASIL ITSELF, and you ask if that's GOOD!"

"Well, yeah. Is it?"

"I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA!"

Just then, the phone rang.


	17. Just Like Heaven part 2

*_RING_* *_RING_*

"You answer it," Mara hissed. "And tell them I'm not here."

"No, **you** answer it," Rick whispered back. "It's for **you**."

*_RING_* *_RING_*

"One of us has got to answer it."

"Fine, as long as it isn't **me**."

*_RING_* *_RING_*

"This is RIDICULOUS! Wouldja just ANSWER the damn PHONE!"

"There's only one way to settle this—paper rock scissors."

_Poor predictable Mara_, thought Rick. _She always takes "rock."_

_Good ol' "rock,"_ Mara thought. _Nothing beats that!_ "Rock!"

"Paper."

"D'OH!"

Mara floated up from the floor, past the mess that she had made in the middle of the room. She held out one hand, summoned the receiver to her open hand, and held it to her ear. "Hello?" she whimpered, in a most un-Mara-like sad little girl's voice.

But her attitude quickly became more serious. She listened to the caller intently. "Yes... Yes... Yes, that's right... Yes... Understood. Thank you."

Mara carefully hung up the phone, but left her hand to rest on the receiver in its cradle. She ran her other hand through her hair, and held it to her mouth. She hung her head slightly as she rubbed her chin, pondering something of great importance.

"Mara?" asked Rick. "What is it?... Mara?... **Mara**!"

Mara looked up at him. And, so slowly, she began to smile.

She smiled wider and wider, until Rick feared that the top of her head might come off at her jaw. She suddenly took a deep breath, and whooped with sheer delight. "WOO HOO!"

Then Mara flew at Rick, grabbed his face in both hands, pulled his mouth against hers, and planted one on him.

And then, as Rick got his breath back, Mara began to dance to an imaginary conga beat, still floating in mid-air. She also began to sing out loud to herself. "**I'm** out of pro-**ba**-**tion**! **I'm** out of pro-**ba**-**tion**!..."

Rick pulled a face. "It was **good** news, I take it."

Mara suddenly came to her senses. She froze, still in mid-air, and blinked a few times, as she drifted back down to the floor. She tugged at her blouse and cleared her throat. "*_ahem_* Yes. That was the Yggdrasil central office. They've promoted me a little early, and removed the probationary restrictions on my goddess license. I'm almost a full-fledged Yggdrasil goddess, now."

"That's great," Rick said. "Congratulations, Mara. It sounds as if you've earned the trust of Yggdrasil to wield your awesome powers wisely and responsibly..."

Mara wasn't paying attention to him. She giggled to herself, and wrung her hands together, in a deeply disturbing way. "Hee hee! Oh, just wait until Urd gets a load of Goddess First Class Mara! She can kiss her second-class butt good-bye!"

"Hoo boy," Rick said. "Well, anyway, I guess that's the end of that..."

"No, not quite. There's still a couple things to take care of in Yggdrasil. And now we know why the Man Upstairs gave you that Visitor's Pass. Yggdrasil wants me to bring you along."

Rick blinked. "**Me**?"

"Yup. Your powerful, intelligent and inconceivably beautiful girlfriend is going to, as they say, show you Heaven tonight."

* * *

><p>Once again, Mara and Rick stood side by side in front of the dorm room mirror. But they weren't waiting on visitors. And although Mara had traveled through the mirror several times, and although she had pushed Rick through it once or twice, this was the first time that they would travel through it together.<p>

"Ready?" Mara asked.

"No," Rick said.

"Thanks for being honest. But don't be scared, okay? You've got a Visitor's Pass from the Man Upstairs, and youﾒve got me lookinﾒ out for you."

Mara took Rick's hand in hers, and squeezed it. Rick squeezed it back. "Thanks, Mara," he said with an awkward smile.

He tried to release Mara's hand— but he found that he couldn't. He held up his hand, with Mara's hand stuck to it. "Uh, Mara?"

"It's just a little 'hand-in-hand' spell," Mara explained. "I've gotta hang on to you. The ten-dimensional space-time vortex is a big place to lose somebody. That doesn't bother you, does it?"

Rick swung their joined hands around a little. "Nah. Actually, it's kind of fun, to be inseparable like this."

Mara grimaced. "Only you could be so sweet and so creepy, all at the same time. Well, let's get this show on the road."

Rick instinctively closed his eyes. He felt his feet leave the floor, and then he felt a wave of pins and needles slowly pass over his body, as Mara pulled him through the looking glass.

After that, Rick was literally out of his depth. He still kept his eyes shut, and he clenched his teeth, and held his breath. White noise filled his ears.

He felt as if he was being pulled up through the eye of a ten- dimensional funnel cloud, with all of creation swirling around him. He imagined that he was falling up through a long dark tunnel, towards a warm golden light.

Thousands of years passed in a heart-beat.

And then, it was over. "You can open your eyes now," Mara said. "Trust me, you donﾒt want to miss this view."

Rick opened his eyes, and saw that he and Mara were once again standing side by side. They somehow seemed to be standing on a rainbow. It was brighter and clearer than any rainbow on Earth. It seemed to lead somewhere behind them, like a bridge.

Thick soft white clouds drifted all around them. The open sky above them was the deep purple color of an autumn sunset. The sun, the moon and a universe of stars were shining, all at the same time, in a way that made Rick think of a child's painting.

"It's... beautiful, isnﾒt it," Mara said quietly. "I've passed this way before, as a Nifelheim demon, but this is the first time I've been able to stop and just take it all in. To see this now, as a Yggdrasil goddess... It's just..."

Mara had canceled her 'hand-in-hand' spell, but she still held Rick's hand. She squeezed it again. Then she sighed, and turned away, pulling Rick after her. "C'mon, hon. Heaven can't wait."

They walked through the clouds, along the arching rainbow bridge. After a short walk, they came to the end of the rainbow... at the Pearly Gates.

It was all so sharp, so bright, so vivid to Rick's eyes, that it almost seemed like a cartoon. A smooth white wall stretched out to infinity on both sides, and up past the stars to forever. It was featureless and unbroken, except for a pair of tall narrow gates that actually seemed to be made of pearl.

Rick's eyes widened. "Mara? I'm not dead, am I?"

"Nah. We're just taking a shortcut. This aspect of Heaven isn't in the same conceptual space as Yggdrasil, but you can get there from here pretty quick... Hey, there's old Pete."

An aged man with a long gray beard stood at the gates, behind an ageless wooden stand bearing a huge appointment book. He looked up with pleasant surprise, as Mara drug Rick towards the gates.

Mara pulled Rick to a stop, holding up her free hand in greeting. "Hiya, Pete. How's it goin'?"

Saint Peter smiled warmly. "Well, well, if it isn't Mara. I had heard that you were drafted to our side, and I was wondering when you might stop by... Just look at you. You're simply radiant."

Mara smiled back shyly, blushing just a little. "It's sweet of you to say that. I'm sorry I had to drop out of our Thursday night poker game. I've been busy." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder at Rick.

Peter's face fell. "Oh, Mara! I'm so sorry! And he only just wished for you a couple of months ago. How did it happen?"

Mara blinked. "Huh?"

"I wish you two could have had at least a few years together... But you can't fight City Hall. Come along, young man. I'll mark you as 'present', and then Mara can personally take you to your final reward."

As Peter began to page through his appointment book, Rick held up his hand in protest. "Uh, sir? I think you've made a mistake."

"That's what they **all** say, my boy. Why can't I find your name in here? I'm sure a fine young man such as you would be on the admission list..."

Mara giggled. "Show him your Visitor's Pass," she whispered to Rick.

Peter paged through his book for awhile longer, and grumbled to himself, before looking up to see Rick's card. "This job would be so much easier if they would give me a computer terminal— JUMPIN' JEHOSAPHAT ON A POGO STICK!"

* * *

><p>Rick sat in a small reception room, not far behind Heavenﾒs Gate, waiting on Mara as she was examined and briefed in another room. Surprisingly non-annoying light music played in the background, and the fresh smell of impossibly good coffee filled the air.<p>

Rick sighed and tried to concentrate on the magazine he had been reading. He wasn't bored by the magazine. Unlike the magazines in the waiting rooms on Earth, all of the magazines here were current. In fact, some of them hadn't even been published yet.

Unfortunately, another being had just entered the waiting room, and it had taken a chair directly next to Rick. It wore a garish black-and-white striped suit, a five-o'clock shadow, and several species of mold and mildew. It had started a conversation with Rick, in an incredibly annoying used-car-salesman kind of way.

"Name's Beetlejuice," it said. "The Ghost With The Most, dontcha know."

"Hello," Rick said, without turning away from his magazine, as he tried to make it obvious that he would prefer to be left alone.

"Whatcha in for, kid? Don't see many non-dead, this side of the Neitherworld."

Rick sighed again. "I'm waiting for a friend. Uh, I don't mean to be rude, but you're infringing on my personal space—"

"I was wonderin' why you didn't take a number." Beetlejuice held up a ticket bearing a number well into the gazillions. "Y'know, I think I've literally spent Eternity in these waiting rooms."

"Mmm," Rick said, as unsympathetically as possible.

"And you wouldn't believe the case workers they have in these places. Obnoxious, incompetent, and dumb as a can of paint. It's enough to make a fine upstanding citizen like me want to take a sand-worm and stick it up their—"

"BEETLEJUICE!" someone shouted from behind a closed reception window. Beetlejuice stood up, away from Rick. "'Scuse me, kid. I think I hear Nurse Ratched calling."

Mara came out of the back room as Beetlejuice went in. She snapped up one hand, and grabbed him by the neck, scarcely without looking at him. "Visitor's Pass," she said flatly.

"Ack eep," said Beetlejuice, as he gave Rick's card to Mara. After she took it back, she effortlessly lifted him up from the floor, and tossed him through the doorway behind her.

Rick grimaced as Mara returned his card. "I'm sorry about that, Mara. I tried to get away from him, but—"

"Don't worry about it," Mara said. "That creep makes me-before-your-first-wish look like me-after-your-first-wish. A nice guy like you is easy pickin's for a smooth operator like him."

Rick sighed yet again. "Well, anyway. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah." Mara stretched in a distracting way. "But you wouldn't believe the physical examination I've just been through. First, they strip you nekkid, and leave you sitting on the examination table, until you get goose-bumps **all** over..."

Rick gulped. "Is that so? I didn't know that they did medical examinations here—"

Mara rubbed her wrists. "Then they strap you down to the table. 'For your own safety,' they say. Yeah, right. They're just a bunch of perverts— not that there's anything **wrong** with that."

Rick went a little red in the face, and he tugged at his collar. "Well, it's all over now—"

"And **then**," Mara said, "they wheel out this big cart full of... **instruments**. You know, they could warm those things up before they hold them against a girl's bare—"

Rick cut her off. "Mara, please! I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that when we're so close to Heaven. They'll kick me out for having impure thoughts."

Mara smiled slyly. "I doubt that. If a soul could be cast out of the higher planes for impure thoughts, there wouldn't be many souls left up here. Besides, we **do** have a contract, you know. Why, you should have come with me, and enjoyed the show."

Rick held his face in his hands. "Ngh... Yeah, I still don't understand why I was supposed to come along. I mean, I'm glad to be here for you, but you didn't have to drag me all the way up here just for this."

"Well, we're not quite done yet. There's one more thing I need to do, to become a proper Yggdrasil goddess. And you're meant to help me out with it. To be honest, I'd be grateful if you were there... for it..."

Rick frowned. "What is it? It sounds serious."

Mara smiled thinly. "I have to hatch an angel."


	18. Just Like Heaven part 3

**NOTE:** The last scene is a parody of the OMG! movie.

* * *

><p>Mara's office appointment had been in a small room not far behind Heaven's Gate. But Rick and Mara had gone to a place deep within the fair dimension of Yggdrasil, far from both the Pearly Gates and the Yggdrasil central office.<p>

Rick stood at the doorway of what seemed to be a country cottage. He looked out at a gently rolling pasture. A soft spring breeze blew through the leaves of massive ancient trees, filtering the sunlight in a beautiful way.

"Rick? I'm ready."

Mara came to him, from a room within the cottage. She wore a loose white gown that seemed to shimmer in the sunlight. Her hair was loose, and her feet were bare.

Rick smiled. "You look beautiful, Mara. I feel like I'm the best man at a wedding."

"I kinda feel like a bride," Mara admitted. "This is like the ultimate wedding, with no possible annulment. No offense, but this is even more life-changing than the girlfriend contract."

Mara took his arm, and they left the cottage together. They slowly walked through a small green garden, to an open stone shelter at the edge of the pasture.

"What am I supposed to do?" Rick asked.

"There isn't much to it, from what they told me at the office. The angel's egg is an actual egg, not much bigger than a peanut. I kneel, and a trusted family member or friend— that's you— places the egg on my tongue, and I swallow it. It, uh, hatches within me, and my angel manifests itself, and I become a true Yggdrasil goddess, forever and ever."

"What is an angel, exactly?"

"Dunno."

"How does it... 'hatch' within you?"

"Dunno."

"Is it safe, with you being a former Nifelheim demon, and all?"

"Dunno."

Rick pulled a face. "And you're going to swallow this thing, no questions asked?"

Mara sighed. "It's not as if I had a choice. If I want to keep my converted first-class license— and if **you** want to keep **me** as a contracted girlfriend— I gotta get me an angel. Look, for the thousandth time, don't **worry**. I'm pretty tough, you know. I'm sure I can handle it."

Rick sighed too. "Alright. Here we are. Uh, where's the egg?"

As he and Mara climbed up a few stone steps into the open stone shelter, a small being in a tidy deliveryman uniform walked up from the other side. It held out a package and a clipboard. "Please sign for the egg, sir," it said pleasantly.

Mara took the package, and opened it, as Rick signed for it. After the deliveryman left, Rick turned to Mara. "Well, **that** takes some of the pomp and circumstance out of it," he said.

"Here." Mara handed the egg to Rick. "Be careful with that thing. It's worth more than both of us together."

As Mara kneeled in the center of the raised stone floor, Rick studied the egg in his hand. "Looks harmless enough... You know, I should have washed my hands before we did this."

"If you've got cooties, I've got 'em by now too," Mara said. "Can we get this over with? It's chilly in this stone veranda, and this gown isn't very warm. And this stone floor is hard on my knees."

Rick held the egg out towards Mara's face. She opened her mouth, to let him place it on her tongue. Then she swallowed it.

She grinned at Rick. "See? Nothin' to it."

And then, her eyes rolled back, and Mara collapsed to the floor.

* * *

><p>where am I<p>

falling

cold dark nothing falling

disappearing dissolving fading

can't see can't hear can't feel can't move can't scream

help me

please help me I don't want to die not like this please

a hand

his hand

holding me

please hold me up hold on don't let me go

pull me back

please pull me back still fading away oh God please

another hand

both pulling me

pulling me back now

thank you oh God thank you both

coming back to life

* * *

><p>"Ngh," said Mara.<p>

She found herself lying face-down in a wide bed, her face buried in a thick soft pillow. She realized that her back was exposed, as if her white gown had been torn open. A light sheet covered her from the waist down. She shivered lightly.

She also noticed that her arms were stretched out to both sides of her bed. Both of her hands were in someone else's hands.

"Ngh," Mara said again, into her pillow. "Hey, Mr. Bartender?... I ordered a 'Manhattan', not a 'Mickey Finn'..."

She heard a sniffling sound to her left. She turned her head, to see who was holding her left hand. "Oh, hello, Belldandy. Nice to see ya again. I'd ask why you're crying, but I can guess..."

Belldandy rubbed at her eyes with her free hand. "It's so good to see you again too, Mara. We weren't sure that we would."

"We?" Mara turned to her other side, to see who was holding her right hand. "Aw, **man**... Are you crying too?"

Rick was also rubbing at his eyes with his free hand. "Yuh— you scared me, Mara. I thought, when I put that egg in your mouth? I'd really hurt you... or worse..."

Mara turned her face back down into her pillow with a weak groan. "C'mon, you two. I already feel like death on toast. Can't you wait to lay your guilt trips on me until later? And you can let go of my hands, now."

"Um, actually, we can't," Belldandy said. "You must have cast a 'hand-in-hand' spell recently, dear. You've re-cast it, in your delirium. And I didn't want to risk breaking it, since it could have weakened you further."

"Oh. Sorry 'bout that." Mara canceled the spell again, grunting with the effort. "Man, I am wiped **out**. Would it be okay if I just lay here for a few centuries?"

"Yes, Mara, you can rest. You should rest. But there's someone you should meet, first. Please, look in front of you."

"Huh? Oh, for the love of..." Mara grumbled as she got her arms under her, and, with a supreme effort, raised herself up enough to look in front of her.

An ethereal vision of beauty looked back at her with a shy smile.

Mara gasped. "Buh— Blessed Bell?"

"No, dear," said Belldandy. "She does look like Blessed Bell. But she's not my angel. She's yours."

The angel leaned towards Mara, holding out her arms. She held Mara's face in impossibly soft warm hands, and kissed her cheek. And then, she looked deeply into Mara's eyes, with pure love in her own eyes.

Despite her exhaustion, Mara suddenly choked up. "Oh... Well, since everyone **else** around here is crying... I guh— guess I muh— might as well juh— join the club..."

* * *

><p>Mara was sitting up in bed. She and her new angel were studying each other, and cooing in each other's ears, in a way that might have been disturbing if it weren't so sweet. Belldandy and Rick watched with bemused expressions.<p>

"Well, thanks again, Belldandy," said Mara. "If someone had just **told** me something like that could happen, I would have called first. I'm falling deeper in debt to you, every time I see you."

Belldandy smiled a sweet Belldandy smile. "Don't say that, Mara. We're friends, and friends help each other in times of need. By the way, you should thank Rick, too."

"Huh?" Both Mara and her angel looked at Rick.

"He was there for you, when you needed him. His faith, and his inner strength, preserved you until I was summoned to stabilize your symbiosis."

Mara's angel came to Rick's side, and kissed him on the cheek. Rick turned very very red, and stammered. "Yeah— well— I'm just glad that I was of use."

Mara crossed her arms and sighed, but she also smiled. "Looks like the Man Upstairs knew what He was doing when He gave you that Visitor's Pass."

"He always knows," Belldandy agreed. "But, speaking of knowing. I had better get back to Nekomi, and let Urd and the others know that you're alright. Um, Urd said to tell you, the next time she sees you, she and 'World of Elegance' are going to, um, kick your butt for making her worry about you."

Blessed Bell appeared to embrace Mara's angel, and Mara shared a friendly hug with Belldandy at the same time. "Yeah," Mara said, "I guess I'll have to stop by again and let her yell at me."

Belldandy dismissed her angel, then drifted up to a nearby wall mirror, and began to disappear into it. "You're always welcome, Mara. Yes, please come soon, so that my sisters and Keiichi can meet Fr—" Belldandy suddenly slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Who? Oh, my angel— Hey, wait a minute! What was her name, again? I don't even know her name yet!"

Belldandy bit her lip, and spoke again, just as she disappeared. "Um... I'm sorry, but I'd rather not say. You're **really** not going to like it..."

Mara stared after her. Then she turned to Rick. He looked away from Mara, rubbed his neck, and whistled innocently.

"Oh, fer CRYIN' out LOUD!" Mara yelled. "WHAT'S her NAME!"

The angel tapped Mara's shoulder. It whispered into her ear, with a sound like rustling autumn leaves that only Mara could understand.

Mara exploded in disbelief. "MY ANGEL'S NAME IS **FRED**!"

"I, uh, think it's a very nice name," Rick said, not at all convincingly.

"For a CARTOON CHARACTER!" Mara yelled. "How in Nifelheim am I supposed to go up against a 'World Of Elegance' with a 'FRED'!"

Fred dropped her shoulders, hung her head, and made big sad shiny puppy-dog eyes at Mara.

Mara also hung her head, and sighed deeply. Then she looked back up, and grinned at her angel. "I'm sorry. It's been a long day. Let's go home, Fred."

* * *

><p>Mara and Rick re-appeared, again standing side by side.<p>

Rick opened his eyes, and gulped. "Uh, Mara? This doesn't look like the campus... or even Earth..."

Mara looked around her, with both exhaustion and exasperation. "I must have made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Aw **man**, the **last** thing I need right now is to be lost in time and space."

Rick looked out at a desolate red-brown desert landscape. "This could be New Mexico. Maybe we're even inside Area 51."

Mara turned behind her, and yelped. "WHAT the HELL is THAT!" She pointed up at a huge weather-worn stone archway. A heavy flat sheet of stone was suspended within it, hanging above them like the blade of a guillotine.

Rick whistled. "Looks dangerous... Hey, maybe this **is** the campus, and they're finally tearing down that old residence hall."

Someone else spoke. "Oh, you have **got** to be **kidding** me!"

Mara and Rick turned back again, to see a bizarre but beautiful young woman with delicate butterfly-like features. "**You**!..." she said, speaking to Mara. "With... **him**!"

Mara frowned. "What's it to ya, sister? Yeah, I didn't care for the idea, at first, but I'm gettin' used to it. Care to tell us who you are, and where this is, and why I'm not at home and in bed by now?"

The fairy-woman rolled her eyes. "I am Morgan Le Fay. Look, you obviously don't stand a chance, so pardon me for using the short version. You both stand before the Judgment Gate. Lovers from different worlds must pass through this gate, as a test of their love. You pass, you go home together; you fail, you're separated forever. The End."

Mara grinned, and held up Rick's hand, again frozen in her hand. "No problem. A little 'hand-in-hand' and we're good to go."

Morgan smirked. "Not even the Super-Glue Of The Gods could keep you together. Well, go on. This ought to be good for a laugh." She turned away from Mara and Rick, walked a short distance back, and turned back to watch them.

Rick gulped again. "Do you think she's telling the truth, Mara? I don't know about you, but I've had enough tests for one day."

"Aw, c'mon, hon. That fairy must have her ley-lines crossed. And it's not as if it mattered, anyway. After everything we've been through together, there's no doubt in **my** mind that we'll be well and truly stuck with each other for a long, long time."

Rick smiled, and squeezed Mara's hand again. "There's no doubt in my mind, either."

Mara and Rick passed the Judgment Gate, and went home together.

Morgan stared after them, with her jaw hanging open. After some time, she finally hung her head and sighed, and spoke out loud to herself. "Aw, **man**... Theyﾒre letting **everyone** pass through that thing, these days."


	19. Third Wish Fourth Goddess Fifth Wheel 1

**NOTE:** The content rating is rising to a "hard" PG-13 for this story-arc, due to the introduction of le Splendiloquent Peorth and all the Creepy Experimental Fan Service to follow.

* * *

><p>Rick set a large box full of his personal effects in the middle of a small apartment. He had set it there because the walls of the apartment were already lined with many other boxes and bags.<p>

Mara came out of the bathroom, carrying another box. She had just brought it "through" the bathroom mirror. "Here, Rick. This is the last box from your dorm room. Whew."

Rick made his way to her, and he took the last box from her. "Thanks." He turned away from Mara and set the last box on a stack of boxes. It promptly fell to the floor and came open.

Rick sighed. "I don't know if our renting an apartment for the summer was such a good idea..."

"You're not going to start worrying again, are you?" Mara said. "Look, it was **this**, or we try to explain to your parents why I have to live with you, in your parents' house, over the summer. I figured, this would be easier than **that**. Since we're stuck together, the least I can do is try not to be a burden for you."

"Oh, no, Mara. No." Rick turned back to Mara, and held a hand to her cheek. "You could never be a burden."

Mara smiled thinly and blushed. "Aw, **man**... first he worries, and then he gets all mushy on me."

Rick pulled a face. "Yeah, that's my girl."

Mara gestured to the kitchen. "Why don't you order us a pizza for lunch? My treat. We can sort all this out after we eat."

Rick began to stumble over boxes. "Okay. Thanks again, Mara. Is the phone in the kitchen connected?"

"Yeah." Mara floated through the air, to hover over the box that had come open. "And I've already programmed our numbers into the speed-dial. The pizza place should be first."

Rick ducked into the kitchen. As he used the phone, Mara leaned over something that fallen out of the open box. _A Disc camera?_, she thought. _I don't think they even make film for these things anymore..._

Rick leaned back out of the kitchen. "Uh, Mara? You must have programmed these phone numbers out of order. I dialed the first speed-dial number, and—"

Mara snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah, that's right. I put Yggdrasil in first. Sorry 'bout that. Did you just call Yggdrasil by mistake?"

"Yeah," Rick said, "and they put my call through, before I could say anything. I just talked to a nice lady from something called the 'Earth Help Center'."

"The WHAT!" Mara suddenly flew to Rick. "Did she have a French accent!"

"Why, yes, she did," Rick said. "Do you know her?"

"AW, NUTS!" Mara darted around Rick, and then literally flew for the phone in the kitchen. But it was too late.

A wide conical ray of brilliant light suddenly burst up from the Disc camera. It projected a circle on the ceiling. And then, an impossibly beautiful woman emerged from the circle of light. She drifted to the floor, with her arms outstretched.

Rick didn't know her— but he recognized the blue markings on her face. He also couldn't help but notice that the woman seemed to be wearing little more than a skimpy black spandex bikini and a few loose wide belts. "Hoo boy," he said.

As the bright light faded, the uninvited guest looked under her. "Eh?" she said out loud. "A Disc camera? How strange. Do zey still make le film for zees things?"

Mara returned to Rick's side. "This is bad, in **so** many ways," she said sadly, mostly to herself.

"Uh, Mara?" said Rick nervously. "This wasn't my fault, right?"

The woman looked up to Rick, and smiled— a bit too widely for comfort. "Ah ha! Zere you are! Allow me to be introducing myself! I am known, and loved, throughout ze Universe, as le Splendiloquent Peorth! And I heard your heart cry out, and—"

Rick held up a hand to cut her off, and he gestured to Mara with his other hand. "And you've come from the heavens above, or some alternate manifestation thereof, to grant my heart's desire? Uh, actually, I've already been, uh, helped. But thanks very much, anyway."

As Peorth turned to Mara, her jaw fell open with a cash-register sound effect. She staggered back and held her head in her hands. "Oh NO!" she wailed. "Not AGAIN! Eet ees another girlfriend contract! And you are yet another pathetic loo-saire who was unable to get le date in ze calendar factory!"

Rick grimaced. "Y'know, it's still true... but it still hurts when you say it."

But then, Peorth brightened, with an even more disturbing smile. "But zen, I can still help you! If you are anything like ze last case, you are too much ze gentleman to take full advantage of all zat we goddesses can offer..."

Peorth came up to Rick and struck a provocative pose before him. "Surely you cannot refuse your deepest, darkest desires?"

Rick turned several shades of red. But he turned his head away from Peorth. And he reached out, and held Mara's hand. "Uh... not that it's any of your business... but Mara's already taking care of me in that department, too."

Peorth gasped, and held a hand to her mouth. "You— you don't mean!..."

Rick allowed himself a small, but proud, smile. "That's right. I've got a girl who watches the Three Stooges with me."

Peorth raised her other hand and clapped both hands to her mouth. "Oh, mon cherie! Have you no self-respects? Zees ees ze thing zat even ***I*** could not bring myself to do!"

Mara sighed. "What! Actually, I kinda like the one where they're shooting pool, and the eight-ball is booby-trapped."

Peorth held her head in both hands again and whimpered. "Oh, zees ees madness! Madness, I tell you! Eet goes against ze natural laws of Splendiloquent goddesses, and of all femmes!"

"Well, I may be a goddess now, but I'm no Belldandy," Mara said. "And we've got a contract. And for most terrestrial intents and purposes, we're married, so we oughta be legal."

Rick agreed. "As it turns out, Yggdrasil girlfriend contracts are recognized by all fifty states, most insurance providers, and several mainstream religious denominations."

"And **you're** a fine one to talk about madness," said Mara, in a snarky voice. "For example, when you spent an entire millenium playing 'Find The Marble In The Oatmeal'—"

"Yes— well— never mind zat!" Peorth snapped. "All zees does not change ze fact zat your sick twisted boyfriend ees entitled to ze second wish—"

"**Third**," Mara and Rick said, in perfect unison.

This latest shock was almost too much for poor Peorth to take. "TROIS!" she shrieked.

"Third," Mara and Rick said together again.

Peorth squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Mon Dieu! What has happened to ze equitable distribution of resources?... Very well zen, a **third** wish."

With a worried expression, Mara turned to Rick. "Think you could make a 'weesh' real quick, so that she can grant it, and go away? Remember, it has to come from your heart."

Rick smiled, and held an arm around Mara's shoulders. "I know just the thing! And I'll try to get it right, this time."

He turned to Peorth, clearing his throat, and spoke slowly and clearly. "Peorth, I wish to enjoy my last summer break with—"

Peorth's eyes suddenly went all happy and shiny. She clasped her hands under her chin, and shouted with joy. "What a **wonderful** wish! I shall be happy to grant eet personally!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Rick said. "You didn't let me finish!"

But again, it was too late. Peorth had disappeared in another flash of brilliant light, leaving a few rose petals floating in mid-air.

Rick gulped. "Uh, Mara? She knew I meant with **you**, right?"

Mara sighed. "Don't bet the farm on it."

They both heard a loud knock at the apartment door. With a shared look of dread, they both picked their way through the boxes in the room, and went to the door. Mara opened it.

Peorth was standing in the apartment hallway, with a suitcase on the floor beside her and a huge steamer trunk behind her. She wore a gaudy Hawaiian flowered print shirt, shorts, sandals, and fashionable sunglasses. "So which corner of zees tiny apartment ees mine?" she asked.

"Uh, Mara?" said Rick. "This **definitely** wasn't my fault."

Mara scowled. "Well, maybe she's just goofin' with us." Before Rick could stop her, Mara slammed the heavy wooden door shut.

Even though they were both standing indoors, Rick and Mara were both suddenly struck by bolts of heavenly lightning.

"Mara?" said Rick, a bit weakly. "**That** wasn't my fault either too." He promptly fell unconscious to the floor.

"Looks like she's got the Ultimate Force behind her," a slightly charred Mara said to herself. "Oh well. It was worth a shot." And then, Mara passed out and slumped to the floor too.

A moment later, the door slowly swung open by itself with a creaking sound. Peorth still stood just outside the apartment. "Honestly," she huffed. "First, zey slam ze door in my cute little face... and **zen**, zey are leaving moi to carry in ze luggages by myself. Zey are ze very poor hosts, indeed."

* * *

><p>Peorth was floating around the small apartment, poking through Rick's boxes, and generally acting like a kitten that had just been adopted from a shelter. Rick and Mara had both recovered their wits, and they were quietly but urgently whispering with each other.<p>

"We're in big trouble," Mara said. "We've got an overlapping contract situation here. As far as I know, this has happened only once before."

"Can we learn anything from the first time?" Rick asked.

"Not really," Mara said. "When I called Nekomi, all Urd said was, 'good luck— you'll need it.' And then, she fell to the floor laughing, and the line went dead."

Peorth suddenly flew up. "Ooh! Ooh! Are vous talking about moi? I love eet when people talk about me!"

"RRRGH!" said Mara. She reached into another open box, pulled out one of Rick's music CDs, and took it from its case. She held the CD up to Peorth's face. "Look! A bright shiny thing!"

"OOH!" Peorth said again. "PRETTY!"

Mara turned and threw the CD through an open window. "FETCH!"

Peorth jumped through the window after it. Rick and Mara heard Peorth struggle through the thick branches of a tree, down to the ground, and they also overheard some French more commonly used by sailors than young ladies.

Rick sighed with disappointment. "Mara! How **could** you! This is a second-floor apartment!"

Mara rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, Rick. She **is** a Yggdrasil goddess. That couldn't hurt her."

"I know that!" Rick said. "But that was one of my favorite CDs!"

Mara persisted. "Like I was **saying**... We have an overlapping contract situation. It looks like we're gonna be stuck with her for the whole summer. And she's going to be nothing but trouble. I was even 'warned' about her when I was, uh, converted.

"First of all... she's crazy. I mean, I'm not exactly a model of mental stability, myself, and I have more than a few doubts about you. But she's just plain nuts! Loopy! A few rosebuds short of a bouquet!"

"I am **not** crazy!" said a suddenly-returned Peorth.

"YEEEK!" said a startled Mara and Rick.

Peorth carefully returned Rick's CD to its case, and gently put it back in its box. Then she turned back to Mara and Rick, and completed her thought. "If I **was** een-sane, I would appear to you like zees!"

Peorth's loose wide belts suddenly transformed around her. In the blink of an eye, Peorth conjured herself into a heavy canvas straitjacket. She crossed her eyes, let herself drool a little, and made cute little 'duh' noises.

Rick frowned. "Y'know, that caricature would be deeply offensive to a mental health care professional."

Mara held her face in her hands. "See? Case in point."

Rick chuckled. "Aw, that's alright. This **is** a college town. She'll fit right in."

"And," Mara continued, "she's a... well, a nymphomaniac. She makes Urd look like a nun— and I don't mean one of those really creepy nuns with a latex costume and a whip."

Rick glanced at Peorth. She was wriggling in her straitjacket, in a way that was disturbingly enjoyable to watch. He shook his head to clear it. "Uh, yeah. Well, remember that we've **both** agreed to a rule of Look, But Don't Touch.'"

Peorth frowned. "Oh dear. I've forgotten how to reverse zees straitjacket spell. Um, could I trouble one of you?..."

Rick smiled at Mara. "Well, it **really** isn't fair to you, with her staying with us, is it? I know I don't have to tell you, but just give me a dope slap if you catch me staring for too long."

"Mara?" said Peorth, with a bit of concern. "If you help me out of zees thing now, you can wear eet for awhile. I would usually be content to enjoy eet, myself... but zat would be rude of me, when I am your guest, oui?"

Mara was still worried. "She speaks with a French accent. The next thing you know, she'll be prancing around in a French maid costume."

"To be honest," Rick said, "that's actually points against her. We Americans find the French very annoying— almost as annoying as the French find us Americans."

Peorth fell to the floor with a grunt. She kicked off a boot, bent one long leg behind her, and tried to reach the buckles on her back with her toes. "How disappointing," she said out loud to herself. "Here I am, double-jointed through my entire body, and yet... I cannot... quite... reach..."

Mara sighed. "Well... maybe we'll be alright. Maybe **I'm** worrying too much, for a change."

"Is there anything else unusual about her?" Rick asked.

Mara was thoughtful. "Um... well, she really likes manga. Uh, comic books. What a weirdo, huh?... Uh, Rick?"

A distant, yet strangely unsettling, look came to Rick's face. "Whoah," he said. "All that, **and** she likes comic books too? **Whoah**."

Mara sighed again. "Yggdrasil, we have a problem."

She and Rick suddenly heard a horrible snapping sound, and a piercing shriek of pain. They both turned to Peorth— and they both instinctively clutched at each other, in sheer terror.

Peorth's face was covered in oily sweat, and her hair hung over her face in sweat-soaked tangles. A wild look had come to her eyes, and she was drawing short ragged breaths through clenched teeth. She truly looked like a psychotic woman.

Rick had to suppress the urge to run away screaming, and even Mara gulped heavily. "Uh, Peorth?" she asked nervously. "You okay, hon?"

Peorth scowled at them both. Her French accent was conspicuously missing as she answered. "No, I am **not** okay. I am not okay at **all**. In fact, I have just dislocated my own shoulder, in order to escape this straitjacket."

She began to wriggle again. "Now *_ack_*, if you two don't mind *_eep_*, this escape *_arg_* is still quite difficult *_gah_*, and it is unimaginably *_ngh_* painful."


	20. Third Wish Fourth Goddess Fifth Wheel 2

Rick slowly opened his eyes, and looked up from his bed. _Huh, he thought. An unfamiliar ceiling._

He smiled to herself. _Oh yeah_, he thought. _It's summer break, now, and I'm living in an apartment. My first apartment..._

Still half-asleep, he felt a tickle in his ear, as if someone or something was softly breathing into it. He also noticed a soft warm weight on his chest, purring under the bed-sheet.

_Huh_, Rick thought again, as he brought one hand up to brush his ear. _That's strange. Did a cat come in through the window?_

His eyes shot wide open, as he pinched something that was much more human-shaped. He turned his head to the left, and found that he had just grabbed Peorth by her nose. She had pushed her face against the side of his head, to breathe into his ear.

Peorth smiled sweetly. "Nood nornin'," she said, through her pinched nose.

This was far too much information for Rick's brain to process, first thing in the morning. "Guh!... Nuh!... Uh!..." he said.

"Ees zees not le best way to start your day?" Peorth asked.

Rick clenched his teeth, and gasped at Peorth. "NGH! For the SWEET LOVE of ALL that's GOOD and PURE, you GOTTA GET OFF ME!"

Peorth frowned. "Hmm... Zat ees not quite ze reaction I had expected."

"What are you THINKING!" Rick said urgently. "Mara's lying right NEXT to us! GET OFF ME! Get off get off get OFF!"

Peorth smiled in a guilty way. "Alas, I cannot do zees quickly, since I am inside your clothes with you, non?"

Rick froze, and went about as red in the face as he had ever done in his life. "Puh— Puh— Peorth? I really wuh— wish you huh— hadn't duh— done that."

He pushed the bed-sheet aside, and he brought both of his arms around Peorth's waist. He began to fumble with the buttons of his shirt. They were now hidden from him, behind Peorth's back.

"Tell me, Rick," asked Peorth. "Do you usually sleep in your street clothes? Perhaps eet ees because you have not unpacked your pajamas... Why, you should sleep in le nude, as ***I*** do."

"I'm trying not to think about that now, thank you!" Rick said. "Thank God my T-shirt and underwear are between us— fer cryin' out loud, why can't I get this shirt open!"

"Ah," Peorth said. "Zat would be because I took ze liberty of sewing your clothes shut. Eet would have been a shame if I had fallen out of zem before you awoke, oui?"

Rick forgot to keep his voice down. "WHAT! How the heck did you do THAT from INSIDE them!"

Peorth smiled proudly, her face so close to Rick's face that their noses beeped together. "I am le Splendiloquent Peorth! With me, all things are possible!"

Rick resumed his struggling. "In that case, could you work on world peace for awhile? Or a cure for some horrible disease? There's gotta be some cause more worthy than torturing me—"

They both froze, as they heard someone else clear their throat. Slowly, so slowly, they both turned their heads, to look to the other side of the bed.

Mara was lying next to them both, on her side, with her elbow in the bed and her head resting in her hand. She was tapping one finger of her other hand, and making cute yet dangerous little growling noises, as she glared at them both.

"AAUGH!" said Rick. "DontHurtMe ItsNotMyFault DontHurtMe SheDidIt DontHurtMe DontHurtMe DontHurtMe!"

Mara continued to glare at them both for a long, long moment.

She finally yawned, scratched herself, and sighed. "Damn it, Peorth! It's too early in the morning for this crap!"

She sat up, and then floated up, from the bed. "Where the hell are the scissors?"

Rick forgot himself, and tried to sit up too. "They should be somewhere in the— WHOAH!"

He hadn't allowed for Peorth's extra weight, even though she was as slight as a bird. He lost his balance, rolled over the edge of the bed, and fell to the floor— on top of Peorth. "OOF!"

"AAUGH!" Rick said again. "I'm sorry, Peorth! I'm sorry! Are you alright! I'm pretty sure a goddess shouldn't squeak like that!"

Peorth stared blankly at the ceiling. Her eyes had gone all swirly. "Look at ze clouds..." she said faintly. "Ze clouds... zey are so pretty..."

* * *

><p>Rick stumbled into the apartment kitchen, to sit at its table, next to Mara. He gave her a weak embarrassed smile.<p>

They both turned to watch Peorth, who was also in the kitchen. She was hard at work over the kitchen counter, wearing a costume that might have been a frilly French maid outfit— if its skirt wasn't so short, and its neck-line wasn't cut so low.

Peorth came to the table, and set a bottle of fine whiskey and a glass out for Mara. "Madame prefers le liquid breakfast, oui?"

Mara smiled in pleasant surprise. "Yeah! Thanks, hon." She opened the bottle, and poured herself a few fingers.

Then Peorth set a huge covered platter down in front of Rick. "Forgive me, Rick, for I did not know what you like to eat for breakfast. Zerefore I 'ave made a little bit of everything."

She raised the cover, to reveal a picture-perfect breakfast. Rick breathed out heavily. "Gee, thanks, Peorth. But... I'm sorry. I always eat a light breakfast. If I try to eat this, I'll make myself sick."

Peorth smiled sweetly. "Well, zen. What **would** you like?"

"Oh, I don't know," Rick said. "Just a slice of toast with peanut butter and honey? Or a bacon sandwich... On special days, I'll treat myself to a glazed donut..."

"Your first morning with le Splendiloquent Peorth ees a special day, indeed!" Peorth covered the huge dinner tray, and then uncovered it again, with a dramatic flourish. "VOILA!"

A single glazed donut sat in the middle of the huge tray. It was... the Perfect Glazed Donut. It was perfectly formed, and perfectly glazed. It was warm, as if it had just come from the bakery, and Rick could smell its perfect doughy goodness.

Rick imagined that he could hear angels sing, in the background, as he drooled over the wonderful, wonderful donut. But, just as Rick reached out to pick up the wonderful donut, Peorth slammed the cover over the tray again. "AH AH AH!"

Rick jumped in his chair. He held up his hand, and counted his fingers, to make sure he still had all of them.

Peorth explained herself. "I can see zat zees simple breakfast pleases you. Surely, if you are about to partake of ze pastry, you might reward me with a little kiss, first?" She uncovered the donut again— but then, she leaned across the table in a way that gave Rick the full benefit of her low-cut blouse. And then, she brought her face dangerously close, and closed her eyes.

Rick stared dumbly at Peorth's face. And then, he looked down, and he stared at some more of Peorth.

Then he looked down further, at the wonderful, wonderful donut.

And then, he glanced at Mara. She was holding her whiskey glass to her mouth. She raised an eyebrow, and growled at Rick, with the glass still against her mouth.

Rick turned back to the table. With a clearly audible whimper, and with tears of frustration in his eyes, he pushed the donut away. And then, he began to beat his head against the table.

Peorth opened her eyes, and gasped. "Oh! Is zees how you give thanks for your food in zees countries? I am sorry zat I did not know zees! Forgive my lack of manners at ze dinner table."

Peorth began to beat her head against the table, on perfectly timed alternate beats with Rick.

Mara grinned, and poured herself a second helping of breakfast. Well, hey, she thought. Good drink, **and** good entertainment? This could work out, after all.

* * *

><p>Rick and Mara returned to the apartment, early in the evening, after a full day of work and errands.<p>

"We spent more money than you made today," Rick said, as they opened the door. "At this rate, we'll be flat broke by August."

"Aw, we'll make it," Mara said. "You'll start a part-time job soon. And we can always sell Peorth into slavery."

Rick sighed. "You shouldn't joke about that, Mara. If nothing else, it's another mental image of Peorth that I don't need... Say, where is she?"

Mara walked ahead of Rick, and went into the apartment kitchen, as Rick closed and latched the door. And then, Rick heard her surprised shriek.

Rick sighed again. "Ah. Peorth must be in the kitchen."

Mara leaned through the kitchen doorway and beckoned to Rick. "You might as well come look at this. Just remember, Rick— 'Look But Don't Touch'."

Rick walked up to the kitchen doorway— and froze in shock. "Great googly moogly," he said, in reverent awe.

Peorth had jammed an inflatable wading pool into the narrow apartment kitchen. She had dumped several large bottles of cooking oil into it— the empty bottles were sitting in the kitchen sink.

Peorth lay face-down in the pool, wearing nothing but her black bikini and a thick covering of oil. Her oil-drenched hair was plastered against her head and neck. She held her face in her hands, and kicked her bare feet in the air.

"I have been waiting for you!" Peorth said to Rick, in a sing- song teasing voice.

Words failed Rick. But he pointed to himself, in disbelief.

"Oui. I would not do zees for just any old 'client'. But you are ze special case, oui?... So what are you waiting for? Ze oil is so very smooth and warm. And so am I."

Rick gulped. "Uh... besides the blond reason with face tattoos and fangs, standing next to me... Why would someone like **you** want to do something like **that** with someone like **me**?"

Peorth smiled, in a surprisingly warm friendly way. "Why, Rick! You are not ze Sean Connery, but you are not **zat** bad."

"Haven't heard that line for awhile," Mara noted dryly.

"You are much too hard on yourself, mon cherie," said Peorth. "You merely 'ave, 'ow you say, ze 'spare tire'? Why, you are like ze wise little Buddha, happy and content."

Rick pulled a face. "Uh, thanks, I think."

Peorth persisted. "Well, if you would like to get rid of ze spare tire, zen jump een, and I shall wrestle eet off of you. Zees ees wonderful exercise. Consider eet ze self-improvement exercise regimen."

Rick glanced at Mara. She was making cute yet dangerous little growling noises again. "Uh, no, thanks," he said. "It's more like ze 'become-Mara's-lighting-rod' regimen."

"C'mon, Peorth!" said Mara. "Quit peddlin' yer wares 'cause he ain't buyin'!"

Peorth sighed sadly. "Oh, alright. But I am assuring you, you are not knowing what you are misseeEEEEK!"

Peorth had tried to pick herself up. But she had slipped in the oil, and fallen flat on her back. And then, she tried to right herself, and she fell back on her face with a cute little grunt. She laid face-down in the pool as she got her wind back.

Rick was bemused. "I have to admit that this has entertainment value, and on **several** different levels."

Mara held her face in her hands. "NGH! Peorth, why don't you just fly to the shower!"

Peorth rolled her body up to one side, in order to answer Mara. "Alas, I cannot. Ze oil has stolen from me my ability to fly."

Peorth's eyes suddenly went all sad and shiny, and her bottom lip quivered. "I am like le sweet little songbird, lying in a pool of muddy water in le cold rain, her wings too heavy to fly away."

Mara peeked through her fingers. "No, **you** are more like le psychotic nymphomaniac, lying in a pool of cooking oil in our apartment kitchen, being too annoying to go away."

"Uh, Mara?" said Rick. "Per 'Look But Don't Touch', I can't do anything here. But if you'll help her to the bathroom, I'll get her a clean towel and wash-cloth."

"Yeah, that's fair," Mara said. She moved towards Peorth's pool. "C'mon, Peorth. Let's haul your skinny butt to the showers."

Rick turned to leave. Fortunately for his sanity, he didn't see what happened next. It was enough of a test for him to hear it.

Peorth snapped up an oil-covered hand and grabbed Mara's wrist. "If you do not believe zat I cannot fly, zen see for yourself!"

"If you want to keep that hand," Mara snarled, "you'd better let go of meeEEEEK!" SPLASH!

Rick froze in the kitchen doorway, facing out of the kitchen, and scarcely believing his ears.

"First," Peorth said, "we simply **must** tear off zees clothing."

"AAUGH!" said Mara.

Peorth tut-tut'ed. "Ah, too bad. You are wearing le underwear. Well, I suppose I shall let you wear zat much, for now."

"AAUGH!" said Mara.

"And now we must cover you with ze lovely oil. What better way to do zees, zan to demonstrate my patented wrestling— on you?"

"AAUGH!"

"Behold, ze Peorth Pile Driver! I am sorry zat I must do eet, but eet hurts you more zan eet hurts me!"

"AAUGH!"

"And now, ze Peorth Pretzel Twist!... Are you double-jointed too, Mara? At least, I **hope** zat you are. Otherwise, ouch!"

"AAUGH!"

Peorth suddenly dropped her French accent again. "Look, Mara, this won't be very much fun if you don't start fighting back."

"AWRIGHT!" Mara suddenly yelled. "THAT'S IT! NO MORE MISS NICE GODDESS!"

The two goddesses fell silent. But this allowed Rick to better hear the wonderful slippery sounds of their renewed struggle.

Sweet mother of pearl, Rick thought. Is that Mara's soft smooth oil-covered— !— slapping against Peorth's soft smooth oil- covered— !

"Peorth?" said Mara. "Time out, okay? Thanks... Hey, Rick? Now that she's pulled me in, you might as turn around and watch. And the microwave popcorn is in the second cabinet on the left."

Rick turned his head back, so slowly. He glanced back, over his shoulder, for the briefest moment, before snapping his head away again, with a pitiful whimper.

"Uh, Mara? Peorth?... There are things that no mortal man dares look upon, for fear that his mortal brain will break. And two impossibly beautiful Yggdrasil goddesses wrestling in oil would be one of those things.

"So why don't you two just, uh, carry on with what you're doing? And I'll just, uh, go and, uh, lie down for awhile."

Rick dragged himself out of the kitchen doorway, and out of sight of Mara and Peorth, in a rather stiff kind of way.

Mara smiled, and spoke out loud to herself. "He's a really nice guy... or a complete coward. Or both. But it's cute, how he—"

Peorth suddenly shouted. "Ze time-out, eet is over! Beware ze Peorth Power Bomb!"

"AAUGH!" said Mara.


	21. Third Wish Fourth Goddess Fifth Wheel 3

Mara wrapped a towel around herself, and carefully stepped out of the apartment's shower.

Peorth stood in front of the bathroom sink and mirror, brushing her hair. She was wearing her loose wide belts again. "Ah," she said. "You are done at last. I was starting to become worried."

Mara toweled her own hair. "It's not easy to wash off that much oil. I almost slipped and fell in the shower a dozen times."

She stopped, and watched Peorth for a moment. "Oh... You have such beautiful hair, Peorth. It's so long, and so straight..."

Peorth smiled sweetly. "Merci, Mara. So, did you have le fun, zees evening?"

"Well... maybe," Mara said. "A little. But if you ever pull a stunt like that again— I'll strip you naked, paint you purple, and handcuff you to a traffic light."

Peorth perked up. "Ooh! Zat sounds like fun! Are you free to do zat to me tomorrow?"

Mara grimaced. "Oy!... Peorth, were you repeatedly dropped on your head, as a child?"

Peorth put down her hair brush, turned to Mara, and crossed her arms. "What do you mean? I am only le splendiloquent Yggdrasil goddess, doing her job. I was brought into existence to grant le wishes. And I have le open mind, and ze eagerness to please. As long as eet ees all in fun, why should I not do all ze things zat ze nice yet creepy men wish le women could do?"

Mara blinked. "Huh. I guess I never thought of it that way."

"You should." Peorth held a hand to Mara's cheek, much as Rick had done, the day before. "You are le immortal and invulnerable goddess, like moi. And you are almost as beautiful as moi. Ze fangs are a bit odd, but your little friend seems to like zem."

Mara blushed again, and responded much as Rick had done. "Uh, thanks, I think."

"And you had le reputation as le demon for ze cunning plans and ze wacky schemes. I am sure zat you would like to do many of ze bizarre and outrageous things with your little friend. And I do **not** mean watching ze Three Stooges with him...

"For example, have you ever taken le whipped cream, and..."

Mara bit her lip. "Well... actually... no..."

"Have you given him ze plastic cling-wrap and ze duct tape, and told him to..."

"Not... really..." Mara said, slowly and nervously.

"Well, have you not used ze weed-eater, ze live chicken, and ze jar of peach preserves?"

Mara was out of her depth. "I'm afraid that's a new one to me."

Peorth was both surprised and disappointed. "Eh? Why ees zees? Your little friend is not ze immortal, and mortal life ees short. If two clever people like you and him are happy to be together, and if you trust each other... well... why not?"

Mara stammered. "Uh... well... um... It's not that simple..."

"Zees ees not false modesty, ees eet? You were never le modest demon. Your little friend seems quite modest... but he seems to care for you. Ees zees not your job, as le girlfriend, to learn what makes him happy? And, even better, to help **him** learn how to make **you** happy?"

Mara was withering under Peorth's questioning. "C'mon, Peorth! Gimme a break, here! I've only been a Yggdrasil goddess with a contract for a couple of months! I mean, I'm a big girl, and I have lots of, um, experience... but this is different, y'know?"

Peorth smiled slyly. "Oh, ***I*** see. You wish to return to your old life and your old affairs. You do not trust yourself... or he does not trust you. Or perhaps you do not truly love him—"

Mara suddenly slapped Peorth. "How. DARE. You," Mara snarled.

Peorth smirked. "Well, if zees ees true... ze truth hurts, oui?"

Mara glared at Peorth with sheer fury. The former demon's eyes burned with demonic red light. She seemed as if she might try to tear Peorth's still-beating heart from her chest.

But then, Mara shoved past Peorth, to dash out of the bathroom.

Peorth frowned, and raised a hand to her cheek, where Mara had slapped her. She suddenly seemed to regret what she had said. "Whether eet ees ze truth, or not," she softly said to herself, "eet hurts all of us..."

* * *

><p>Peorth sat alone at the apartment kitchen table. She held her chin in one hand, and absent-mindedly stirred a cup of tea with her other hand. She stared through the kitchen window, into the early night sky.<p>

Rick leaned into the kitchen, and he knocked at the side of the doorway. "Peorth? Got a minute?"

Peorth sat up. "Oh! Of course! Can I make for you le cup of tea? And perhaps le slice of pie a la mode? Or le quiche?"

Rick sat down with a smile. "No thanks. But we need to talk."

"Oh." Peorth slumped over her tea. "Of course."

The smile fell from Rick's face. He spoke calmly and quietly, but Peorth could hear an edge of anger in his voice. "Uh... Peorth? Mara's upset. Really upset. Angry and crying. It's none of my business, but..."

"Oui," Peorth said. "I have said ze thoughtless thing. But she would not wish to see me now, and so I shall apologize tomorrow. And I am sorry to have troubled you, as well."

"Oh. Okay." Rick smiled again. "Thanks, Peorth. And there's another thing. Uh, this is just between the two of us, okay?

"I'd really appreciate it if you could, uh, take it easy on me. And on Mara, too. I mean, it's wonderful to get all this, uh, attention from an amazing girl like you, but..."

"But eet ees merely your wish," Peorth said. "You wished to enjoy your last summer break with moi."

Rick shook his head. "No, Peorth. I wished to enjoy it with Mara. You didn't let me finish saying my wish. But you must know what my heart's desire really was, by now.

"But the thing is... I don't think that I can handle this much attention for three months. You've only been here for a day and a half, and I'm exhausted. I just need a little space, okay?

"And much more importantly... you've upset Mara, whether you meant to do it, or not. I'm a guy, and I have enough trouble reading a girl's moods, as it is... I don't know how to..."

Rick's voice rose slightly. It was clear that he was struggling to control himself. "Well, to get to the point, I'm not enjoying this. I'm not enjoying my last summer break with Mara **or** with you. You're not granting my wish, Peorth. No matter which way you interpret it.

"And... I don't care about the wish, or the Ultimate Force, or any of that. If you put us both through another day like this, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Rick breathed out heavily, and slumped back in his chair.

Peorth briefly dropped her French accent again. "I understand. I have always lived my life to its fullest, as if each day was my last. But not everyone wishes to live their life like that. Perhaps an immortal goddess should not live like a mortal man.

"I shall endeavor to, 'ow you say, 'put ze lid on eet?' Yes... Perhaps a more quiet and restful summer break would be good for moi, as well."

Rick was visibly relieved. "That'd be great. I knew I could count on you, Peorth."

Peorth winked. "Why, Rick. You can count on me, write on me, draw on me... anything you like, sport."

"Gah," said Rick.

* * *

><p>Rick returned to the apartment bedroom, after his evening shower, wearing a T-shirt and sweat pants. He closed the door behind him, and came into the room. "Mara?— OOF!"<p>

Mara jumped at him, and she embraced him tightly— a little too tightly. But Rick remained silent for as long as he could.

"Mara?..." he finally said again. "Can't... breathe..."

Mara giggled, and relaxed her super-human grip. "Sorry, hon. But Peorth kinda spooked me. You think you know what you're doing, and then someone like her comes along..."

Rick smiled, but he was careful not to mock her. "Welcome to my life, Mara... Uh, I talked to Peorth, and she said that she was sorry."

Mara stepped away from him, sat on the bed, and slumped over, with her elbows on her knees. "Um, Rick? Do you trust me?"

Rick sat beside her. "Where did that question come from?"

"Something Peorth said. And it spooked me. If I was sure of myself... and of you... then it wouldn't have—"

"Yes," Rick said firmly, to cut her off. "I trust you, Mara.

"I know you used to be a demon. Not a demon as I was brought up to think of them, but still... Well, you must have done some bad things. But that's all in the past, and unless you want to talk about that, it's none of my business.

"You're a goddess, now. You're **my** goddess. Your just being here for me, and putting up with me and all the annoying things about me— that just goes to show that you deserve my trust.

"And you helped me rent this apartment... and I'm living on your salary, at least, for the summer. I don't have much choice but to trust you now."

"I've always wondered..." Mara said. "You seem comfortable with the fact that I'm much more, um, experienced, than you."

Rick laughed nervously. "Aw, you know how I am. You'd have to be a nun to be less experienced than me. And I don't mean, uh, one of those really creepy nuns with a latex costume and a whip."

"But..." Mara said. "Aren't you... curious?..."

"Well, yeah," Rick said slowly. "Of course, I'm curious. But you'll know that. And I know that you know that. So I figure, you'll tell me anything I need to know, when I need to know it.

"I trust you, Mara. And I hope that you trust me too."

Mara leaned against Rick slightly. They remained silent for a minute or two, lost in their thoughts.

But then, Mara giggled to herself, and sat away from Rick. "Um, Rick? It's been a long day... but the evening's still young. Whad'ya say we forget about today, and have some fun?"

Rick gulped. "Uh... 'fun'? As in... **fun** 'fun'?"

"Sure," Mara said. "Why not? Peorth had a point. Since we're here, now, and we're together, and since we trust each other."

"Uh, Mara? What exactly did you, uh, have in mind?"

"Oh, I get to choose first? Thanks!" Mara rolled up her eyes and rubbed her chin. "Well, let's not get **too** creative. I don't want your mortal brain to break. And it **has** been a long day. And besides that, we're all out of cooking oil...

"Hey, how about this? When I became a goddess, they taught me about this thing called the 'Triple Challenge Of The Goddesses'. And— you'll love this part— the first challenge is..." Mara whispered the rest in Rick's ear.

"Oh, you've **gotta** be kidding!" Rick said.

"I kid you not. In fact, Belldandy and Peorth fought that duel, not too long ago, with their angels."

"Peorth and Buh— Belldandy!" Rick stammered. "I mean, Peorth, that makes sense, but— sweet, innocent Belldandy!"

"Yup. And get this— Belldandy and Blessed Bell **won**."

Rick held his face in his hands. "Wow. Just... **wow**."

"So, whad'ya say?" Mara asked again, with a cute smirk. "Think you're up to your 'First Challenge Of The Goddess'?"

Rick grinned. "Seriously? Well, sure. That sounds like fun." He held up his open hands. "Uh... this means that I won't get slapped while I try to find the places where you're ticklish, right?"

"Eh? Oh **no**, my little friend. You let **me** choose first, remember? I mean, if you're still able to move after I get through with you... But this is my choice, and I get to go first!"

Rick's smile vanished. "Wha— what!" he stammered again.

Mara stood up, and at the same time, she silently summoned her new angel. The impossibly beautiful ethereal creature known as Fred appeared next to Mara, slightly larger than life, with a gust of warm swirling air and a few loose feathers.

Fred grabbed two of the large feathers, and handed them to Mara. And then, she grabbed two more feathers for herself, before the loose feathers dissolved into thin air.

Mara held the feathers up like knives, and leaned towards Rick. He instinctively drew back, away from her and Fred. He squirmed to the center of the bed, and held his arms around himself.

"**Now**, then," Mara said, with a demonic fang-y grin. "You just hold still for Mistresses Mara and Fred, like a good little boy, mm-kay? This won't hurt a bit!" Mara's eyes began to glow with terrifying red light again.

Rick glanced at the sweet and gentle Fred. She was slowly but surely leaning towards him too, feathers raised, with a deeply disturbing expression on her own sweet and gentle face.

Rick whimpered. "*_mother_*!"

* * *

><p>Peorth reclined on her back, on the gently sloped roof of the apartment building, with her arms crossed behind her head, and one leg propped up on the other knee. She was tapping her foot to some imagined beat, and gazing up at the starry sky.<p>

She suddenly heard a deeply disturbing sound. It was partly a terrified scream, and partly a hysterical laugh. It was far too high-pitched to be manly, but Peorth still recognized the voice.

Peorth smiled. She raised one hand, and summoned up one perfect rose. She held it up to her nose, and smelled it— even as the tortured screams from below her went on and on.

"Ah," she sighed. "Eet ees ze sounds of ze satisfied 'client'. To ze ears of le Yggdrasil goddesses, eet ees truly le sweetest music."


	22. Peorth's Day Off

Rick sat at a desk behind a counter. A tall shelf full of books stood to his right, and a cabinet of CDs and headphones stood to his left. He was holding his chin in one hand and slowly paging through a "Billboard" magazine.

The desk phone rang. Rick promptly answered it. "University Music Library... Oh, hi, Mara... Okay. That's fine. There's no one else here, besides Peorth. Just give me a minute. Bye."

Rick hung up the phone, stood up from the desk, and opened the cabinet to his left. He grabbed the closest CD, opened it, and set it on the floor just behind the counter.

Mara suddenly appeared above the CD, kneeling behind the counter, out of sight of the library entrance. "All clear," Rick said.

"Thanks, hon." Mara picked up the CD, and closed its case as she stood up. "This lets me check in with you, and it saves me some walking to the video store. So, what's our 'house-pest' up to?"

Rick pointed to the far corner of the room. Peorth sat behind a desk with a record turntable and an amplifier built into it. She was wearing headphones, and she was just pulling a record out of its sleeve.

Mara frowned. "I wonder if Peorth actually knows how to use a record player." She held up her CD. "I'm a CD girl, myself."

Rick was surprised at the thought. "Why wouldn't she know? As a Yggdrasil goddess, watching the Earth from above, she must have seen lots of people using record players."

"Yeah," Mara said, "but goddesses have weird gaps in their practical knowledge. I'm more adept, since I've spent more time on this plane, as a demon, than they have. But you should have seen how na?e and clumsy Belldandy was, when she first—"

Mara was interrupted by the horrible, horrible sound of a needle sliding across an entire vinyl album, and at top volume. SCREEEEEEEETCH! Rick and Mara instinctively clapped their hands over their ears.

"Whoah," said Rick. "If **we** could hear that needle skip, from **here**, through the headphones she's wearing? Peorth must have just microwaved her brain."

Mara craned her neck to look at Peorth again. "Mmm," Mara said. That might explain Peorth's violent spasms, and her babbling in tongues."

* * *

><p>Mara had left the music library, to work a long but quiet summer break afternoon shift at the video store. And Rick had returned to his desk and his magazine.<p>

Peorth had decided that she didn't want to listen to any records, after all. She had returned her headphones to Rick, and left the record on a cart to be re-shelved.

She now leaned against the front desk counter, holding her head in both hands, resting both elbows on the counter, and putting most of her weight on one leg. She stared intently at Rick.

After a few minutes, Rick became nervous. "Uh, Peorth?" he said. "Do you have to stare at me like that?"

"Oui," said Peorth.

Rick sighed. "Surely I'm not that interesting."

Peorth giggled. "We are in le musique libraree, mon cherie. And zere ees no one else een here. Zere ees leettle else een here to compete for my attentions."

"Back on the farm," Rick said, "we had a cat that would walk up to a person, sit down, and stare at him, for hours. It weirded me out. And you remind me of that cat. Would **you** like to be stared at, like that?"

Peorth stood up, and gestured to herself. She wore only a skimpy midriff-baring baby-doll T-shirt, unnecessarily tight shorts, and a college baseball cap, with her long straight hair pulled through it in a single ponytail. "Eef I did not enjoy being le centre of ze attentions, I would wear more concealeeng clothings, oui?"

"Good point," Rick said. "But if you're bored, you don't have to stay in here with me—"

"But I **do**," Peorth said. "I must grant your wish. How could I make your summer enjoyable eef I do not remain with you?"

"You don't have to spend every minute with me," Rick said. "Mara and I spend hours apart at a time, and I still enjoy being with her. And you said that you wanted to have a vacation too. You could take some time off for yourself and still grant my wish."

Peorth's face fell. "Are vous trying to... get rid of... moi?"

Rick grimaced. "Of course not! I didn't mean it like that!

"Uh... think of it **this** way. You're here to make me happy. But it would make me happy if you took some time for yourself, and if you could have some fun on your own, doing whatever you might like to do. Think of it as granting my wish indirectly."

Peorth's face lit up again. "Oh, Rick, how thoughtful! Eef you put eet **zat** way, zen I cannot refuse your kind offer! I shall have fun right now!"

Just then, another college student walked into the library. With a happy squeal, Peorth flew at the student and glomped him. He caught her in his open arms, holding her like a new bride on the threshold.

"Bonjour!" she said to him. "I am le goddess! Would you like to have ze sex with me?"

"Uh, okay," the student said.

"AAUGH!" Rick practically flew up from his desk, himself. He pulled Peorth away from the other student, into his own arms. "You'll have to excuse my, uh, cousin," Rick said. "Her doctor said that she hasn't been getting enough plutonium in her diet."

"Uh, okay," the student said again. Deciding that this might not be a good time to visit the music library, he quickly turned back and left.

Peorth stuck out her bottom lip. "Oh... he was ze hottie."

Rick breathed out in relief. But he suddenly realized that he was holding an armful of scantily-clad goddess. He staggered back to the counter, and carefully set Peorth down on it.

Peorth leaned forwards, hanging her legs against the front of the counter, and resting her elbows on her knees. Rick realized that some distracting bits of her anatomy were now at his eye level. He turned red, and turned away.

"Peorth!" he finally said. "You can't go around telling everyone you're a goddess!"

"Why not?" Peorth asked. "I 'ave never understood ze need for le secrecies. When I claim to be le goddess, ze average person will theenk zat I am crazy. I am not crazy, but I could not care less what ze strangers theenk of me. And being thought of as eensane gives one great latitude in ze activities."

Rick sighed. "Well, you sure as shootin' can't go around asking strangers to have sex with you."

"Why not?" Peorth asked again. "Zees may be unwise for le human femme, but I enjoy unfair advantages. Besides ze immortality and le stunning beauty, I am stronger zan any human. I am immune to all human diseases. And I cannot become pregnant unless I wish eet. Zere is practically no risk to my splendiloquent person."

Rick faltered. "Oh. Well, that may be so, but—"

"And, just as you kindly wish for me to be happy... Eet ees my natural desire to bring le happiness to zees sad little world. Eef I can make ze others happy, and I enjoy doing eet, zen why should I **not** do eet?"

"I hate losing a logical debate to a wacky nymphomaniac," Rick said to himself.

"And I do not understand ze awkwardness zat you North Americans feel on ze subject. Ze human animal has but two universal fears— heights and loud noises. And eet has ze physiological need for air, water, food, sleep— and sex. Or le intimacy, or le love, if you prefer. Eet ees only natural, and healthy, for—"

Rick held up a hand to cut her off. "Okay, okay! I understand! But it's not that simple, Peorth. You could still be... **hurt**. I mean... if you... that is... well..."

Peorth leaned down further, pulled Rick back to her, and looked into his eyes. "Why, Rick! Are you worried for my heart? How very sweet!"

Rick smiled awkwardly. "Well, you're my guest... and a friend, I guess... and—"

But Peorth wasn't finished. "Eet ees pointless, and silly, and steww-pid, for ze mortal to worry so. But eet ees sweet."

Rick hung his head, held his face in his hands and groaned. "Yeah, this is steww-pid— Ngh! STUPID! Who am I to tell you what to do? You just go and do whatever it is that you drop-dead sexy goddesses do..."

He suddenly looked up again. Peorth had summoned up a single long-stemmed rose. "Thank you, Rick," she said quietly, in a natural voice, as she offered the rose to him. "Mara is lucky that you wished for her."

A bemused Rick watched Peorth float down from the counter, and sashay through the entrance of the library. She looked back over her shoulder, and winked at him, before she turned right, to walk down the hallway outside the entrance.

Mere seconds later, Rick heard a long, loud, cartoonish crashing noise that ended with the sound of an empty bucket falling over.

A moment or two after that, a disheveled Peorth leaned back into the library. "Um, Rick? I theenk zat I shall leave by ze **left** exeet. I hope zat you can offer le apologies to ze owners of ze step-ladder, le bucket full of varnish, and ze sousaphones."

Rick hung his head, held his face in his hands and groaned again. "I don't wanna know. I **don't** wanna know. I **do not** want to **know**."

* * *

><p>Peorth strolled along a sidewalk just past the WIU campus. She clasped both hands behind her back, looking around herself with pleasant idle curiosity, and enjoying the warm summer afternoon.<p>

She happened to pass a large house with Greek letters over its door. She smelled food, and heard voices, from its back yard. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she left the sidewalk to walk around the house.

She found several sorority members laying out food, beer, and decorations for a summer party. "Bonjour, and pardonnez moi," Peorth said to the nearest co-ed. "I am having le free time today, and I was wondering..."

"Hi!" the friendly co-ed said. "Would you like to come to our big party, this evening? We'll have plenty of food and beer. The fraternity house is coming— we'll have lots of boys too."

Peorth began to giggle, in a deeply disturbing kind of way.

* * *

><p>Mara had returned to the apartment. Rick was sitting in a chair, reading one of his books. He stood up to greet Mara.<p>

"Have you seen Peorth?" asked Rick. "She hasn't come back yet."

"Nope," Mara said. "She run off on us? We should be so lucky."

"No, no," Rick said. "But she looked like she was bored, and so I told her to take a day off, and—"

"WHAT!" Mara held Rick by his shoulders. "You let Peorth out, unsupervised! Do you REALIZE what you've DONE!"

Rick chuckled. "Aw, c'mon, Mara. What's the worst that could—"

And then, Peorth darted into the apartment, closed the door, and held herself flat against it.

Despite the warm summer evening, Peorth was wearing a fedora, a trench-coat, her usual heavy boots, and a pair of cheap Groucho Marx glasses. She looked from side to side, even after she had closed the door.

"Uh, Peorth?" asked Mara. "What's with the—"

"SSHHH!" Peorth hissed. "I once answered to zat name, but no longer. After what has happened today, eet ees for ze best eef you both claim not to know me."

"Ohhhh-kay," said Mara.

"And whatever you do," Peorth said, "you must say nothing about ze bananas."

Mara and Rick stared at her. Then, they looked at each other.

Rick turned back to Peorth. "Uh... **what** bananas?" he asked.

Peorth smiled from behind her disguise. She reached out and patted Rick's cheek. "Zat ees good! Zat ees very good!"

She began to sneak away. "And now, you must excuse me. After what has happened today, I must forge le passport, and transfer ze funds to le secret Swiss bank accounts."

Mara and Rick continued to stare at Peorth as she sneaked away. They remained silent for a long awkward pause.

And then, Rick gulped. "Dear God, what have I done?... Mara? I'm so sorry. Please hold me. I'm really scared."

Mara embraced him, and pushed her face into his shoulder. "I'm scared too, hon," she whispered. "I'm scared too."


End file.
